A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing my partner for about two years we currently live together. The other day I answered her mobile and I guy who i never heard of name appeared on the caller ID. The guy never wanted to leave a message but wanted to know who I was, i refused to disclose who I was and he started laughing I ended the call.I later asked my partner who he was and she told me that he an ex from over nine years ago who she bumped into at a funeral last year.Is it acceptable to give your number out to an ex when your in a relationship? If so should you make it clear that your seeing someone from the outset?Should you discuss it with your partner?Do I have right to get upset with her? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): Thank for the advice. I think its only right i tell u the rest. After established that it was an ex I explained that I did not like his behaviour. Her reply was "why are you directing your feelings towards me and not the guy". I explained that she was the one that had given out her telphone number, the guy's rang your mobile phone, I don't have a clue whom i am speaking too and lastly i'm in a realationship with her so if there is an issue I would like to raise I'll discuss it with you first.I asked her to contact the guy and explain that his behaviour was totally unacceptable.The telephone conversation was so lighted hearted, Hi how you doing? I understand you rang and spoke to my other half and you were rude? I did'nt think so okay bye.I am not going to even dress it up I was pissed off I said to her what was that and your actually doubting what I've told you.I rang the guy straight back and said I am her other half and who the ----- are you, I been in relationship with her for a number of years and we live together, you have no right to phone my half's phone asking who I am. I think its best if you don't ring back as there is nothing here for you. Ended the callShe said I was rude and embrassed her and myself. I asked why would you give your number out to an ex after 10 years? Her reply was she was not very nice to him when it ended and she would like to explain to him. He was nice and helped her out at a difficult time in her live? I found out his cousins a mutual friend. She also explained the last time he phoned was whilst she was driving at the beining of the year and she said she would phone him back. Lastly asked does he know your in a relationship still waiting for answer..... The only thing we actually agreeed on was that the guy was rude. I have decided to move out and end the relationship
A
female
reader, candy00s +, writes (31 May 2007):
 Yes you have a right to be upset, especially when he acts like this - he has given you cause to be concerned.
It might just be that they are able to be friends, but i think she should have mentioned this to you sooner then you might not feel so upset by it.
Just talk to her about how you feel, tell her you dont really like the fact that she is friendly with her ex.
You cant tell her what she can and cant do though so be careful what or how you say it to her.
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): it depends how long ago they split and if you know him...i would want to know the person, my boyfriend has an ex who he split up with 10 yrs. ago, and I am friends with her as well. I am also friends with an ex of mine, but we don't talk on the phone, we may email eachother once in a while to see how eachother is doing, and my boyfriend knows this. We also split up 10 yrs. ago. So it all just depends. But definetly if the guy didn't know she was in a relationship, that should be an issue with you. She also should have told you abt. bumping into him. Couples shouldn't keep secrets.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): I agree with a lot of what Stina says. He sounds like trouble, judging by his behavior on the phone. I will say, your gf give her number out to who she pleases but--as far as an ex bf goes, I do think she didn't act respectfully to you and you do deserve an apology from her. Because it was highly inappropriate that she didn't discuss it with you, "beforehand". So you are right..she should have been more forthcoming about this, her actions likely shook up the trust in this relationship. Being friends with ex-lovers can work and some very open-minded 'rare' couples do this with no backlash from their partner. But one has to also be realistic..let's hope that her ex bf isn't mistaking your gf's new friendship with him, for 'sexual desire'. Is he looking to rekindle the romance? Or is he looking for a no strings sexual relationship? Is he just looking for simply a friendship? You have to find these things out.
As I mentioned in a prior posting yesterday, that the majority of heterosexual men do 'think' differently. They do 'sexualize' friendships with females far more often than women will do with them. And some women do not get this. Sheesh! They are naieve, they are in denial. And I am thinking here, that you as a guy, fully comprehend this way of male thinking. Most guys do. Sex is not always the ulterior motive in cross gender friendships but it happens, far too often and it interferes with good relationships between a loving couple. She has to also have respect for your feelings and this relationship, in order for you both to continue building the trust. The best way to help one's partner is to always get them involved with your friendships..making a point, of keeping them informed and having you meet, socialize and spend time with her male friends. (exes and otherwise) I think it's time for you and the gf to have a discussion about this ex bf. Tell her you want to be involved, in her friendships and that in the future, there are to be no more secret surprises. That type of behavior is suspect and immature. Set a boundary and if this is an innocent friendship, she will allow you meet him. When we are in relationships..both partners do all they can to keep the relationship, loving, secure and safe. Tell her that.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (30 May 2007):
 Personally, as someone who always stays close with her ex's, I think it's okay. They reconnected at a funeral, they want to catch up and catch, that sounds okay to me.
I think you need to voice your concern to your girlfriend. I think she can make you feel a little better about this. She can explain their relationship, why she wants to catch up, and she can assure you that it's nothing sketchy. Just two friends catching up.
If you have never had a reason not to trust her, don't let this be one. Perhaps this is just a misunderstanding of what is acceptable in a realtionship and what isn't. Do you not keep in contact with any ex flames?
I think Stina and Jamer70 both gave you great advice. Just throwing a little more into the pile!!
Good luck, sweetness.
xxIndia
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (30 May 2007):
 In my opinion it can be acceptable to give your number to an EX if she has no plans to get back together with him.
Did you ask her if she told him she was already in a relationship, if she didnt its wrong.
Discussing wether your allowed to give your number to an EX is a bit petty as people have EXs who are friends and if you need to discuss who you give your number too each time it can be petty and lead to arguements.
You shouldnt be upset with her, it seems like a arguement that can be blown out of proportion. As long as she never planned to cheat you are fine.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (30 May 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
I think it's acceptable in certain circumstances, but regardless of what happened I don't think that your girlfriend should talk to this guy. Personally, if an ex of mine laughed in my guy's face I would not want to speak to that person. He sounds like an arse.
I think you need to talk to your girlfriend. Did she tell this guy that she was in a relationship with you? How is she going to handle how he reacted to you on the phone? Hopefully she'll tell him that his behavior was unacceptable. I don't really see how he/she can make any excuses for it - it was plain rude. The way I see it, if he introduced himself and was actually civil on the phone then things would be different.
Honestly, there was no reason to demand who you were, though. He is the one who called! If anything he should state who he is, don't you think? Sorry - that's just a pet peeve of mine - people demanding to know who I am when they're the ones who called me in the first place. Maybe you're the same way?
In any case, I think that your girlfriend will understand where you're coming from - just don't make it sound like you're attacking her when you bring it up. Just tell her what happened and let her know that this guy bothers you. And - if you feel this way - let her know it would be different if he was actually nice on the phone. Anonymous, would it be better if this guy apologized? I would talk with your girlfriend about that. It might cause feelings of resentment on his end (who cares?), but it might also make your girlfriend feel awkward. But honestly, you deserve an apology from that guy and if you don't get one then I can see why you'd be upset with your girlfriend still talking with and socializing with this man.
Take care.
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