A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok I've been seeing this guy for about 7 weeks. It started off being some casual fun, but has since developed into something more serious, calling and txting several times a day.We agreed to keep things 'open' when we started. We both enjoy snogging others, flirting, threesomes together, and also said we would not be exclusive.But for me any long term relationship wouldn't include us having sex separately with others. And as thing have become more serious, is it too late to ask for a change of terms, or should I just move on?Thanks...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys...some great advice. I think even though I am smitten with this guy, my gut instinct tells me there could be trouble ahead. I need to sort things out now really for my sake and to be honest for him...x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): You are free to do just what you want. If you want to move on then tell the other person, but don't go behind their backs and hurt them. Talk, talk and more talk always helps.Take carexx
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female
reader, stawberry01 +, writes (5 September 2007):
 hi
It all depends on how you every feel about do you want to spend the rest od your live with him if so then do so. You want him all to yourself and no one else if you dont then let him go and move on.
xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): In my experience if you started out the relationship this way then chances are the guy will usually want it to continue like this. You will have to ask him outright and if he is not prepared to give you commitment then you have your answer. In effect you are changing the goal posts from the original agreement you had together and he may not have the feelings for you that you have for him. Just be aware though that if you do continue to sleep with him on a casual basis then your feelings are bound to get hurt.
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female
reader, ilikenight  +, writes (5 September 2007):
 It's probably not going to happen the way you want it to. If this is what he wants from you, just casual open fun I don't see him wanting to give up threesomes and etc. to be in an exclusive relationship with you. I think that if deep down inside that is what you want, find it with a man who wants the same things. I don't think this situation is a good basis to start an exclusive relationship on. But you'll never know if you don't ask. So you may want to try.
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female
reader, penta +, writes (5 September 2007):
 If the choices are "ask for change" or "move on" then you have nothing to lose by asking. If the situation changes, then it's not unreasonable to ask for a clarification of the terms. Good luck.
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female
reader, missbunbury +, writes (5 September 2007):
 Well, it can't hurt to ask! I think that if this would be a dealbreaker for you (i.e. you wouldn't want a long-term relationship unless this condition were met) then you should broach the subject, otherwise things will just get more and more serious and it'll seem harder to do. There's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy, but you'll need to think clearly before-hand about what answers you might get and how you would feel about each possibility. Then, since things are relatively new still, it would probably be best to approach the issue in a not-too-heavy way, if you can - tell him how much you enjoy spending time just the two of you together, and maybe suggest you try and do more of that to start with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): It's never too late!Just ask this guy and tell him that's what you would like. If he's got any respect then he will understand.If you don't feel that you want to just ask him out of the blue and want to know what his reaction will be before hand then tentatively bring the subject up and see how he reacts. This will help you to see whether he will take it well or not.If you do want to start taking things seriously then now is the time to do it - because as time goes on it will only get harder and harder. If you veer the conversation to a way where you can control it, and then start to talk about serious relationships and then tell him you would like one.This way it won't seem so out of the blue.:-)Hope this helps !
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): No it is not too late but you certainly do move fast. I would have thought it very difficult in all honesty to acheive the kind of relationship which is strong enough to stand threesomes alone in the short timescale that you have known him. Never mind the rest. I must be old. I have a completely different attitude to protecting the core of my relationship. It does not expose it to the risks that having other sexual relationships does. Every time you do that you open up the chance of developing a new emotional intimacy with another person. This new fangled stuff does not compute, it seems animal-like, unboundaried and reckless. That's me though, and so long as their is consent who's business is it to judge. It does present a dilema though because whilst you have every right to this personal freedom, by taking it maybe you are giving off the wrong messages. I wonder if I am the only person who sees this type of behaviour as threatening? Sharing one's genitalia with a load of strangers?....it is bad enough having a smear test! Why do you think you are you still on your own and not settled into a family? Is it because of this inability to develop a really intimate relationship? You are likely giving off vibes of a good time girl. That in itself is not bad, but most of the good men that I know would not want Mrs free and easy woman for a wife. They may really enjoy your company and even fantasise about women like you, but not really want the rest long term. Many men would be horrified at the idea of actually sharing sex so you certainly cut your choices by making that known. Perhaps they imagine coming home from work to find you having group sex in the living room. Pretty scary stuff and how do you think your kids would like it? I hope not to be judgemental, but I just can't make being in family life and your threesy whatevers meet in the middle. If I say perhaps you could treat sex like sipping and savouring fine wine instead of like downing Baccardi Breezers would you know what I meant?
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reader, Arriella +, writes (5 September 2007):
 This is probably the best thing... and thats to move on. I wouldnt want to be with anyone who had any intentions on sharing me in the first place, because he would obviously not hold me with high regard. I can only see trouble futherdown the line in a relationship with this foundation. It is easy to develop feelings for someone you are having lots of fun and sex with, but they are not real, they may feel it...but they are not. Either quit now or stop perusing feelings for him and just have fun or rather use each other for sexual gratification, just dont go down that road it will only be you getting hurt in the long run.Take care
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reader, Ears4tears +, writes (5 September 2007):
 Not at all huni, i think its really good that you have started a relationship this way it has given you chance to get to know this guy better before commiting to somethink more serious im pretty sure that if this guy is a keeper he will feel the same. Being in a relatonship doesnt mean that you cant both still go out and have some fun but to avoid a broken heart you do need to set boundries. Talk to him and make sure he knows how you feel, if he then decides doesnt feel the same then move onto someone you deserves to have you to themselves. Best of luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Tell her that you feel different, then let her know your new terms. If she doesn't accept your new terms then move on! If she really does like you she will accept your new terms.
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reader, Aunty Shami +, writes (5 September 2007):
Dear Reader, It sound as if you really care about this man. If you want a change i think the best thing to do is just to ask. Even if you don't get the answer that you want, you are better off knowing than wandering if. You can always walk away afterwards and completly move on with the knowlegde that it may not have been the right time for the two of you. I hope this helps. If you have any more questions feel free to ask.RegardsAunty Shami
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