A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am I being too needy? I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable. My boyfriend is a great guy and always makes time for his work, hobbies, friends, parents, siblings and one or twice a week me. However my precence, to him, counts as quality time which is often shared with his family or friends and I don't mind but Ive started to feel emotionally disconnected and confused. He spends a lot of money trying to spoil me but then gives me minimal attention for weeks on end after that. When I get upset about it he says I'm unreasonable, needy and unappreciative of him then spends a lot of money on gifts and dinners then repeats the cycle. I feel lonely in this relationship.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (12 May 2016):
 As mentioned, each man has a different way of dividing his attention to the people in his life and in the way he shows attention to his girlfriend…
He’s giving you gifts and dinners, when perhaps you want more one on one time without his family etc? You still have to appreciate the things a man does do or he’ll start to feel there’s no pleasing you.
Although there’s nothing wrong with asking him for what you need. He may think he’s doing well but in actual fact he’s like buying you toys, gifts to keep you quiet and it’s not keeping you quiet. It’s making you lonely.
The fact that you mentioned; “minimal attention for weeks on end after that” sounds to me, he doesn’t understand the emotional needs of any woman. He perhaps buys gifts to make up for his inadequacy in this area?
I don’t know how long you’ve known each other so there maybe plenty of listening, learning and fine tuning to do if both of you want to connect as a couple. Once or twice a week is a bit thin, but “minimal attention for weeks” is not reasonable. There’s no wonder your feeling confused.
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 I forgot to add: This is the type of thing that tends to break a relationship. You can only survive with such a core difference for a while, and then it wears thin and you end up resenting one another. Being compatible is everything. If you speak different love languages (yes, do read "5 languages of love"), then you will not ever understand one another. It's such a core understanding of love that I've never seen anyone being able to change.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 May 2016):
People have different needs for contact and quality time. Your need is different from his, that's all there is to it, really. He doesn't do this to be mean to you, or because you don't matter to him. But spending time alone with you just isn't as important to him. He can do with meeting you once or twice. You need more, and you need him for yourself too, not just hanging out with other people. That doesn't make you needy in any way. The reason he says such mean things is because he doesn't understand it. He doesn't have this need, so he doesn't understand why you are asking for more.
I can compare this with something most people understand: the need for food. Some people eat twice a day. Some eat four times a day. Some just get hungry more often, and some rarely get hungry, and are fine just eating twice.
Is the one who gets hungry more often NEEDY? No. They are just build in a different way, or are accustomed to eating more frequently. They're not needy, their body needs to eat and they feel hungry. Simple as that. Starving them isn't going to solve anything, that just makes them even more hungry, and grumpy too!
Being needy is like a child that isn't hungry, yet wants to place all the food on his place just for the heck of it, and then cries if he's not allowed to. That's needy. Needy is asking for more than you need. That's something entirely different. But to your boyfriend, who only needs to "eat twice a day", asking for meals four times a day feels like needy. Because if it was him asking for it that often, he would feel like he was just being needy. But for you it is different, you are just asking for what you actually need, not more.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 If you are feeling lonely then this relationship is obviously not working for you. How long have you both been together? It sounds like your boyfriend does care about you, but he doesn't make enough effort to spend quality time with you. If he feels you are being needy then maybe he is not ready to commit to you full time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 May 2016):
 I think you should take a gander at the "5 languages of love" (there is a test you and your BF can take)
http://365tests.com/personality-tests/what-is-your-love-language/
And you might be surprised to find that you BOTH have no clue as to who the other one likes to SHOW love and RECEIVE love.
And if that doesn't spark a good conversation, then maybe YOU need to realize that you are NOT getting your needs met and that MAYBE he isn't for you longterm...
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