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female
,
anonymous
writes: i am engaged to be married next year, and i recently caught my fiancee looking at porn on the internet. He looked highly embarrassed and just said ("im sorry) when i said i thought that was a form of cheating. we have been togeather for 3 years and engaged for 2 months. i have noticed in the last 6 months he is starting to look at more and more women, i am a naturally jealous person, but i am noticing this more and more and start getting upset when ever we go out togeather, because this hurts me, and dont know why he is doing this at least for the first 2 years of our dating he did not do this he had eyes for me only, or mabe he just hid it better. please help. how do i stop this. i have spoken to him and we just land up fighting. he sais he has always looked at pretty women, and that does not mean he want to date, have an affair or be with them. i dont like it and i feel it is a bad sign. i do not want to be hurt.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): Whatever you do dont marry him until you have this situation entirely worked out. I would suggest premarriage counselling and would put the wedding on hold temporarily. I experienced the same thing...believe me it gets worse. My husband (my fiance at the time) promised he would stop but years down the track he started compalining that my body didnt look like the porn stars (mind you I had had 4 kids) and then constantly comparing me in his mind (he admits) I find out hes been looking at porn on and off throughout our entire marriage...Great..
After loads of counselling I still cant trust him, feel inadequate around him (although Im very confident away from him) and am miserable. Please lsiten to my story and realise that porn is soo degrading to women and undermines marriages
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): My bf and I have dated for just a little over a year and I've noticed that he is beginning to act the same way. Towards the end of the summer, he started turning heads and looking at other women. He would do it right in front of me. Then, one day I was using his computer and went to delete my cookies, and I found a whole string of porno web sites. He even has a folder in his computer with porno stuff his buddies sent him. We even debated over him going to strip clubs with his friends versus me going to night clubs with my friends and dancing with other men. My bf says that porno, looking at other attractive women, and strippers have no substance. He says he's just appreciating other women's bodies and it doesn't mean anything to him. I told him I was hurt and that he was being disrespectful to me. He says he's not going to go out there and sleep with these women. I confronted him and he apologized for hurting me. I haven't seen any of this trash lately, so out of respect for me, he's done a good job of cleaning after himself. It hasn't interfered with our sex life, since we have sex practically almost every day! I would suggest you to confront the issue with him and let him know how you really feel. If he has any love and respect for you, he will change his behaviour. Then, you will just have to have faith in him. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): You guys need to come to an understanding about this, I'm sure there is a compromise to be made, and I am sure you can talk about it like grown adults and friends rather than hateful enemies - just avoid the accusations and lines such as "You make me feel like this" - they are the kind of things that solve nothing.
In defense of your boyfriend, he has probably been exposed to pornography from the day he became remotely interested in sex, and then some years before! Not anywhere, ever, is a man told that pornography is degrading to women, nor that a girlfriend, or wife, could be emotionally hurt by them viewing porn. Porn is sold as nothing more than a means to release a sexual urge. He probably has never, ever, even considered the idea that a women could feel betrayed or cheated on by his pornography viewing.
You need to very carmly articulate your feelings to him, and see if you get him to see how it makes you feel. If your financee wants to be with you, then his behaviour will change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): I had the same thing as you not long ago and until i fully understood I needed to see where we ,not i, or he, were going wrong, I thought exactly the same as you that he was cheating. When we really sat down and talked which was much later and our relationship was in absolute choas I fully realised it wasnt the way i had intitally looked at it. It really hurt for a while and I blamed myself for him looking, then i blamed him, then I blamed everything else I could for him looking. When I actually sat down and thought about it what was the harm. He could only watch , YES WATCH, he couldnt touch, talk to, feel or fondle or go any further than the screen so what was the harm. He never left the house to go to bars to pick girls up, he never stayed away for days on end, he never treated me bad and cheated on me with a real in the flesh woman which so many men do so what did he do that was so bad? The reality of it is he went on a porn site without you knowing which has probably eaten you up inside cause you didnt think he would do that to you but he really hasnt done alot more than that at all.You havent found txt messages or phone numbers, you havent found condoms in his jacket, you aint recieved calls from women telling you he is with them so i suggest that you take it one step at a time, ask him to show you what he was doing, ask him what turns him on about the site, the people (who are payed actors and fake the orgasms ha ha ) then turn it around on him and do stuff to suprise him only you know what that is but think about it logically NO WOMAN IN THE FLESH NO CHEATING......... WOMAN IN THE FLESH SAY BYE BYE
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Jealousy is a very bad thing but i know how you must feel. I have tried my best in the past to overcome jealousy and at times it has spoilt a lot of fun for me.
For him to start and look at internet porn now seems a bit odd. Maybe he looked at it before but didn't say anything. I think you show definately think quite carefully about getting married next year if you have issues like this now. Getting married is not going to make things any better. Ask him why he looks at this stuff and just what does he get out of it.
Best Wishes and i hope you get this sorted.
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