A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend is a great guy and i feel like i can tell him everything.. but sometimes when i do tell him stuff like me often venting about my crazy family hes too honest. like brutally honest. i know its better to hear the truth but at the same time goodness do you really feel ok with saying stuff like that? Examples:my mother adopts a lot of children with developmental disabilites. and he rudely said "why does your family have so many disabled people" like it was a bad thing.another time he noted that me and my older sister look a lot alike only she's the weird anorexic looking version of myself???? this is getting long so i will write one more. i have been with him for a couple years now and felt i could tell him i was.. raped.. by more then one person in highschool. and later that day he said. " i would never gang rape you" so nonchalantly it was creepy and seriously unnecessary.... i guess my question is why does he do it? and how can i let him know...?
View related questions:
anorexic, disabled Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (9 February 2011):
It's possible to speak the truth without using words that rile up people's emotions. So to not do so is being lazy at best, and mean-spirited at worst.maybe he has a problem with empathy? because choosing words carefully is one thing, but the part about how when you confided in him that you had been raped, and he proceeded to bring it up so nonchalantly, that's more that just not knowing how to phrase things or use different words. so maybe he has an impaired ability to feel empathy? has he had any head injuries? If certain parts of the brain are damaged (such as from trauma) it can impair a person's ability to feel certain emotions and empathy is one of them. Taken to an extreme level that is when people become psychopaths (I mean in the clinical sense). I dont' mean to alarm you, just throwing out suggestions to consider!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 I'll be brutally honest myself and I'll tell you that he does it probably because he is an undersocialized, crude,ill mannered jerk.
There is a difference between being sincere/outspoken and crossing boundaries of sensitivity and respect.
You CAN say the truth- or , at least, your honest opinion - without being offensive. When you say "you look like a stuffed sausage with this dress on " and " darker colours suit you much better ", you say basically the same thing , i.e. : please go change , but the second way is supportive rather than confrontational.
Some people call it hypocricy , some call it diplomacy, I don't know exactly how to call it but personally I feel it is very necessary for healthy communication.
Tell him. Tell him how bad you feel when he is judgemental, or puts his foot in his mouth. Tell him that you appreciate his input and support and you ask it precisely because you value it, but he must realize that different people have different sensitivities and you aren't thick skinned enough to handle his "brutal honesty " ( i.e. coarseness ). Either he will understand and will find a way to soft-pedal it ,- or he won't ,and in this case, trust me, he is not the right guy for you. Or, for most women in general, I'd say.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): sounds like he has zero tact whatsoever. Sort of like small children.
But choosing words more tactfully is a skill that can be learned.
I have a friend who likes to be rude and tactless because he thinks "politically correctness" is for wimps who can't handle the truth. Now, years later, he has been fired or let go from a couple of jobs, and has few friends. Any surprise? He is only married because his wife is equally rude as he is, she too has no friends and no job currently. If they didn't marry each other, no one would want to marry them. They actually have a crappy marriage, they both hate each other. they pride themselves on having "open communication" in pulling back no punches with their words. As a result hurt feelings run really deep. She tells him he is ugly, he tells her she's a whiny bitch.
the real question is, does your husband feel he shouldn't have to be more polite? Does he actually refuse to even try to change.
If he says why should I mince words? the reply is- because when other people get offended, they stop liking or trusting or respecting you. Unless you're a hermit who doesn't come into contact with anyone else, you don't live in a bubble and some times you need the help and cooperation of other people. You lose "social capital" if you drive people away with rudeness. Another reason is because saying things that hurt people is being mean. It's unethical to hurt other people.
...............................
|
