A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I have been with my husband 6 yrs and loving it. Well our love got a lil boring and we spiced it a lil which worked btw. We had a lil fun with another couple and I think were both ready to just do it with a. Single girl (threesome). I like her she likes me and he is fine with it. But my question is how can I tell if he's into for us or is he doing it for himself? If I ask that question it turns into a battle feild. Lol any advice helps. Thank you :)
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male
reader, Bob Loblaw +, writes (15 August 2012):
Well of COURSE he's doing it for himself. And you're giving him everything he wants along the way, so no wonder he turns it into a battlefield if you question him on it. If he had to answer honestly, he'd show himself to be as much of the douchebag that he sounds like he is. There, I said it.
I'm sorry, that's probably not called for, but the way I see it, you are perfectly within your rights to wonder about this polyamorous situation and for him to raise a stink just because you wanted to be sure about his feelings is so incredibly selfish of him, and unfair to you. Yet you sound like you're perfectly ready to just accept it. Frankly, I don't really understand how your 6 years of marriage can be so happy and yet have a love life that can only be spiced up by him getting it on with two women, one of which (fortunately) gets to be you.
Like a couple of the other responders to your question, ask him if he wouldn't mind getting it on with you and another dude. My guess is that won't turn him on so much. Then you'll know how much he's into threesomes "for the both of you".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): All I'm going to advise is not to go ahead with it. Because its plain to see its already causing doubts in your mind, and world war 3 in your relationship.
I'd find other ways to spice things up. Something not as potentially destructive.
My opinion.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 He's doing it first and foremost for himself, although he will want both of you to enjoy it too.
Men, unlike women, aren't dumb enough to take a hit for the team when it comes to sex. If they aren't certain they will love it, they don't do it. If they know they won't like it, they don't do it. No discussion, no explanation, no negotiation, no compromises, no guilt and no apologies.
If only women did the same....
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (14 August 2012):
 With all due respect, my fellow advice-givers apparently have not had much experience with real polyamory. Before you play like this, you may want to get acquainted with the basics of being poly. There are almost 200 support groups groups in the world, so chances are you can find one that is reasonably convenient to you. Try http://polyamory.meetup.com/ for some groups. This is NOT an exhaustive list by any means. (Oh, and just incidentally there is usually a substantial overlap among the poly community, the kink community, and the pagan community.)
This sort of arrangement works very well IF all parties involved understand the emotional basis for such an encounter. You will encounter a term called "compersion". Know it, feel it, love it! It's the polar opposite of jealousy ... sincere pleasure in the knowledge that someone you love is with someone they care about. Poly is all about caring. And it's a LOT of work.
My direct answer to your question is that if you both do your homework it should work well for both of you regardless of his motives. He SHOULD be pleased with your pleasure from the experience. If he cannot capture this compersion, then it ultimately will not work for you.
Frankly, I would be more concerned about his defensiveness about discussing his feelings. Polyamory is all about sharing and caring, and EXCELLENT communication is essential for it to work. This should be a MUCH bigger issue than the question of why he's in this. This is where a support group can come in handy. Many of them often have discussions about how effective communication between a primary couple goes in a good healthy relationship.
If you two DO decide to move forward, take GOOD care of your relationship to the third. Bi women interested in a threesome with a married couple are RARE. In fact the Poly community's term for them is "unicorn", because they are widely thought to be mythical.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Why would it turn into a battlefield OP? Of course he's doing it for himself, it's two women he gets to fuck, watch do each other and please him, you just being one of those women.
What do you think this is? haha.
He wants to do all this for your benefit and get nothing out of himself?
Unless of course you just love the taste of woman's fun bits, are bi and this was your idea in the first place.
This is another woman OP unless you're into women sexually then this is all for his benefit besides if this is something you want to do then what's problem with why he's doing it?
Need anymore proof then just ask him about having a threesome with another guy too.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I would tread lightly... an open marriage is what killed my last marriage... I thought we were happy... he set it up so that I had no way to make it work and he "left me" but he wanted out and was too chicken to say so.
Now I feel like the bad guy....
to be honest, if you think it's for you... ask him if you can have a 3some with another man... that will give you your answer...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Well what do you gain from this? What does he gain from this? If the only thing you gain from it is knowing that he enjoyed it, then it is all for him. I've never heard of a threesome working out in a monogamous couple. I'm also not sure why he thinks it's OK to actually do this, but won't even talk about it. If you have reservations, you shouldn't do it. If he is pressuring you into it, it tells you all you need to know about who it is for (hint, not you).
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