| A ,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend goes through phases where he is convinced that I am sleeping with someone else. These paranoid episodes are usually triggered when I engage in a social activity that does not include him; for example if I go visit a girlfriend for a couple of days, or if I go out for a beer with a male friend who he hasn't met yet (we have just moved to a new town and he works away during the week). During these phases he often also claims to be dissatisfied with our sex life, suggesting activities that I personally couldn't contemplate, such as threesomes. I love him and I want to make this work - I know he is madly in love with me, possibly to the point of obsession.Is there any hope that he can let go of his paranoid jealousy? Am I being stubborn and blinkered regarding his sexual desires?
View related questions:
jealous, sex life, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2005): His possessiveness is the problem. Through his own insecurity he is trying to control your life rather than love you. It doesn't sound as though your relationship is based on trust, and without trust it is hard to build a relationship. You shouldn't have to justify your every move with him as he is not your keeper and you are not his possession. If his behaviour is like this now then I'm afraid it never get's better only worse. If you can talk to him about his fears, and hurtful comments then you will be on the right track. Otherwise you will have to make a decision as to whether or not you wish to be with a man who will try to control every aspect of your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2005): Maybe he is more seriously in love with you than you are with him and perhaps he has been deceived in the past and is not fully trusting. Most men would be very concerned if their girlfriend or wife went drinking with some guy while they were away. Is it OK with you if he takes other women out drinking? Maybe he figures that where there's smoke there's fire. From what you've said, your BF is uncertain about your feelings for him and not trying to control your every action. If you follow the seething, hateful advice by BJC above you may be throwing away a loving relationship which is being strained by his uncertainty regarding your actions. Dig deeper into his feelings and compromise somewhat if the relationship is valuable to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 February 2005):
 Hi,Forgive me for being blunt, but you need to get away from this man fast. He is showing all the hallmarks of a potential abuser!The possessiveness, the jealous rages, the claim that he loves you "madly" while whittling away your self-esteem... these are classic signs. The tragic news is that you will never, ever be able to satisfy him, no matter what you do, because his thrill is controlling you. Therefore, the more you try to bow and scrape, the more he'll demand. There is a very good chance that his sexual demands will become more insistant, and include coercion and violence.He's dangerous and you could be at risk. Please don't waste time. Get away and don't stay in touch. I'm speaking as someone who's been there.Here is a list of warning signs. Please look through it and see if it looks familiar. If so, check the phone book for "womens' support".=============Signs of Domestic AbuseDOES YOUR PARTNER….. * embarrass you in front of people? * belittle your accomplishments? * make you feel unworthy? * constantly contradict himself to confuse you? * do things for which you are constantly making excuses to yourself or others? * isolate you from many of the people you care about most? * prevent you from going or doing common place activities such as shopping, visiting friends and family, talking to the opposite sex? * hold you to keep you from leaving after an argument? * lose control when he/she is drunk or using drugs? * get extremely angry, frequently without apparent cause? * escalate his/her anger into violence - slapping kicking, etc.? * physically force you to do what you do not want to do? * make you feel that it is you that is crazy? * make you perform acts that are demeaning to you? * make you feel ashamed a lot of the time? * blame you for the violence or angry outbursts - minimize the harm inflicted on you or not feel remorse? * make you believe he/she is smarter than you and therefore, more able to make decisions? * use intimidation to make you do what he/she wants? * make you feel that there is no way out and that ”you made your bed and must lie in it”? * make you find ways of compromising your feelings for the sake of peace? * treat you roughly - grab, pinch, push or shove you? * threaten you - verbally or with a weapon? * withhold approval, sex, affection to punish you? * throw things at or near you? * get irrationally jealous or harass you about imagined affairs? * lock you out of the house or inside the house? * abandon you in strange places? * destroy personal and treasured belongings? * threaten to physically harm you, your children, your family and/or the family pet or threaten suicide? * leave weapons laying around for the purpose of intimidating you? * threaten that if you leave you will be penniless? * threaten that he/she will tell authorities you are a bad mother and take the children from you? * threaten to tell people in your congregation that you are crazy and that they will believe him?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2005): I totally sympathise with you as i have been in the same situation and the relationship did'nt work. i think that no matter what you say or do this man will never be any different. it's a form of control, he wants you to cut yourself off from everyone and even if you did he would find something else to be paranoid about , you said it yourself its a form of obsession . The best thing you can do is to get out of this relationship before you let this man drag you down.
...............................
|
