A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a divorced single mom with 2 boys and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He physically abused me on a couple of occasions several months into our relationship. The second time it happened I called the police. He was arrested and court ordered to anger management That was a year and a half ago and he hasn't laid a finger on me since.Alomost every fight we had after that he would threaten to leave and I was terrified because he had before. He blamed me for everything wrong in his life, said I ruined it by having him arrested. Since then he has left me 2 more times, both for about 2 weeks before he came back. Each time I was devastated, but took him back. He refuses to talk about it, saying I just want to fight, that's all I like to do. I have embarrased myself at times by holding his keys, shoes, etc from him just to stop him from leaving again. When he's mad he will ignore me for days. When I'm mad or even sad or upset he gets madI recently caught him in a lie (he lies about a lot of small things) and tried to talk about it. He said I just wanted to fight and now he won't talk to me again. He's the one that lied and I'm the one who feels like I'm to blame. On top of it, I was never allowed to express my hurt to him, he called it fighting. He said he's afriad of me when I get mad, thinks I'll call the police. Is this abuse or is it just him running away from problems? Am I going crazy?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 May 2008):
 I think both of you need to work at this relationship and improve your communication skills.
You need to change your strategy when problem arise between you two.
When someone is mad, just leave them alone till their fires burn out.
Know why they are mad and do not press those ballistic buttons if you can.
Do not stoke their fires by adding more firewoods and fuel.
Ignore what is said when in anger as they don't really meant
it but said it out because they are simply lashing it out without any controls.
A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (25 May 2008):
 I don't think this question is nearly as straightforward as it might seem on first reading.
I think you might need to step back and look at the way both of you are behaving towards each other. I think you may need to look at counselling, together.
From the way you write, my guess would be that there is just as much anger in you as there is in him - and not too far under the surface in either of you. There is far more than anger too; a basic insecurity, maybe, that makes emotions and reactions overly possessive and verging on irrational.
And, looking at the comments from JTalbott, if there is a "controller" in this relationship then I don't think it's him.
None of that is meant to be a criticism of you, but quite definitely the two of you need to be able to look unemotionally and objectively at your own behaviour - and if you can't do that, then you need to have help to do it from professionals. Otherwise, I would be absolutely certain that this relationship isn't going to last.
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A
male
reader, JTalbott  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 As you are aware, a controlling person doesn't need physical violence to control. Emotional withdrawal is devastating to you. Consciously or unconsciously he knows this and uses it as a weapon against you.
One choice you can make is to choose to care less. However that is unlikely to happen; you're been in this pattern for a lifetime and it's not going to change tomorrow.
Typically women in controlling relationships have to leave seven plus times before they're finally able to permanently break free of the controller.
Please seek out a mental health or social worker to talk with. She can help you gain perspective on what a healthy solution resolution will be for you.
Another step towards a healthier you may be to join a self-help group. The behavior patterns you are experiencing are the same ones that other women are experiencing. Seeing yourself in them will give you perspective on your situation and help you find a resolution.
Do it for yourself, do it for your children. Just do it.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (24 May 2008):
 I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but to me it seems like you may have given him "the fear of God" into him with the police arrest. I think that he's got some kind of gun-shy feeling that is really eating at him. I have never been in a situation like that, but it seems that there's that cloud hovering over him (because I'm sure that a prosecutor or a judge told him that if he sees him again, the legal consequences would be harder than the mandatory anger management class).
So, if anything, I think he sees his relationship as a threat that you have over him. I kind of think that even after the mandatory anger management class, the two of you should have gone into some kind of couples counseling as well. He may not be able to express his anger in an outward way around you, but it might still be brewing below the surface and show in different ways, like the fear I mentioned. If you two are serious about moving forward together, then I would recommend that you look at the option of going to a class together.
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (24 May 2008):
your kids don't need this in their life...
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A
female
reader, blackbeltbaby +, writes (24 May 2008):
 can i ask one question before i give some advice on this.... what is it that makes you go back to this man time and time again? this will help me understand what to say to your.
the action that needs to be taken all depends on what you want the outcome to be??
but, yes, refusing to talk about it means he is abusing you darling and by the looks of your message... you have done nothing to deserve this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that we moved in together after dating for about 6 months and about 3 months after he was arrested I came home one day to find he had moved out, no note or explanation. He told his friends he was scared of me,
The last time I talked to him he told me, very calmly, that he thinks he loves me and hates me at the same time, and that he hates himself
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that we lived together less than 6 months after we started dating and 3 months after he got arrested I came home after work to find his things gone. No note, he just left. That's why I get so afriad of him leaving again.
He also told me the last time we talked that he thinks he loves me and hates me at the same time, and he hates himself.
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