A
female
age
41-50,
*eckerson
writes:I met up with a guy after contacting him via an 'Adult' dating website, whilst I wasn't looking for a relationship from this website (I'm on traditional dating site, looking for the LTR) this one was just about the sex.During our swapping of e-mails, we had shared with each other that whilst essentially it wasn't what either of us were looking for, we were not adverse to the idea of something developing, if it just so happened to and I guess at the time we were not necessarily to thinking about with each other as we had not yet met and , again, we were planning to met only for 'fun'! I'm 35 yrs old and he is 34. I've been single for just over a year but I do still live with my ex! (financially necessary and convenient) my 'date' was aware of this early on. He split from a long term girlfriend in Feb '10 and confided to me that he was quite jaded at the idea of love at the moment and thinking about it now he did also say, that he is not the sort to tell someone (a GF) 'I love you' everyday as he feels it becomes meaningless, just a word but likes it to be acknowledged that he loves and cares for that person by his actions and not his words.Anyway, we have been seeing each other since June' 10, we meet up 2 or 3 times a week, always at his (He lives alone) and I have found that I actually really like this guy and to a large degree because of they way that he treats me, he is very different from previous 'bed buddies' where i would hook up with them once a month or so, with no contact in between meetings and usually as a result of a late night call, we always would have a nice time for the evening but there was no romance, it was always clearly just mutual physical release.Now this one is very different! He treats me like an absolute queen, he cooks me dinner almost every time (even a 3 course from scratch), makes me breakfast, makes me lunch for work, gets things in that he has remembered me saying I like, compliments me often, never lets me lift a finger, is always touching me and plays with my hair, set up a picnic blanket on a beach one evening complete with a fire, toasting marshmallows, music he had downloaded by an artist I had said I liked, we looked for shooting stars and he pointed out satellites moving through space, he's bought me flowers and we have booked a long weekend away to Amsterdam at the end of August!!!!He texts or calls me (usually text) nearly everyday, usually without having heard from me, he is good company and conversationalist, listens and seems genuinely interested in what I have to say and I guess in my life to some degree, he has sent me a message early morning once saying he wishes he was snuggling with me and that it was hard to think about anything else, he suggested a day out at a place of interest he knew I would enjoy, (We didn't go though, had a very late night an got up too late to go !!) but no matter, sounds almost too good to be true doesn't he? Now here's the catch....When we were discussing the decision to go to Amsterdam, (he hinted at A'dam several times before I decided to bite the bullet and say 'Do you want to go') he said to me, that he would love to go to Amsterdam with me but he didn't want me to get carried away and think it meant we were now an item, it wasn't worded like that, cant quite remember but to the same effect, it was a bit of a slap in the face though but bear in mind at this point the dead romantic things listed above hadnt yet occurred but was still made to feel very special and to be honest I felt a little confused, I decided to 'suck it up' after-all we had only met for a no-strings fling.This guy does seem very genuine for the most part, I have kept my wits about me, you have to with this type of relationship and everything adds up, you know, if he's a player and is stringing me a yarn, he has a bloody good memory as he has never tripped himself up, he tells me about his friends, family and his business. He bought me a gift when at a Latino carnival and says he has a little something for me for Amsterdam.Anyway the day after the romantic evening down the beach, I said to him did he want to come and walk my dogs with me, thinking it would be nice, I needed to walk them and it would be nice to have his company and do you know what he turned his nose up, it took me aback a bit, I asked why and he said that it was a bit close to home (what ever the hell that means) and basically that dog walking doesn't really factor into a nsa relationship!!!!! I got a bit shirty and retorted 'oh I see, so as long as its all your way, its ok' I also said, in my opinion, that all the overly romantic gestures are not part of nsa, its not necessary, its a sex relationship, there's no wooing required, yes enjoyable company, yes good times and fun but nothing too fluffy and I told him I didn't know where the boundaries lie because of his actions, anyway he did start to respond but I cut in saying look lets not talk about this anymore ( I just wanted to drop it, cos 1 I was really quite angry and didn't want it to spoil the rest of our time and 2 I also felt quite upset by it) so we dropped it and carried on as normal.I probably should have knocked it on the head but he has me kind of hooked, I have been relatively careful about not revealing how much I do like him but he must know, I have told him I enjoy his company immensely, I tell him how special he makes me feel, always show him appreciation and gratitude for the lovely things he does for me, I did say once that I liked him more than I expected/planned I would, I just know he knows..... So someone please tell me does this guy want a relationship with me, can I allow myself to chill out a bit, am I the rebound? Is he a head messer, is he messed up, surely he realises there are things you just dont do if you dont want the other person to get the wrong idea or do i have him hooked he's just ready to admit it yet after all he was just looking for sex and not a relationship. I know really that he is the only one who can tell me but he has reminded me not once but twice that we are nsa but his actions tell me something else and I'm not ready to quit just yet.My gut instinct is telling me 'Yes he does like me more than he admits but my mind is saying yes but dont forget what he said “NSA”!!!!
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flowers, my ex, player, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LittleAlfie  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Well should you decide to move on so early on, it's safe to assume you'd get past these feelings relatively fast. If that's the route you choose, you may find yourself stronger, and perhaps even find a relationship without so many complications. So whether or not you find another (if you move on), you'll still be coming out a wiser individual.
Besides, telling him you're moving on to find something more meaningful will provoke a "shit or get off the pot" feeling in him, that can ultimately give you the best answer to your problem.
But don't get discouraged. This is an experience that will probably teach you a lot about yourself, in any case.
A
female
reader, Peckerson +, writes (16 August 2010):
Peckerson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time to read and respond to my dilema and you each have some valid points.
Living with the Ex, although in my mind is not an issue as i know true to my heart that i have no feelings for him any more, but yes you are right, i know if the boot was on the other foot, i'd be climbing the walls wondering if anything was still going on.
The Ex is fully aware that i am dating someone and has no issue, in fact always wishes me a nice time when i tell him i am out for the night, i dont talk about my ex to the new guy, i dont even think about him when i am with my 'date' however my date does ask questions about him! I have invited my date to my house, i take his calls when i'm there and have taken my flowers home there but yes i guess this could be a key stumbling block in any potential new relationship.
deeinWA - I relate to almost all your points, it is confusing, i did go on a couple of dates after the first time i was reminded that 'we are nsa', i didnt sleep with them i hasten to add, no compulsion to due to feelings for new date but i am trying to be aware of the fact that i may miss 'The One' whilst waiting for this one to make his mind up. And you are right i believe when you say woman form a connection far quicker than men, especially when you are focusing on one guy at a time, however i do ask myself that due to the intensity & romance shown, that even the most resisting of guys must surcome to feelings, when spending so much intimate time with someone.
I know i need to put my cards on the table but so worried, he will say, i did tell you that im not looking for longterm bye bye and i'm not ready togive him up at the moment so i guess i will continue on with an ignorant is bliss attitude for a while longer.
LittleAlfie - You say 'The latter would obviously be difficult, but ultimately youll be pleasantly shocked at the results' what exactly do you mean in terms of the results?.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): Ok, I read your Question, And to me this guy is screaming out to you "DON'T HURT ME!!"
It's like he already know's he is emotionally attached to you, but he is trying to convince himself that he isn't... If that makes sense?
I think, His problem stems from his previous relationship, He said to you "He split from a long term girlfriend in Feb '10 and confided to me that he was quite jaded at the idea of love at the moment" So this tell me, he's been hurt quite badly by this relationship failing.
The other problem I see him havig is that you still live with your ex! No matter what the problems are, you need to break away from this old relationship, or at least let your ex know you are seeing another man. Until you can get your own place. Lets face it, If he was living with his ex... would you not wonder what went on at night, when your phone was quiet, and afterall, he is in a house alone with a woman he has once had a physical AND emotional connection with!
You can subtly let your "bed buddy" know that your ex is aware of the situation by having him pick you up from your place. And you need to reassure him that your ex is not going to come out and attack him with a baseball bat! Let him know your Ex is aware of the situation, and is accepting of it.
If he thinks he's some sordid little secret, he won't want to fall in love with you... He's too scared too!
I don't think you're the rebound, But I do think HE feels he might be the rebound.
I could be wrong, as I have only heard your side of the tale, but from what you have written, I think this is whats going on.
Good luck in whatever it is you decide to do! x
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A
female
reader, DeeinWA +, writes (16 August 2010):
Oh gawd, I know exactly how you feel. It's confusing first and foremost, but also it's very immature. It's understandable to be lonely, but after a certain amount of time you both begin to form an attachment complete with feelings. Especially when there is such a connection and sex is involved. My "friend" became very jealous when he thought I was seeing another man, so I had to remind him that he made the rules, I just agreed.
The problem with many women is that we tend to focus on one man. That makes it easy for us to form an romantic attachment to them and exclude other men that might be equally or better quality.
My advice is to continue dating. You don't have to sleep with other men, but honestly date other people without comparing them to this man. This is not to make him jealous, but to keep yourself sane. He may be a commitment phobe as the others stated, but you don't need this type of confusion, especially knowing that you are ready for an exclusive long term relationship.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): Looking at what you've written here, I would say he's a head messer and a commitment-phobe...but not intentionally so. He's blowing hot and cold with you because he's scared. You quite clearly know what kind of a relationship you would like to have with him but he's quite clearly scared shitless to commit!
Don't keep letting him do this to you. Tell him you want a meaningful relationship with him because that's how much you really like him (i.e. it's a positive thing not a negative thing). If he runs the other way, he's an idiot (and it's his loss!).
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A
male
reader, LittleAlfie +, writes (15 August 2010):
I've been that guy before. If he's anything like I was, he's a genuinely decent guy who is just looking for a way to fill the lonely points in his life. He's trying to make sure you don't feel used, so he treats you well and keeps the lines of communication fairly open. Unfortunately, he's not completely willing to let you in completely. If that's the case, there's little you can do but choose to wait for him to be ready, which of course is risking heartache, or call it quits and move on. The latter would obviously be difficult, but ultimately youll be pleasantly shocked at the results.
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