A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Is it a red flag when he's not willing or ready to spend more time together? After 8 months, and a wonderful relationship, I'm baffled by my boyfriend's resistance to spend more than 4 nights a week together. We live around 30 minutes apart, and always spend time at my house so he does all the driving. This is completely his choice, as he is not comfortable with us being in his small apartment. I have offered numerous times to come there and share the drive but he says he needs to clean the bathroom and bedroom before we could stay there. We have had the same schedule for almost the entire 8 months. Friday night, Saturday night (he works 1/2 day on Sat), all day Sunday and night, and Wednesday night. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday he says he needs for his time alone. He does not go out to clubs, etc., and mostly spends the time alone in his apt.. He always calls the nights we are not together. I wanted to add one more night per week and he says he's not ready and needs that down time. He is not a player, or interested in seeing anyone else. He's been single over 10 years and says he needs time to adjust. I find it difficult to understand because he seems to be crazy about me and treats me so well. When we are together, it is absolutely incredible ... in and out of the bedroom. We have already taken one vacation together for 5 days and it was amazing. We have some other short trips planned in the future and he seems totally committed to building a future together. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. Is this a red flag or am I being unreasonable?
View related questions:
player Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEve,Thank you for your response. I have been to his place one time. It was unexpected and he was terribly embarrassed. His living room is nice, but when he showed me the bedroom I thought he was going to die. It's a total mess .. piles and piles of "stuff" and barely enough room to make it to the bed. I did not go into the bath because I could only imagine how much that would embarrass him. I have assured him it would be okay and offered to help. I have a beautiful, large home that is almost always in perfect order. I think he feels insecure even though I've tried to reassure him. He does work fairly long hours in a demanding job ... physical therapist .. and mostly for elderly people. He loves his work and gives 100%. There has also been an issue in the past with his drinking (always at home alone) and I am concerned he needs those 3 nights to drink (if he decides to) and knows I won't know. He says he's an alcoholic, but has done nothing to get help. He does not drink when he's with me (since mid-Dec) and never seems to miss it. As far as his place, there were no signs of anyone but him ... if that was your concern. He is really not that type at all. It's clear it's only him (and his messes) at his place, but after at least 6 months of me suggesting we share time at each place it seems unreasonable that he won't find a way to get it done. He is easily overwhelmed though ... and is very hard on himself.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 I think he does well if he's working yet still spends 4 nights out of 7 to come and see you. I'm a little concerned by the fact he doesn't want you to go to his flat though. Have you EVER been there and seen where and how he lives? Next time, tell him you'll come over to see him, if he gives the excuse about the bathroom etc needing cleaned tell him you'll help him. Either that or just "drop in" on him. It sounds to me like he has something to hide at home and I'm hoping for your sake it's just an untidy house!!!
Eve
...............................
|
