A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend lives with me and is recently divorced. He pays out quite a bit so I haven't asked him for money to live there. It's been 3.5 months and he hasn't chipped in for anything. He has no kids with his ex and she works full time and he continues to pay her cell even though it's not part of the settlement. He said it's because it doesn't cost much extra. He also kept her on his dental and health, even though she has a plan but said she can't afford it. They share a dog and he pays for all dog expenses so she won't have to. He then had the nerve to get pissed because she bought a computer after crying poverty and he's paying a couple of her things. I in turn got upset because I feel like I'm helping him out and he turns around and helps her, not me! He doesn't see it. Is it asking too much that he should stop paying her stuff altogether and help me if he lives with me? Keep in mind, what he's paying is not court ordered.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 February 2009):
 What he does with his money is still only his business. If you two were married or had signed a lease or bought a house together or anything along those lines, then you do have some right to access to information about his financial affairs.
I'd let the ex-wife stuff go--if he wants to pay for those things, then let him. It sounds to me like he's carrying a great deal of guilt and is expiating it through cash payments to her.
I would, however, pay very close attention to his actions, and not his words, because you might be the rebound girl, the safe (and cheap) haven until he gets on with his real life.
The issue for you is that your household has expanded and you are the only one paying for everything. Do you own or rent your place? Is his name anywhere on any documents or deeds involving your property? Are you doing all the shopping and cooking? Does he pay for meals out, gas for your car, anything outside the household expenses? I ask because he might be thinking to himself that he isn't adding any burden on you and therefore doesn't need to pay anything.
Sit down with a spreadsheet program or a calculator and a sheet of paper and list all your expenses: rent/mortgage, utilities, food, gasoline, insurance, everything that you spend money on each month. Then do a guesstimate for what he has spent on the two of you since he's moved in. Do the math, what you've spent on those household expenses, and what he's spent on the two of you outside the house. Add them, divide by two and you'll have a ballpark figure.
I think you are entitled to ask him to contribute to running the household, so try to figure out what would be a reasonable share of the rent/food/insurance/utilities. I think you'll probably have to let the last 3.5 months go; if you hadn't reached an agreement on who's paying for what before he moved in, you don't have much leverage on getting him to pay his share.
You could start off the entire conversation that you'll need to have once you understand your financial situation by asking him ("making" him go is such a strong word, but get him there!) to go with you on the big grocery shopping trip. Let him pick out the things he likes to eat, let him see how much a gallon of milk is, what the price of a couple of steaks or a loaf bread runs. Then when it comes time to pay, scramble frantically in your purse and announce that you have forgotten your wallet. Stand back and wait to see what he does. If THIS doesn't get the message across, I don't know what will.
Again, you need to separate what his fair share of the household expenses with YOU is from what he does with the rest of his money. Whatever he spends on the ex is nothing to do with you. That is, until you have a mutually agreed on plan and an understanding of what is going on. He might be looking at living with you as a favor you're doing him until he can afford his own place. After you decide, THEN you have something to say about it.
BTW, keeping her on his medical plan may really come back and bite him later... trust me on this one, he really should end that. But again, it's MYOB until you two have an "understanding".
I hope this helps you get started with a plan for resolving this situation. Remember, you don't have any say on what he spends on the ex. You DO have a say on what he's contributing to YOUR household.
A
female
reader, brownsugar33 +, writes (18 February 2009):
No sweetie you are not asking too much. He should not be paying for her anything especially because they don't have kids. Watch that because if he is paying her money then they may also be having sex. Trust me he isn't paying for nothing.
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A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (18 February 2009):
 Okay, I don't get it... in the US it doesn't work like that, he's living off you and you need to confront him. The other woman is living the life and you are suporting him and her practically by supporting him so he can pay for all her things, when you get divorced you have to face the ups and downs and money is a down here, she has to get that through her head!
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