A
female
age
51-59,
*u45
writes:I'm not sure if this behaivour is normal or not?I am 45 and my partner is 55. we have been together for two and a half years. We are passionately in love but recently cancelled our wedding.The first thing my partner does every morning is download the latest topless models from a newspaper website, he often goes through these several times a day. The vast majority of programmes he watches on the television are either soft porn or sexually explicit programmes or films. Just about wherever he is is checking out other women and will seat himself next to an attrcative woman, wherever he can. He likes to go on holiday to a place mainly full of teenagers/young adults in the party scene. His mood changes completely around women to one of excitment and happiness.He is fascinated by "prostitutes, tarts and tits." He only really enjoys sex if I look and act like a porn star.I know he loves me, he spoils me with loving attention, gifts, holidays etc and tells me he loves me constantly. he has been a fantastic provider.I am increasingly feeling inadequate. Although he calls me his "trophy bird" and tells me how beautiful he finds me every day, I cant help but compare myself to these 18-24 year olds that it seems he likes a bit too much. I keep myself fit and attractive and will do whatever he wants in bed, although I have declined a threesome. He rarely touches me, but lays still and lets me do all the work (like a prostitute)and afterwards he tells me while we briefly cuddle how fantastic I was, and I am all he desires in one woman.He has erectile problems, is a drinker (10-15 units a day) and smokes 15 a day, he is overweight and has had a heart attack and never exercises. He spends hours playing games on his phone and looks depressed, but can change and be the funniest showman ever, usually when he has a female audienceHe has a history of multiple cheating and lying, and has been in a brothel where he says he did nothing, and swears he loves me and is faithful now (although 2 years ago...I caught him texting another woman he had met on a business trip. i don't doubt his love for me, but this amount of interest in other women seems excessive to me. I have talked to him about it but he became very defensive and nasty.I am a 45 year old specialist nurse,with several degrees and have never cheated in any relationship. He is a 55 year old salesman, whose only friends have simimilar behaivours.Is his interest normal and does this make him more likely to cheat?Thank you...lu x
View related questions:
depressed, on holiday, overweight, porn, prostitute, smokes, text, threesome, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): I think you know the answer here. No, nothing you described is normal in any sense of the word. Yes, he's almost certainly cheated on you and will continue to do so.He's a womanizer. He's in terrible shape. He has every bad habit imaginable. He makes no effort to take care of himself, let alone improve himself. He's a terrible lover, when he's able to get it up. He's (probably) cheating on you.You are smart, educated, fit, attractive, you have a good job...why are you still with him? You deserve better than this. He treats you like a prostitute! Not only in the bedroom, where he's only interested if you look and act like one, but also outside of it, where essentially he's a sugar daddy. I'm sorry, but that's basically what you described.The only positive thing to say about him is that he's a fantastic provider. He's providing for you in exchange for sex. Prostitution-like sex. Is that what you want? Based on the fact that you're here asking this question, I don't think it is.Think about whatever it is that you do want. It's out there for you! You can have your choice of men of just about any age. You're a great catch. Why are you staying with this guy? You deserve better than this and you know it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): I'm sorry but he sounds like a creep and pretty perverted. Why on earth did you consider marrying him? No, his behaviour is not normal. In fact, it's completely disrespectful to you and the woman he's ogling.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): I don't agree with porn at all really, I'd drop the guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (20 January 2014):
Wow, just wow...
I am normally on the front lines defending availability of porn, and often tell people that they should learn to live with their partners porn viewing.
However, this goes way beyond someone looking at porn a few times a week to even daily.
So what you're saying is that you're with a drinking, smoking, fat loser who ignores you for younger female attention at every available opportunity, has proven that he can't keep it in his pants if some young tart batts her eyelashes his way, and watches erotic material all day?
Let me guess... He's rich?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): His interest in younger women, porn and smut does not make him the ideal partner by a long chalk. I wonder what your relationships have been like prior to this one. Have you known men who just concentrate on you? OK he seems generous in many ways but by making you feel uncomfortable, he's being selfish. And he's not a good lover for all his sexual thoughts. Will he cheat given the opportunity? As he has functional problems in that department I suspect not, he's all bravado. But don't accept this anyway. Lay down a few ground rules, he should respect you and not subject you to inappropriate pictures, chat or anything else that you feel uncomfortable about.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (20 January 2014):
 It's not normal and more importantly it seems part of a pattern of sexual thrill-seeking and infidelity that I do not think you or any woman will be able to break.
I'm sure he didn't go straight to sex behind the backs of the other women he "multiple" cheated on either. I'm willing to bet that while these women were new and exciting to him they too were able to hold his interest. As he grew used to them, maybe even bored with them, he started seeking out new female attention to feed off. That's pretty clearly what he thrives on. And there's a good chance it did start with "harmless" texting and escalate from there.
Unfortunately you've found yourself a man who has both a perpetual wandering eye AND a job that allows him opportunities to indulge his impulses. He's a salesman and travels for work? That gives him the perfect excuse to cozy up to women he knows you will never cross paths with because they live far away. He did it to his past partners and he surrounds himself with friends who behave similarly... both of which should be huge red flags to you that you're next up for more of the same if he hasn't cheated already. I guarantee you he is not going out to brothels with "the boys" and being the only one who respects women and doesn't partake.
Please do not take this as any insult to your desirability or your value as a woman. The problem here isn't you; it's definitely him. The common denominator in all his past infidelity is him. I literally think this guy could be dating one of the plastic 18-year-old porn stars over which he openly salivates and he would cheat on her too. What he thrives on isn't having one lovely partner - it's the constant thrill of attention from new and different women. Put simply, he is not cut out for monogamy, no matter how great a catch you may be for him.
There are many women who turn a blind eye to the sexual transgressions of their wealthy male partners because they don't want to jeopardize the lifestyles they enjoy. I personally would not find such a trade-off to be worthwhile, but that's basically the choice you have here: stay with this guy knowing he's a pervert and a pig but also a good provider, or decide your self-respect transcends any monetary perks of being with him and leave. (In your shoes, I'd leave. You can do better.) Expecting him to change at this point is not realistic.
Good luck and best wishes, whatever you choose :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2014):
 Nothing you have mentioned about this guy makes me think I would TOUCH him with a ten foot pole let alone date or *shudder* marry him.
Why settle for a man who is OBVIOUSLY settling for you because he not longer can pick up the REALLY young women he so obviously LUST after?
And then He watches all this porn yet have ED problems and he only seems to enjoy it if you FAKE it like a porn star? I don't get this at all.
You sounds like a smart and educated woman, but WHY don't you want MORE for yourself (in a relationship)? Why are you putting UP with this crap? Are you that scared of being alone?
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 January 2014):
 Is his interest normal...no, it's more obsessional and excessive than normal.
Will this lead him to cheat? Well seems he' s flirt and wouldn't say no should the opportunity arise, but from how you describe him, I am not sure many women would find him that attractive, so he's more likely to letch and leer over women rather than having a direct opportunity to cheat.
You caught him texting another women...that must be pretty safe for him. He gets to flirt and have attention but never has to actually meet the other person (who'd probably walk away if she knew how he really is)
You say you love him...fair enough. If you love someone enough to want to marry them, knowing they have all these flaws and undesirable behaviours then really what else is there to say?
If you are not happy then say something to him but at 55 is he really going to change his ways?...I doubt it.
I am an avocate for leaving relationships where you are not happy but not everyone is, you are just another of those dear ladies in a relationship with a less than perfect man...except yours is a bit more extreme in his objectification and desecration of women.
He is what he is, most would see him as vile and unsavory, but you love him. If he cheats on you then you can decide if you want to continue then.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): It is a shame you think so little of yourself to put up with this abusive selfish and twisted behaviour. You 'trade off' his behaviour for gifts? Yet this makes you feel empty. He has cheated on others and is unhealthy. You are a nurse and know better. Imagine life with a bloke that does not behave likehim. That can easily be a reality.
...............................
|
