A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok- I am posting for my best friend because it is an issue she is struggling with and came to me for help/to talk. I'm not sure exactly what to tell her.She is engaged and living with her fiance. They are in an open relationship and have been together about a year and a half. They met in AA and have many friends in common, he is a great guy, etc. One of their open relationship rules is that they cannot date other people from AA. Her fiance confided in her a couple weeks ago that a female friend of his from AA said she had feelings for him and wanted to be with him. He explained he was engaged but in an open relationship. She basically said that is stupid and he should be with her. They have apparently continued to chat/be flirty and its making my friend very uncomfortable. He also gives this girl rides home from their meeting once a week, where is very flirtatious because they are alone.My friend has confided to him that she is uncomfortable with this but doesn't want to appear controlling- (ex- telling him he has to stop talking to her). She got very upset again last night because she came home from work and he was talking with her on the phone and they were texting until very late. They apparently got into a fight about it.She trusts that he wouldn't sleep with her but feels he enjoys this attention and thinks this girl is just causing drama. She hasn't met this girl and none of their other mutual friends know her either. I've suggested that he tell her that his fiance is not ok with their relationship and they should only hang out in a group. My friend has always been bisexual/polyamorous and so she doesn't want to become monogamous with him. I've suggested they either try it, or change their rules and see what happens. I don't think she's budging on either of those. I'm just not sure what to tell her because she is still very upset.Any suggestions would be very appreciated.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 January 2014):
 I would consider their acquaintance a violation of the spirit of the law, but not sure whether it's a violation of the wording. That depends on how they define 'dating'.
If, for example, her boyfriend has a one night stand and his subsequent contact with that person is limited to exchanging pleasantries and the occasional ride home then technically he hasn't broken the rules since he didn't actually DATE the woman. If on the other hand his conversations with her are strictly platonic and they don't see each other outside of AA then, again, they're not DATING.
This raises another question. Does their agreement extend to ALL AA chapters everywhere or just the one they met at? If they haven't clarified this, then they should. There would be nothing to stop the other woman from joining another chapter and continuing or even escalating their liaison.
The purpose of transparency is to assure both parties that there are no threats and/or to make possible threats visible. and easier to deal with. The boyfriend's 'friendship' is clearly a threat, yet he has refused to deal with it effectively. That would raise a red flag in my mind. The other woman has an agenda and he is not keeping her at bay. He would rather upset his girlfriend than disappoint the other woman or himself.
Another question I have, and it's rhetorical really, is if this openness includes other men or is it limited to engaging with other women? You said your friend has always been bisexual which leads me to believe this arrangement only allows either of them to play with other women and if so i think your friend is selling herself short.
I don't mean she should go out and pick up other men, but there is a big difference between being able to and choosing not to and agreeing to not be allowed to. If this is women only then your friend's boyfriend is getting all of what he wants and none of what he doesn't, while your friend is getting some of what she wants and some of what she doesn't.
I'm assuming the boyfriend is not bisexual so your friend doesn't have to worry about another man. The boyfriend knows it is unlikely she will leave him for another woman, but she might one day leave him for another man. If she agrees not to play with any then he enjoys greater security in this relationship than she does.
This imbalance creates uncertainty and breeds suspicion and resentment.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (24 January 2014):
If no one from the AA knows of the girl than I don't see it as part of breaking the rules. The point of the rule is so that there is no drama amongst friends and as you have stated, no one knows this girl.
This girl wants the guy from himself, and she is willing to go the extra mile. But all of this should not be a problem as it is an open relationship. The only real advice I can give, is to keep your distance with their problems at a reasonable length else you will be caught up in it. Their problems already sound complicated.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 January 2014):
 when you are in an open relationship you must define cheating a bit differently than when in a "standard" relationship.
He's cheating on her if he's not telling her stuff that is going on.
she is jealous and insecure for a very good reason.. sex means NOTHING when you are in an open relationship and these two have an emotional connection that threatens her relationship because she is the one that wants an open relationship and this woman is offering him the security of a one on one situation.
My last marriage broke up because we were in an open marriage. While I miss girl play as a bisexual woman, if I want to have partners outside of my marriage I have to permit my husband the same thing. I am no longer willing to share my man, therefore I have given up my girl time...
She made her choice.. now she must live with the consequences.
I suggest you stay out of it but be an ear to listen to her as she figures out how to process the slow painful death of this relationship.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (24 January 2014):
 Reading your post, it sounds like your friend wants her own (sexual) freedom but gets jealous when her partner exercises his. I don't think the AA part is the issue here; it sounds like your friend is jealous of her partner getting close to another woman. I'd be very surprised if this is due ONLY to where and how he met the woman. More likely your friend is using that part as an excuse.
You're right, if your friend doesn't wish to share him then she should not be expecting him to share her. She won't win any arguments with him by applying one standard to him and another to herself. IF she wants to open the relationship so that she is free to sleep with others, she has to be aware that consequently her partner is within his rights to do the same.
If she is unwilling to consider monogamy, then my suggestion is that she find a new partner who doesn't mind (and will adhere to) her double standards.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 January 2014):
 Sometimes, it's OK to just keep quiet..... even if you HAVE been asked for your opinion....
Good luck....
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