A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm pregnant and bf never wants to have sex. I don't think he thinks he will hurt the baby or any of that. I think its cos we haven't been getting along as well as we used to before baby came along. He then has no interest as I think he needs to be constantly praised in order to feel comfortable with me. I have been doing that but I feel the whole ego massaging thing is starting to get me down now..cos there is still nothing after all that. This fact alone is starting to drain and upset me. I am sick of being the one to initiate. I also want it much more than him. I don't like the fact I am starting to realise we are actually sexually incompatible so I have backed off completely cos I would rather leave it up to him to come on to me. I haven't pressured him or anything..too fed up from a lack of sex anyway. I told him so but nicely on the hope that would make him reflect and go yeah I should be coming onto her..why am I doing nothing? what is starting to bug me is when he is interested I usually am not and I don't like the fact that we can only do it when he is up for it. I feel its unfair so I told him I am worried cos I don't feel he is meeting my needs but I am meeting his every time cos after all, I still want a sex life with him. I do love him but he doubts it. He asked me last night have you ever loved me? I said of course I have...I wouldn't be trying to salvage this relationship if I didn't care and love you. Anyway he then went off and I left him alone to think about what I had just said. I feel there is no romance and no spice left and its actually a dead relationship. We are like roommates now. I just want the old relationship back where he couldn't wait to see me sort of thing. I told him I can't be with someone who doesn't show me enough affection or love and if you don't want me its better he leave...he can always be in the child's life and I will treat that separately and always be fair to him. So I said I will leave it up to him but at least I have made myself clear. I feel I love him more than he loves me. He is a bad communicator. When there is a prob, he bottles it all up and its virtually impossible to get him to open up and just spit out what he feels is wrong. To get over the lack of sex, I now go on the internet cos am bored all the time. Last night he offered to cuddle me and I jumped for joy lol. Anyway to my dismay, he did but then went off to sleep in a separate room. I woke up v disturbed as I noticed he was not there. Now I wonder is it bad of me to want him more when he is wanting me less in that department?? He also can't unwind when it comes to it either...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eddie, yes I don't think he wanted that at all...after his words when I told him something was up with me and I better go get checked etc. he said 'hopefully not' to a possible pregnancy so when I had to tell him it was harder on me to cope at the time cos I had remembered his words before. The fun factor went right out the window once this was all realised and I don't like that he only comes onto me when it suits him instead of it being equal. I don't even do with him anymore cos I don't see the point anymore. Have also done the whole love you and care for you thing and he just says it back and yet in the back of my mind I wonder. He never says it first unless he has upset me which in my mind just translates into I want to shut her up so I will tell her that. I hate the fact that love you can lose its meaning so easily in a relationship so I use it sparingly.As for upping my game lol...that is always done anyway! :) but as he has no job right now the evenings out which in my opinion are much needed to rekindle any sort of romance are gone... I think we differ on the romance front too..I am an old school type who loves getting flowers but he thinks buying flowers are a waste of money..I agree with what you have said and have been emotionally supportive to him where possible... I think the other problem I have is he has a short attention span when it comes to having a serious talk of any kind or just a conversation so he ends up doing his own thing and I end up doing my own thing...a lot of the time I do manage to get a meaningful conversation with him - he looks like he has gone into another world and I end up going quiet cos I don't want to disturb it! I have told him I don't think he is meeting my needs at all and I can't carry on in this relationship if something doesn't change drastically. For example, He is a smoker - I am not. He knows its a deal-breaker for me as I have a young infant. YET he still continues to do when I go to bed. He knows it upsets me. I asked him calmly, why you do when before he came to live with me he had completely quit the habit successfully. I agree this won't change overnight. What a shame. I just hope something changes and soon..guess only time will tell.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 It sounds like he really didn't want you to be pregnant. I think the bottom line right now is to give him some time. It is a huge change of lifestyles now and it sounds like he may be trying to cope with it. He is also realizing that there was a consequence to having sex -- a pregnancy. And perhaps now that has tainted "the fun factor" to it.
I think you'll just have to support him, emotionally through this. Remind him that you love and care for him and you want to make him happy. It is going to take some to get that sense of "normalcy" back to your life.
Continue to keep open lines of dialog and be sure you talk to him if you feel your needs aren't being met. And be sure that you are being patient.
You may also want to up your game, but creating an environment that is conducive to sex. Perhaps dressing up in sexy outfits or going out for an evening will rekindle the passion.
This won't change overnight and you will have to work at it.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf he holds a resentment about me being pregnant he has not said so. I really think your response is quite accurate though. He was definately on the fence about the relationship before this happened cos he said 'hopefully not' to me being pregnant and of course the pee tester turned positive which made it even more difficult for me to have to come to terms with given that I had just heard him say to me 10 minutes prior 'hopefully not' I had joked at the time and said well there is only one to find out..will get the expensive pee tester that tells me in words and weeks...and there it was.. I don't think he worries about hurting the baby so much as he comes onto me when it suits him but almost never when I want it. I told him I miss the normal sex life already and he got better for a while but then its like his libido shrinks down. He can't seem to unwind or just stop worrying..thinking about other crap even during the act...which only then can sometimes affect his performance. I told him if you relax more - you enjoy it more..so why not?? but like I say he can't relax almost ever...so yeah perhaps you are right and he simply isn't emotionally attached enough with me to do it more..ALSO how can I stop him being resentful about this unplanned baby then..if that is indeed the essence of the problem??
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 May 2011):
No, it sounds like you have some natural desires that your boyfriend isn't fulfilling.
My guess, at least from your post, is that your boyfriend might be hesitant to have sex with you because he is afraid to hurt you or the baby.
If you are having relationship issues, he may be holding a resentment against you and doesn't want to be near you. Some men can have sex whenever without emotional attachment. However, it sounds like your boyfriend is having some issues.
Does he hold a resentment towards you about being pregnant? He may be upset with himself for now being tied to you for the rest of his life -- now that you are having a child together. Maybe he was on the fence before about the relationship.
Either way, I think you need to have a one on one talk with him and talk to him about your sex life and how you miss feeling close to him.
I think his responses will tell you about the state of your relationship and your future with him.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): No it isn't bad of you to want a healthy sex life and some affirmation too in the regards to physical closeness. I used to find that sex or making love really can help me connect to a person that you love in more ways than one and when you take this out of the equation it leaves a bit of a void. I know I am generalising here and generally hate to do it - but us women do connect more on an emotional level through making love to someone. How is his work life etc? Is he stressed at the moment? Perhaps he is afraid that he can't give you what you want, sometimes just a hug is enough for us eh??! But I hear you though, I have heard that when you are pregnant it can make you feel super horny all the time...maybe when you are in bed together, tell him that you feel super horny and start playing with ourself and maybe he will join in??!! I hope that you can resolve this ..but try and focus on other things too. When was the last time you and he went out for a meal or a picnic or whatever together? Think of the things you have in common and work on those, also continue to seduce him a little, put a little spark back there. I know that you feel it is all coming from you, sometimes people can become complacent in a relationship but keep working at it and hopefully you will see the reward.
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