A
female
age
30-35,
*eavilyBroken
writes:So cut a story short, I met a guy when I was 17, went through some really bad stuff, lying and cheating. Settled down at 19 and had my son, but then he kept staying out all night getting drunk. So I moved back to my mams in may 2012, after finding out I was already pregnant with my daughter. I still loved him but he was never there, and I was so scared to have 2 babies - so I left. Now between May 2012 and April 2013, we had some really bad times, he really hit the drink after I left. Sometimes wouldn't see his son for weeks. But all the time it was breaking my heart because he was all I wanted. Anyway I saw pictures of him and a girl on facebook and I was devastated; even though we were split up, he was supposed to love me. Rumours started flying, and when I asked him, but I knew he just lied to my face.One day he came in and told me everything, and we moved on it was great, he practically lived at my mams. So on October 15th 2013 we moved into our own place. We're really struggling with money and its been a tense 5 month. But its been great being together no matter how hard times get! Anyway he went out a couple weeks ago, ended up staying out all night. I wasn't impressed. But we got over it, then I noticed money had went missing from that night. I asked him what happened and he played dumb. Now is friend who was out with him confirmed he took the exact money. And when I asked him why? All I got was "don't know" and now the silent treatment.Can we ever rebuild this relationship? Am I over reacting, is it just 1 slip up? Do you think it should be over?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 It's not just a slip up
and you are NOT over reacting.
You are struggling with money in this relationship and he has placed his NEEDS and WANTS above you and the children.
this is a pattern of behavior that will not change unless HE wants it to change. YOU wanting him to be the man you want and need is not enough.
DO NOT love his past.
DO NOT love his potential.
IF he cannot be the stand up dad and partner you want and need then be strong and leave now. Better to end it earlier than go on for years being frustrated to finally leave later on.
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (17 February 2014):
Exes become exes for a reason.Dump him for good this time and learn a lesson.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): He stole from the family money, when you're both struggling financially and has been lying about it and keeping it a secret for two weeks. If anything you're under-reacting.
OP you say "rebuild" like you ever had a real relationship. You didn't, you had a thing with a guy filled with cheating, lying, regret, pain, heartache with some good times mixed in and very strong feelings. That's exactly what you are rebuilding too. The lies are back and even better he's also a thief. What's worse is that you're struggling with money and with kids to feed and he steals some and goes and blows it on booze.
You gave this thing a second chance and the same things you broke up for are happening again, aren't they? So you have the same shit to look forward to this time too.
OP no one can tell you what to do here, you have some big decisions to make. But frankly I'd end it while there's still a chance of being on good terms because the last thing you want is for this to fall to pieces again and be filled with drama. Like it or not, OP, this guy is in your life for good, assuming he's a good father which I assume is the case, he'll always be a part of your life.
OP he hasn't changed and if you want to know the truth, it sounds more like he treats you like his mother too. Lying, playing dumb, stealing money, that's all what rat bag little teenagers do to mothers, you don't treat your partner with such little respect.
OP two weeks of stealing, lying and for all you know cheating too, is not a slip up. It's him reverting to the guy he is after being on his best behaviour for the past few months while you gave it a shot.
The reasons you broke up still exist, they're still there and haven't been fixed. And they won't get fixed either because he refuses to even admit fault.
It's lose/lose for you here, OP.
OP I have no doubt in my mind your love for your babies far outweighs anything you may have for this guy. They're getting to the age now where they need stability, security and a peaceful, relaxed home. Being a mother you don't have the luxury of sitting back here and hoping for the best. You simply can't play with their lives and emotions like that, you can't raise them in a household with no trust and where things are just falling apart already. Everything that happens between you and him has a direct impact on them regardless of how careful you think you're being.
I think you already know what's happening and already know what you have to do. You will pick your kids well-being over all else including your love for this man who has shown himself to be the same untrustworthy guy you had to break up. I mean if you were keeping that money aside or it was meant to be for your kids then that's the lowest of the low and it's not just about you forgiving a "mistake" it's about not allowing this guy to deny your kids things they need.
Forget what you may want, forget how much you love him and think what's best for them. There's probably a lot more to this than you've said, but only living with one parent provides much greater security than living with two who are in the middle of an emotional experiment. Don't be fooled into thinking forcing them endure a toxic relationship is somehow is worth it, it never is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): You became parents too young. You made a bad choice taking him back. Nothing has changed. You just took him back unconditionally.
Without going into my usual lecture; I'm keeping this one short and simple.
You entered into a relationship with a guy with whom you had a bad experience, and share terrible history. You didn't take that into account. You then got pregnant with him, knowing he has an untreated drinking problem.
Technically, history isn't repeating itself. You weren't apart that long. It's just a continuation of things as they always were. You just didn't use your better judgement when you took him back.
Dump him, kick him out, and get court-ordered child-support.
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