A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A year and a half ago, my 3 year relationship with my ex ended pretty badly. I found out she was actually cheating behind my back with a mutual friend of ours. I still loved her a lot and tried to work things out but in the end it didn't end up working out. I was desperate to keep her in my life at that time to be honest. I forgave her and we stayed friends. I've been with my new girlfriend for 6 and a half months now and I care a lot about her and have been spending a lot of time with her. Because of this, my ex and I haven't been talking much anymore because we're both quite busy with our lives and new partners. What I am trying to get at is this....recently my ex has been contacting me more than usual trying to rebuild our friendship and talk more. She was wondering why we've been losing touch. I really do want to stay friends with her because we have such a big history together but at the same time I'm wondering if it's a bad decision to keep an ex in your life? Is it a normal thing to stay friends with an ex or do those situations usually turn out badly?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 Why would you want to be friends with someone who cheated on you, lied to you, caused you to lose a close friendship? You're still desperate to keep her in your life because of your ego. It feels good to have the one who did these horrible things chase after you now.
However, how much baggage does that put on your current relationship, and how comfortable would you be if your girlfriend had an ex she remained close to throughout your relationship? You've been cheated on too!
I question how over your ex you are. It's one thing if it was amicable and you broke up because life was in the way or you both realized you were incompatible and there was no chemistry, but she cheated and you were desperate to keep her in spite of her betrayal. Keeping her around isn't healthy to you and it's really not healthy to your new relationship. This woman wants you around to hedge her bets because she knows that all she has to do is snap her fingers and you'd drop everything and resume the relationship you were so desperate for a short year ago.
Time to let the past be the past, lose the ex, and enjoy what you have now before it's gone.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): "recently my ex has been contacting me more than usual trying to rebuild our friendship and talk more. She was wondering why we've been losing touch."
I suspect your ex's new boyfriend dumped her and now she needs a fallback Plan B until something better comes along, so she's trying to weasel her way back into your life in order to drive a wedge between you and your new girlfriend.
"I really do want to stay friends with her because we have such a big history together but at the same time I'm wondering if it's a bad decision to keep an ex in your life?"
Why would you want to stay friends with someone who caused you so much misery and treated you with such disrespect? Ex knows how desperate you were to cling to her and I wouldn't be surprised if she plans on using that to her advantage.
You let your ex play you for a fool once. Don't be a sap and make the same mistake again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2014):
 I think you need to figure out the REAL reason why you feel you want to be friends with the ex. You share history with a lot of people and usually when they treat you BADLY you remove them, for your own peace of mind, so why do you NEED her around?
I don't believe in staying friends with exes, not if the relationship ended badly. I just don't see the point. If you share children or workplace then yes, but otherwise, I think it's easier to FOCUS on your future if you are not looking over you shoulder to your past constantly. Are you talking to the guy she cheated on you with? That MUTUAL friend? (my guess is not)
There are plenty of other people out there to make FRIENDS with.
Would you feel great about your GF still talking to an ex that treated her badly? Would you WANT that person in her life?
Does your GF know about the ex? And is she OK about it? Are open and honest about that?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 January 2014):
 i honestly think it just depends. you two have been broken up for quite a while now. so if you are fully over her and she's over you, and there are no feelings of more than just friendship, i see no reason why you two can't be friends.
on the other hand, you are getting somewhat serious with your new gf. so also be respectful of this. you can be friends, but don't talk to her constantly. boundaries are the key here. and if you hang out with her, make sure you are with others, not just her. group settings will make your gf feel better about it. or invite her along if she wants to go.
also, make sure you TELL your gf about her. if she doesn't already know about her, you should fill her in. it looks shady when you keep these things from one another.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): An ex girlfriend is not a friend you/she made her choice when you broke up concentrate on your new partner not a person who it didn't work out with unless your that desperate for friends
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): I think if things ended well and it was generally you were not compatible in a relationship but a friendship arose then hearing from each other now and again would be understandable.
I don't understand why you would want someone who was so capable of hurting you by cheating on you in your life. If you spend enough time on here you will see how regularly partners are insulted by their bf or gf's choice to keep an ex in their life when that ex was vile.
Imagine your current gf had an ex that cheated on her, when she was completely in love and hurt her the way you were hurt. You'd think the guy was an idiot. Then imagine your gf insisting their friends and contacting him and rebuilding a friendship. Personally, to me that would make no sense but that's just my opinion. But surely you would be very cautious of the guy, and would wonder what his intentions were of maintaining a friendship when he couldn't even maintain a relationship.
You need to ask yourself what the reason is in building a friendship with a woman who so easily hurt you. She couldn't maintain a relationship and if she was such a great friend, as well as gf, she would have talked any issues out with you and split up with you before she pursued another man. I think you need to let contact fizzle out before it causes problems in your new relationship. You energy should be focused on building connections with your new gf not an ex.
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