A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Where do I begin? I know my problem will probably seem childish and maybe even overdone. The logical answer is to simply choose but sometimes it's just not that easy you know? So I've had this friend whom I love, cherish, trust and respect. He's an amazing person. We dated back in high school for a little while but I've always had issues with being too atached and to be completely honest I'm afraid of commitment in a romantic level because nothing's gauranteed you know? So I broke it off with the latest excuse in the book "It's not you, it's me. It's not the right time..." I used that crap on one of my best friends. He didn't say anything and for a while we stopped talking. About a year and a half later I met this guy. I fell so hard for him. We've been together for almost a year and a half now! He's Great! He's been good to me you know? Now my friend and I have been talking a lot more in the last 6 months or so. He's far away and every day I find myself thinking of him more and more. What's going on??? I'm so confused... I love my boyfried so what's the problem? Do you think it's all in my head? I need help... My boyfriend and I are complete opposites of each other and my bestfriend and I share a lot of same interests. He's always been there for me but then again my boyfriend and I have gone through so much since we've been together. Plz... HELP!!!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 March 2009):
 You're doing what's simply called "mental masturbation." Talking to him, even though you love someone else, you're wondering "what if?" What if you didn't have commitment issues, what if you weren't afraid, what if you tried to make it work back then, would your life be different, but experienced with your best friend. You need closure. The way you ended it leaves an open wound, and it needs to heal.
Your excuse is one of the lamest excuses their are. Was it too hard to say, I'm afraid? I'm scared of being hurt? Instead you bounce around the issues and leaving "why" unanswered. I want you to begin treasuring the moment. It may not have lasted forever, but is that reason to deny yourself the experience? I would rather have true love for one day, than to deny myself that day.
Life, I look at in comparison with swimming. If you're too afraid to jump in, you'll never learn how to swim. Even negative relationships where we feel like we're drowning, or treading water, ultimately teach us how to swim. We can agree most people have had at least one bad relationship. Let me ask you this. If you've only had great relationships, would you know how to recognize the signs of one which may not be that great? Each one teaches us what behaviors are okay to be associated with and which ones we need to stay away from.
I really hope you can get over your fear of attachment. If this one doesn't work out, I'm worried you may not jump back in. Think of it this way. If a relationship doesn't work out, you always have good memories and experiences to treasure, which if you didn't take the chance, your memories and experiences will be based on fear.
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