A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So this is a complicated one, I'm Mike, I met a guy "David" online it was great! We got on so well and I met him a few times, we got drunk on the 2nd meet and then ended up sleeping together. I regret it but it happened.He was a bit off with me after that night but when I invited him to watch a film with me a few days later he accepted and came over. We didn't cuddle or anything during the film, a tiny bit of flirting went on. He then told me "I got something to tell you, I'm not looking for anything at the moment. My head is all over the place" So my response was "Me either", but it then got awkward so I said I was getting tired and it was time for me to go to sleep so he left. But just before he did he gave me a hug. After he left I text him saying how I felt led on and wished he had told me etc. Another thing we both admitted was that we were still shy around each other and I told him that I wasn't myself, to which he agreed he wasn't either. We then met a few hours after because we were bored, we were out for just over an hour in a car just driving around. When he got to drop me off home he asked if I would have a cigarette with him before I went, to which I agreed. When I had finished I got up to get out the car and he said wait there a minute and carried on talking to me for a bit. We didn't mention anything that happened previously when we met again. Before I left he said "Give me a hug Mike" To which I did and it was a nice hug! So now I guess you can feel the confusion which I do!. Where do I go from here? I haven't spoke to him since last night and nor has he spoke to me. I want to see him again but I just don't see him as just friend material. Do I play it cool? Do I give up? Advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answer WiseOwlE, your completely right after reading your answer it has made me think realistically and take a look on reality. I think he would be a great friend to get to know and I'm jut going to get to know him as a friend. You're right I don't know him well and I would like to get to know him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): You're expecting too much too soon. He also told you from the start he isn't looking for anything at the moment. He still seems like an affectionate and friendly guy.
You aren't going to get an instant boyfriend. He doesn't really know you, and you're far too eager to start a relationship. Just for the sake of saying..."I've got a boyfriend.!" Whoa! Holdup! Sloooow down!
That's reckless and too much what a teenage girl would do.
Having sex with you, doesn't obligate him to become your boyfriend. He has to feel the same thing for you, as you feel for him.
You really can't feel that deeply; because you hardly know him. You're just eager to make someone your "boyfriend." If you don't know him, you can't really like him that much; with so few visits since you first met him. He's probably cute, very sweet. So you're ready to do this.
Not so fast!
I'm going to give you some advice. The trouble with young gay men is they have too many feelings grounded on fantasy. They're young and gay, and the first thing out of the gate; they want a boyfriend.
That takes time. You have to develop feelings for each other. That means both of you at the same time. Not one ahead of the other. No pushing, prodding, or clinging.
You commit of your own free will. Based on mutual feelings for each other.
He is more level-headed than you. He is taking his time and he was very honest. You're pushy and letting your enthusiasm for getting a boyfriend get the better of you.
You're on the fast track, and you're going to scare all your prospects away.
When you attach too quickly, and commit to a relationship too quickly, it ends quickly.
People caught up in the fantasy of being "in-love" with being "in-love;" are most likely to change their feelings as soon as they come down from the clouds. Then they land in reality.
They start to notice quirks, and imperfections about the other person. They discover they weren't as in-love as they thought they were; then all of sudden, they want out.
Surely you may feel you are ready. You like him. You haven't allowed him to catch up with you. He confessed he wasn't ready for anything just yet. David is a wise young man. That was your queue to slow down. Rushing into a relationship, is rushing toward a broken heart.
That isn't going to happen to David; because he isn't looking for anything yet, and he isn't going to rush into anything.
You are the one who is either going to end up with a broken heart, or causing one. You need to slow down, and get to know someone better; before trying to claim them as a boyfriend. You also need to hold back your feelings and give them away just a tiny bit at a time. So if he's not the right one; you can pull away, and let him go. With a minimum of pain and suffering.
David gives you a hug; because he genuinely likes you. He's just not in-love. Nor are you.
You just want to jump into a relationship. You're clapping your hands, jumping up and down, and you want it now!
If you're frustrated with David; because he won't fall in-love when you say so.
Wish him good luck, and send him on his way.
It takes time to develop feelings. You can be instantly attracted to someone. The real feelings come later, and take time to grow and evolve from fondness, to "love."
David doesn't know what his feelings are yet. He probably only wants to be a friend. If that's not enough for you; you can let him know, and not waste your time.
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