A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was with my ex for 4 years(including 2 years LDR). We're in different countries. We planned to meet after he graduated from graduate school and while we're dating, he gave me commitment and talked about getting married. He dumped me 6 months ago, 2 months before we planned to see each other and he still said he loved me and missed me few days before we broke up. I was heartbroken then we went no contact afterwards. He never initiated contact either though I wrote to him a couple of times telling him i hate him. The last time we talked was 3 months ago because I sent him a text and then regret it and wanted him to ignore it. The first thing he said to me was he missed me a lot. I told him it's embarrassing, but I'm not still over him. He told me he's not either. He said he loved me too. As long as there's love, there's hope. After having some little conversation, we never talked again. I sent him a text saying congratulations after he got his degree but he ignored me. I swore that I will never ever shed a tear for him even when he dies. Ive been trying to keep myself busy, but I still think of him some nights and those nights were just unbearable. I'm sure he has a new girlfriend now and I'm still alone. I know it's unhealthy to hate someone, but I think about how nice he was if I forgive him and it's going to make it harder for me to move on isn't it? So what do i do?
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broke up, different countries, heartbroken, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kt1012  +, writes (26 December 2013):
I don't think hating will do you good. You don't need to force yourself to forgive him now, I think forgiveness comes when you truly moved on. But right now, you dont have to hate him It sounds like he just fell out of love with you. I hated my ex when he first broke up with me (more about how he is a coward, originally deciding to just let things fade instead of telling me, which led me on for quite some time and it was unbearable), then one day I realized I cant hate him just because he didnt love me anymore or because of how he feels.Just wish him the best and try to be happy for him. It's not easy. When you get dumped, you will hope that he suffered in his life that he realizes how much he has missed out because of dumping you. I did the same thing at the beginning, and it didnt help me moving on at all when I later found out his life was getting better later on.We will be there one day :)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 December 2013):
 you do not need to hate or forgive... there are other options.
The opposite of love is NOT hate. The opposite of love is INDIFFERENCE... it's NOT caring one way or the other...
that ONLY comes with time... but you have to allow time to do it's work by moving on.
You will only have moved on once you do not care one way or the other about him. This will happen when you forgive YOURSELF for making a choice you thought was best at the time.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 December 2013):
 Merry Christmas Owl!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): If hating him gives you closure and frees you to move on, hate him.
You held on steadfastly through a lot. Now your heart and mind deserve peace and something new to focus on.
You can, and will, love again.
Wasting your energy clinging to him; and pretending to hate, might make sense if you were 16.
You are a well-educated, sophisticated grown woman. You have the benefit of worldly knowledge; and a fair amount of adult experience.
Put as much effort into moving on; as you are clinging to hate and a dead relationship.
You deserve fresh air, you've been held under far too long.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 December 2013):
 IF you should choose to hate him.... THEN you will be allowing him to live, rent-free, in your brain until/unless you decide to give up that arrangement.....
I think that the alternative (forget him) is 'way better.
Good luck......
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 December 2013):
There's no point in hating him. He broke up with you, it happens.
It doesn't sound like he was mean about it either. It could be that you guys not meeting for so long wore on him and he fell out of love. People need intimacy and closeness.
Maybe the reality of the situation came to him: that he had never met you in person and he was making life promises. A successful marriage isn't exactly a sure thing when you've barely had any in person time together. Making the transition from virtual girlfriend to real girlfriend is very difficult unless you can do it slowly. Being from different countries he probably realized that it would be difficult.
Whatever his motivation was, your relationship with him was not ideal and LDR's like yours are hard to make work in reality.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (25 December 2013):
Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 December 2013):
 Forgive him, because having hate in your heart will make YOU a bitter person. It will also hold you back from moving on and finding someone else.
Then CUT all contact, remove everything that pertains to him from your life. Either send it back, sell it, toss it, donate it. Take him of EVERY social website, e-mail - let his go into the spam-folder if you can't block. PURGE yourself of him.
Wish him well, but wish yourself better.
The longer you hang on to the hate the longer it will take you to get over him.
I mean look at how many posts you have made on here about this guy and the break up. ACCEPT the break up. Mourn the relationship that wasn't to be, then MOVE on. Stop moping. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Look forward, enjoy the now - let the past be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): Honestly…why can't you do both?Forgiving him will be more for your benefit than his. It's not healthy to hold onto too much resentment.But it's okay to dislike him.When I broke up with my ex I made a list, "50 things I hated about our relationship." (Which was a really easy list to write haha). I read it every day as a reminder of why I needed to move on and why we shouldn't get back together. Dwelling on his positive attributes will definitely make it harder for you to get over him! And so will talking to him, which is why he has stopped talking to you.I did no contact and haven't talked to him in months. For me, that's better than trying to be friends with an ex, but people have different opinions on that too.I loved my ex a lot, but I guess I learned that love is not enough to make a good relationship. Which didn't make breaking up any less painful, but I guess that's how it goes sometimes.Good luck 3
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