| A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Sorry for posting this again but I'd hoped to get a better response. I'm struggling to get over this and maybe someone out there can help me out.I need to know if I was wrong here. I went out with a girl for 6 months, during the first 3-4, she'd be sarcastic but in a funny way. I never read too much into it and just laughed it off or gave as good as I got. I always considered it to be banter. The problem is that in the last couple of months, some of the things were a bit too much. For example, one time she said that I was a 'mouse', another time she said that she was looking for an Alpha male and that I'd have to take lessons to become one, she said that I grovelled too, but it was always done at a time when we were joking around or having a banter. I know, perhaps this makes me look weak I guess.One time however I got angry and told her that if she wanted the relationship over then that was fine. She responded by crying and saying "I'd never say anything to hurt someone, I'm not like that". Me like a fool believed that maybe I'd got it wrong. The problem is that I'd always believed that she was a decent girl and would never behave like that. She's a popular girl who's liked by everyone and they all believe that she wouldn't hurt a fly!A couple of things you should also know is that she had zero assertiveness, she was a bit of a coward, well not a bit, a lot! Also, she seems to have issues with anyone thinking badly of her, that used to really play on her mind! Despite all this, she does seem to go for guys who are not nice, players!, not that I am one I might add! but maybe I was a let down? She is also quite naieve in getting drawn to these kind of men cos she's too sensitive to handle them!I'm now wondering if I got it all wrong and in fact she's a closet bitch, just that she hasn't got the assertiveness to show that side to the world! Also, was I wrong to be confused by all this?The thing that really did my head in is that everytime I confronted her over anything, she'd try to lie her way out of it.Well, 4 weeks have passed since I broke up with this girl and I'm finding it difficult to move on. The reason is that I keep running things through my head in an attempt to make sense of it all.In some ways, I wish I knew the cold hard truth. I wonder if she was taking the p!ss out of me to make me react and put her in her place, perhaps she was wanting me to defend myself. Or maybe she wanted me to finish with her? (Perhaps a girls opinion on this might help?)Also, she once said that she was scared that I was an argumentative person, or an angry person. I did get angry, but not often enough! but because she provoked it. I mean, calling someone a mouse and saying that someone grovels is not going to bring out the best in a man is it!! Why say those things if she didn't like me getting upset? Was I supposed to laugh it off or walk or what?!!
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broke up, move on, player Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it's been a few months now & I was pretty much over this. Until of course I see her out last Sunday! It kind of brought it all back.
I said a few things I shouldn't. I told her she looked gorgeous but a little plastic!
Later on I asked her for a word & proceeded to ask her why she'd said those shitty things & asked if she knew how much they hurt me?
She just looked me in the eyes & didn't say a word! I think she was pissed to be honest, but I just thought I'd give her something to think about. Maybe it might have pulled a guilt string. Although this is unlikely because she's probably already rationalised it in her head as being my fault because in her eyes I wasn't enough of a man!
Anyway, I guess that was the last step to my getting over it. I wish in a way though that she had given me an honest answer, cos I'd have felt that was the end. Instead, she left me guessing, she always did do that! So, I'll have to assume that it was the worst & then I can put it behind me.
I tell you one thing, no one will ever speak to me the way she did. I think the only reason I did put up with it is cos I felt so insecure. She set out to make me feel that way though! If I feel someone is trying to make me insecure then they'll get the boot!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, you guys talk a lot of sense. Just had/have a lot of self doubt going on in my head at the moment. I'm getting through it, but I have bad days. I'm sure I'll look back in a few months time & realise the truth.
Wish I could just kicking myself for being a fool in not believing that she could be so shit! & wish I'd reacted to some of that nasty stuff she said.
I mean, everyone loves her, how could she be so horrible? Lol.
I've been out with a passive agressive & feel like my head has gone though a mincer, lol.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (1 June 2007):
 Hey there,
You said "Here is a question for you women out there..." but I think you meant to write "Here is a question for you assh*les out there..." Because that's the kind of person who really plays mind games like this. Like Eyes said, be glad you're not with this person anymore and leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 June 2007):
 Some people are just into playing games. Some people just like to piss people off. Some people are just immature and never do grow up. She sounds like all of the above. Like I said before you should be glad to be rid of her.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (1 June 2007):
 Hi,
I think she sounds like she is so used to dealing with men that are hard work, she is using the sarcasm as a defence method. This is wrong of course, but you can kind of understand she must feel pretty low about herself, and thats why she acted this way to you.
You sound kind and level headed, maybe she just wasn't used to that, and was kind of pushing you to act the same as all the other's. To prove her point.
If she has had all these men treat her badly, who can blame her for being on the defence.
I think it's a shame that if she has all these other good quility's, that you couldnt give it more time to see if she changed.
I dont mean that you should let her treat you like a doormat, but possibly walked away when those situations arose.
I always call my boyfriend mouse, because he reminds me of one. He can be moody and exagerates stories all the time. But on the plus side, he is the kindest, sweetest man, and he will do anythging to help people.
So you cant have it all, somtimes you have to over look the bad stuff, to get to the real person. And that takes time.
XX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is a question for you women out there, do you always try to undermine your boyfriend at some stage in the relationship so as to get him to fight back? To prove he is a real man? Is this some sort of test that I failed?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe probably wasn't too happy about herself & felt the need to bring you down.
I think that this sentence probably sums her up, it's just at the time I couldn't believe that she would be like that. Maybe it would be easier for me to feel sorry for her because it's obvious she has issues. Perhaps the fact that her father had nothing to do with her as a child has caused problems.
Funny thing is, I remember from the start, she said that she looks at other men & talks to other men but it doesn't mean anything. I think she craves male attention, she was always looking or flirting to the point where it made me feel inadequate. She was always going on about this man & that man on tv, she seemed to me to be man mad! It was obvious when she fancied someone too, she'd be all submissive & grovelly!
I guess you people must be thinking, what was I doing?!! Sometimes when you like someone you make excuses for their bad behaviour.
The problem for me was that I thought she was a genuine nice girl. Everyone thought the world of her & she'd do anything for anyone. This was probably because she wanted people to like her! It's becoming more and more apparent that she is living a lie & probably most or none of her friends are even aware of how selfish she really is!
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A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (31 May 2007):
Some women are just downright strange. They believe men should be more assertive to the point of abuse.
Don't feel bad or even confused over this. Just be glad you aren't the kind of man that she wanted you to be, because that way lies darkness and rage... and you don't sound like that kind of guy.
Get on with your life, and try to find a woman who wants you for who you are. There are women out there who want a good man. Keep on looking and don't settle for less.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): You seem like a genuine, decent, loving sort of guy. There are women out there who would love to hook up with a man like you. All I can say is your girl has probably been through a lot of emotional abuse and that is why she behaves the way she does. You on the other hand are a warm, caring, considerate guy and to her that is alien. You have to find someone who is on the same wavelength and path as you. Only then will you find true love and happiness.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (30 May 2007):
Hey Anonymous,
I have to agree with the others - be glad you're rid of her. She knew that what she was saying was having an affect on the way you viewed yourself, but she kept "joking." That's not the sign of someone who takes you or the relationship seriously. The whole time you two have been together, it sounds like she's been hacking away at your self esteem and has had you second guessing yourself. That is not a healthy relationship.
So I really don't think it matters what she wanted you to do - whether it be laugh or leave - I think that you made the best decision for yourself. I would have done the same thing.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 May 2007):
Good Lord, aren't you guys just a tad too old to be playing these kind of games? By the sounds of things I think you are lucky to be rid of her. Give yourself some more time, you'll be able to move on. And quit letting the "mouse" and "grovel" crap run through your head, it's slowing you down. Good luck Buddy, you'll be just fine.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (30 May 2007):
 It sounds like she was just using you to boost her ego! If she hasn't gone out of her way to contact you or save the relationship, forget about her!!
DV1
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): she's a weak person. you have to decide wether you can deal with her stuff or not. If not then you might want to just try to get over her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): In my personal opinion you were better off waking away from this relationship. She sounds as though she did not hold alot of respect for you which is something i believe is neccessary in a healthy relationship.
I am a very sarcastic person and love to joke with friends and loved ones in my sarcastic manner, but after reading some of her comments they sound more insensetive and directed at you, only in a manner that wouldnt seem 'bitchy'.
Ultimately you seem like a very genuine caring person, and think you have done the best thing for yourself, you should find someone who is not going to try and change you.
Best wishes x
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