A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. I'm currently in my last year of school and hoping to go to uni next year, which is all good. But there's something that got me thinking...Loads of people are saying that you should be single when you go to uni. Apparently if you're in a relationship when you go to uni, it just doesn't work. I know this isn't strictly true and some couples do it and are fine. But a lot of people who've been to uni, or who have older siblings all say that it's a struggle and often doesn't work. I'm not in a relationship myself and I feel like I shouldn't be in one. Going to uni is such a big change that I feel it would be pointless to have a relationship with someone right now. My friend feels the same as me. I have two other friends who are currently in relationships and are going to uni next year. One says she's planning to finish with her boyfriend before uni, and the other claims that she's gonna be with her other half forever. She doesn't think uni will affect them.So I'd really like your opinions, experiences and thoughts over this? Thank you xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): Many break up before they leave when there is much distance. I guess that is what you are really reffering to here, not the fact of going to university, but the fact that the couples will be engaged in a long distance relationship? As for long distance, that really depends on the people in it. Some do fine. I am in one now and so far so good. I know a friend of mine who was in one when she moved abroad as an exchange student, they stayed together the whole year but broke up fairly soon after she came back home. So I guess, what was the point then. They had just met weeks before she was to leave as well, so I don't think I'd do what she did, but when you're in love I guess you think with your heart not your head.I wouldn't recommend you get into a relationship right before leaving. What grounds will you be able to build for a good relationship then? You might as well just start dating someone who already loves far away if you'll be moving soon anyways. Another reason why some I know don't get into relationships while they are studying is that the studies take up too much of their time and they don't feel they have the time for a boyfriend/girlfriend.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (21 December 2009):
 I have been to uni, and I work at one now, so I get to see this all the time.
In my experience, no, relationships that you start at school very rarely work out once you move on to university.
There are many factors involved, distance, growing up, becoming independant, and meeting many many new people. Its a whole new world and until you get there you will not realise how different it really is.
When you are at school, you are surrounded by the same group of boys for a long time. At uni, there are thousands of men, all ages, from many places in the UK and the world - people you would never meet whilst at school. Generally, the boys you met back home will pale in significance to these new people.
Also, being tied to someone at home, means you have to make a really big effort to meet up, and see each other. It then becomes a big struggle to balance your new friends, and your BF back home.
Then there is the trust issue- can you trust each other not to be drawn to these many new people you are going to meet?
The vast majority of teenage relationships do not last. This is a sad but true fact, and those who say they will be with their BF/GF forever when they are 16 do not see how they will change as people. There are always exceptions, but these are few and far between and the people involved have to work very hard to keep them going, often at the detriment to their work and their new friends. I had one student of mine who failed to hand in an assignment as she "had" to get back to see her boyfriend at home. She will now have to retake the course.
University is the beginning of your adult life - this is where YOU as an independant adult begin to shine. Leave the childhood crushes at school and move on to explore the amazing world.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): Do what makes you happy, simple as that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): I was in a relationship for five months and then i moved to go to Edinburgh uni and my boyfriend went to one in london in October, we are still together and it works really well even though we are in different countries , we see eachother every two weeks :) xxx
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A
female
reader, lucy.whittaker +, writes (21 December 2009):
 Hey honey,
I started at Uni this year. Gave up a place at Sussex to go to Bangor because my boyfriend was going there. We'd been together for 3 years. 4 weeks in he left me for another girl. We were strong and happy before Uni but when we got there it changed both of us. It hurt SO much and I'm still healing after 3 months. However, I have met someone new since being here and made friends that I could never replace or be without. Being single when you get to Uni is a very good thing, it give you the space to be yourself and work out who you want to be. I suffered a month of agony because of what happened (we lived together as well so I had to move out and find a new place) but i'm getting happier. My flatmate is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend who is still back home. Though i know she loves him and they are good together, they are finding it a huge strain to be so far apart, and there have been times where she has almost given up on the relationship. All i can say is it's much easier to be single and free. You meet a thousand people at uni, and you'll make friends like wildfire. It's a good time to be on your own because everyone is in the same boat.
Hope this helps :)
Lucy xxxx
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 December 2009):
 Well from my experience relationships dont work while you are at uni. I started uni 4 years ago and not one of the people I met whilst I was there stayed with their boyfriend/girlfriend that they had when they first went away. Thats including me!
I went to uni and I had a lovely boyfriend at the time, we had met when I was 17 and he was 20, and currently at Coventry uni. I went away to Manchester uni aged 18, and thats quite a distance between the two cities! Even though I thought I was going to be with him forever, it just didnt work out that way and we grew apart because of the distance and because you change as a person while you are at uni.
It is the first time you get your freedom, you experience so many things and you are so busy making new friends, learning new things and trying new things - if you are in a relationship it just becomes too hard to maintain it whilst you are wanting to do so many things yourself.
A relationship only holds you back at uni, especially one that started back at home. That person you are now, is a completely different person to the one you will become over your 3 or 4 years at uni. And having a boyfriend/girlfriend back at home only ties you to that place you have come from, and often that is a place you want to distance yourself from. So the boyfriend/girlfriend is technically like a big weight holding you in your old life, and uni represents your new life, your freedom and the future.
Often in teenage relationships (like your friends have) both people will be a similar age so both parties in the couple will be going away to uni, and the chances are that you wont be going to the same uni, or even one that is close by! So add in long distance to the equation and you start to understand just how hard it is to keep a relationship going.
Some couples can do it, but they have to be so strong, so trusting and so in love to make it work. And they both have to want it just as much as the other - if both people are not 100% committed to making it work then it will definitely go wrong.
I think you are doing the right thing by staying single for now, it will make your life a lot easier and it means you can focus on your studies and getting those all important A level grades so you get into the uni you want to go to!
As for your friend that is planning on breaking up with her boyfriend before uni, that is so harsh! You should never be in a relationship with the knowledge that it is going to end in the near future - you either commit to a relationship and not put an expiry date on it, or you are single. There is no point in stringing someone along just to keep you company until you move away, that is very wrong and she is playing with his feelings which is not right.
Anyway, I hope this has helped in some way and good luck!
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