| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Is it true ,that men only leaving the marriage, when he has someone else already in place? AND woman will leave ,even if there is no lover on side ,because they are more independent than man?I heard ,when the woman dies , no man stays alone max more than 1 year, because they need someone to take care of them? If it;s true its is such a poor report card for man, also woman maybe should start acting more selfish, if man don't make them feel un-replaceable.Its such a bad feeling to imagine, if I would be gone ,my man would be picked by a lady in instant, it makes me feel not special. Is this just a myth?
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): I don't agree with this generalization. My first wife and I were married for a short time and she was my first love. Without getting into detail of why the relationship didn't work, I grieved the loss of the relationship for almost 6 years! I didn't want to get involved again because all I could see was her eyes, her laugh and her smile. By contrast, she started dating someone only a few months after we broke, and she and I had had a great sex life. She then got married to a man that proposed only on 2nd date and they only dated for 2 months before getting marrried. She jumped from our marriage to dating, to marriage, all within a 2yr time frame. I stayed in a mourning phase and very deeply hurt like somebody died, for almost 6 years. I would meet women, but they could sense I had nothing emotionally to give, and never developed a relationship for a 6 year time period. I had 2 one night stands, for sex, but it was 4 years after the divorce. It wasn't because I didn't want sex or companionship or love. I could have had any number of women if I wanted to. I was young, attractive, successful,but I still loved her and couldn't move ahead without my life. By contrast, she moved forward very, very fast. I always thought we would have a second chance to fix what wasn't working in the first part, but it simply never happened. I wrote her a letter, in '97 asking her to come back to me, if she even had a child, I would raise it as stepfather, because the man who married her did it strictly to get legal status in the US. She never replied. Now, 14 years later, I am married for 6 years, with a 4yr old son and I get a letter from her all of a sudden. She's married to same man, with 2 kids, but obviously she still had some feelings for me, or would not have written. I was shocked after 14 years to get a letter from her. There is no generalization about men or women. Men hold emotions much more deeply inside than woman do. We show them less, and project authority, power, and being "in control". We need to show strenght and not that we're crumbling emotionally inside. We deal differently. My advice is take as much time as you need to heal and get over your broken heart. There is no general answers about how long it takes for a man or a woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): Yes, I think all man are just cry babies in woman's arms. Man has very little integrity. Sorry to those who can prove me wrong.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): One size fits all generalizations are very seldom accurate. For instance, my current wife left her first husband after many months of thinking about it and suffering through his insulting behavior and cheating. She went out the night after she left him and met another nice guy and slept with him. When my first wife left me, it was a shock to me and I was very distressed and didn't go out for about 2 months and didn't date someone for about 6 months. What generalization should we conclude from that. The answer is nothing. Everyone is different and I don't think that there is as much difference between men and women as some think. I survived quiet well in those 6 months. I cooked, washed the dishes and clothes and kept the house clean. My ex and I worked out the property settlement by ourselves, without getting the lawyers involved. I managed quite well by myself.
...............................
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 You presumably have a broken heart and are in the grieving process trying to figure it all out. Desperate to find reasons and explanations. This is all part of the process but at the same time, try to move yourself forward each week.
You are coming to false conclusions at the moment because your thinking is distorted. Just take it as an indicator you are not your best presently, so don't take any major decisions. You'll get over it in time.
Don't attach too much importance to this male versus female stereotyping. We are all human and all have different characteristics, genetics, experiences, values and backgrounds.
Start thinking more about YOUR future.
Good luck
Richard
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): Let me put this to you nicely...
MEN are as capable of surviving alone as WOMEN.
However we simply prefer not to. Because if we are depressed and have a woman we at least can have sex. And masturbation doesn't count.
Seriously for a moment. Do you know EVERY man in the world? Hmm? No. You don't.
Women don't realise this, but male emotions are very complex and buried a hell of a lot deeper than a woman's. Why else do women cry all the time even in SAD movies? A man recognises the sad situation but we are capable of cutting off and burying said emotions. Women aren't so good at this.
So one man might feel that he does not need to be alone and so find another woman that makes him feel as his beloved once did. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Would you prefer he spend the rest of his waking moments in despair and depression?
Or would you rahter he be happy, albeit with a woman who isn't as selfish as you?
Stop making generalisations.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): my wife died 10 years ago. i didn't date for about three years and then kept a girlfriend for only about four months and i couldn't continue with the relationship. i just didn't have anything to give; everything i had was still wrapped up in my late wife. i was not over her. over the years, i raised our daughter to adulthood, gained a little weight, lost a little weight, got a new job, lost a new job, got a new job, painted some pictures, fished a lot, bicycled a lot, read hundreds of good books; but, i still have not had a new girlfriend. i have flirted, had one night stands for the sex, but women could see that i had very little emotionally to give them. every night when i go to bed, it is my wife that i see when i close my eyes. i had loved my wife a lot, even more i had really liked her. love - like, they are different you know. i still love her. i have gotten used to her being gone, moved on with my life, but once a woman has been the good part of a man's life he does not forget her. he may move on to another woman, but the good things you had together remain in his thoughts and his relationship with you helped mold his ability to relate with other women. every woman leaves her mark permanently on her man. we may move on in our various ways, but we don't forget. what women dislike about men is that we can detach from emotions to do what needs to be done to move on and women perceive this as coldness or indifference or many other things. but it is really, that men have a different way of problem solving than women. not better, not worse. but what you really have is an ego problem, you feel slighted at a concept/process you obviously don't understand. you may have issues with selfishness. maybe be control too...gotta keep that man humbled before me even thought i am gone. you question would have made more sense to me if a 18 year old had asked it, not a woman reaching her mature years.
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (25 January 2008):
 "The one thing that you said that is just TOTALLY true is that a man won't leave a marriage until he has a backup whereas women will leave even if there is no lover on the side"
I have to say I DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS. Speaking as a man I wouldn't wait until I had lined someone up before leaving. I'm also speaking as someone who's mother lined someone up before leaving my Dad. Not that it's an issue for me since my Mum and Dad weren't happy for a long time and following the divorce they both were so much happier with their new partners.
"yes, women are much more independent and loyal than men. They be alone for a long time, leave their partners without already having a backup"
Also speaking as a man and an extremely loyal and independant one at that I also disagree with this comment.
I can appreciate these are generalisations and NOT certain fact. I'm sure we'll hear it as long as we're on this planet but I think it's wrong to brand all men the same and all women the same.
I've had extremely bad experiences in past relationships and I don't brand women all the same because of it. If I did that I'd never be open to meeting anyone.
It takes guts and courage to leave a relationship and marriage without a backup. It takes a STRONG person, man or woman.
Rant over :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (25 January 2008):
I don't think this is a man or woman thing. This is really down to the individuals concerned. Some people just cannot be on their own and jump straight into another relationship, sometimes a whole string of relationships one after the other, some take time out to take a break and deal with breaking up.
In my situation I broke it off with my EX 2 and a half months ago now and took a break, deal with it and get my head together. During this time I had met attractive girls quite often whilst out (even if I do say so myself - I was quite surprised to be honest) but I didn't want to go there until I felt I was ready.
Since splitting up my EX jumped straight into a new relationship which, as far as I know, lasted about a month, and a couple of weeks later she's jumped into the next one.
So there you go. It really does depend. If you have closure as to why it ended then ultimately I believe it's easier to get over it. If the break-up was due to an affair and one of you wanted out and sought comfort and affection with someone else, then the cheater might appear to be over it quickly since their feelings for their partner had already faded (or even died) while the person who was cheated on will likely take longer.
IN SHORT I THINK IT'S DOWN TO THE INDIVUALS CONCERNED AND THE CIRCUMSTANCES SURROUNDING THE BREAK-UP.
MOVING ON QUICKLY DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN THEY'RE OVER IT. SOMETIMES PEOPLE TRY AND HIDE THE PAIN BY JUMPING STRAIGHT IN TO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP RATHER HASTILY.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): No its not a myth. In fact most if not all of things you said happen to be very true. That's why its kind of hard to believe that men have the upperhand in society.
The one thing that you said that is just TOTALLY true is that a man won't leave a marriage until he has a backup whereas women will leave even if there is no lover on the side.
But yes, women are much more independent and loyal than men. They be alone for a long time, leave their partners without already having a backup. I don't know why this is so I don't know how to change it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): Do not persist in thoughts that cause you disquiet. As the owner of your thoughts, you should maybe try and abandon those which obstruct your way. As long as it does you harm, the feeling is bad and undesirable. Broidering in your imagination hypothetical situations as such can take its toll on how you perceive reality or react to it. Find a mechanism of "coping." Men do this for various reasons, some glorious, some... LESS glorious, and women as well, surely. Those who need someone to take care of them and to take care of sincerely as well, may be very impressionable, very dedicated. For one reason or more they may be compulsed to move on to another relation that meets their requirements better. On the contrary they can only be in search of superficial liaisons! Judge the reasons, before the facts. As for the fact a man, as a widower, finds another wife, that is not only correct, but also DESIRABLE. Nobody who loves a person should claim for her partner to remain faithful to her, when they no longer can be together, either because of one's death or other forbidding reasons. "Picked in an instant?" This question hides a kernel of insecurities. You may need to analyse how you feel about your own self and how such fearfulnesses can repercuss upon your relations. If you have seen "Message in a bottle", the man rebuilt a new life, but this did not determine him to MINIMISE the importance he attributed to his first marriage or cherish less the memory of the first wife. Contrariwise, he continued having imaginary dialogues with the person who he loved dearly, yet chose to concentrate on reality. And his healer, the new beloved. To conclude, it is generally approved that, to love somebody is to be happy for him even when his happiness does not include you. All the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): How could anyone ever guarantee?
Every guy and every girl in the whole world is different. It's not fair to generalize and be stereotypical. We can't judge whether to be with someone or not because of some silly rumour we've heard. Maybe some men would end up with someone else relatively quickly, but this doesn't mean he never loved you to bits. It's not fair to generalize such a big statement on men.
...............................
A
female
reader, Variety +, writes (25 January 2008):
 Seems like a load of rubbish to me. Not all men act the same. I imagine it would be different if a man knew his wife was going to die as opposed to it happening suddenly. Also this view that a man needs someone to look after him is only valuable in the past; in a time when women did everything around the house.Yes some men leave relationships with the next one lined up. The same if true for some women. We all need to get past these stereotypes that seem to be causing unneccessary problems in relationships. x
...............................
A
female
reader, confused.i.is +, writes (25 January 2008):
 It is not a myth, albeit all men are not the same.I would say just a handful can survive alone, those who have inner strength, financial stable, able to cook and iron for themselves.
...............................
|
