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female
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*onfusedOverHere
writes: Hello,I am currently in a long term relationship, and although I love my boyfriend very much, there seems to be a lot of stress involved. He can very difficult to deal with sometimes, and I can't figure out whether he has signs of an abusive personality, or am I just exaggerating things? First of all, I would say that he doesn't because 1) he encourages me to spend time with friends and family, and says this is important to be a healthy person. 2)He says we should maintain healthy, separate interests (friends being part of that) and hobbies, etc. 3)He encourages me to do well in school, to pursue my degree and to become strong and independent..these are good things right? But, here are the two things that I can't get over. He doesn't care if I go out or where I go BUT he insists that I check in with him, call him and tell him where I'm going, I always have to call him from my home phone if I say I'm going home otherwise he won't believe me. And two, when he gets angry (99 percent of the time because I forgot to call him) he can be incredibly vulgar, not yelling really just saying such ugly names and I can't bear this. I've asked him to stop, the checking I can deal with (maybe) on the condition he doesn't swear at me when he's angry..it really bothers me...he's a very caring person but somewhat possessive and the language thing, can you give me some advice on what to do in this situation? I have no intention of leaving him at all... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ConfusedOverHere +, writes (19 March 2006):
ConfusedOverHere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your help, I'll update if things get better
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (18 March 2006):
 Sweetie
I think this is a problem that both of you may need to face up to. Please, if you want to save this relationship then go get some professional help. I think relationship counselling may help you both see that your different backgrounds and life experiences may be leading to conflicting behaviour that neither of you can deal with appropriately as you simply dont know how to.
Please get some help. There is no shame in it and a trained therapist can help you to *fix* things so you are both happy.x
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female
reader, ConfusedOverHere +, writes (16 March 2006):
ConfusedOverHere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh...it's also so gray..things are never black and white and clear cut, you know? I am worried, but I had a long discussion with him and tried to get him to understand how I feel about his language. Well, I come from a conservative christian family, so no I didn't grow up around swearing.Here are the confusing points:the positive half, or semi positive: We've been dating for two years, and no he's never laid a hand on me, we do share a lot of laughs too..and similar goalsThe negative: He said he was cheated on before, and would that be a factor in the problems with me not checking in? Trust issues? I often have this worry inside you know, it's possible that I could be paranoid because I work in a low income center with a lot of domestic v. casesCould the problem be partly me? I'll admit, i'm not so trusting myself, I absolutely will NOT allow him to have female friends, I've been hurt before too. (My ex had a female friend and oops, look how that turned out) Also, if he dresses up nice before he leaves I worry...once or twice I went to his work to make sure he was there...maybe it's me, or him, or both. Does anybody suggest relationship counselling? Thank you so much for all your help, my internal red flags are torturing me
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2006): I've said this before to another poster (who came back and said it was spot on) but I'll say it again.
Google "narcissistic personality". Your boy is showing classic signs and it helps you to be aware of other personality traits to lookout for.
Good luck, you will need it.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Ask yourself at what point does verbal abuse and overcontrolling behaviour -- that's what you're involved in -- become something you won't tolerate?
Does he have to blacken your eyes? Cut you? Kick you into unconsciousness?
Believe me, dear, I took 7 years to get out of a verbally- then physically-abusive relationship, and this is where you're headed.
Why does he think you have to "check with" him? (read: ask his permission). It's because he actually believes that you're "his", that you belong to (not with) him, and that you're over the line if you try to do something without his permission.
This "ownership" attitude doesn't fade with time. He'll never get over it and start trusting you. What actually happens is he gets worse, less trusting, more secretive, more accusatory... until eventually you stop doing ANYTHING, simply because it's too much trouble.
Is that the life you want? Please say it's not.
What you are in is a spiralling vortex that leads to physical hurt. This man is a bomb, and you're way too close.
Open up your mind and think about what the future is going to be, if it's this hideous already. Imagine having to ask permission to see a girlfriend for lunch. What if he denies it? Will you go anyway and risk the consequences? What happens when he starts accusing you of dressing like a "whore"? Will you meekly accept that you have to wear whatever he deems acceptable?
These aren't idle thoughts, hon. This is a predictable pattern of control by abusive men. And he is one.
Please start thinking about getting out.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (13 March 2006):
His encouraging you to *do your own thing* is a sign of a healthy non-threatened or jealous individual who gives the appearance of wanting the best for you. The checking in could be construed as his wanting to know that you are safe.
BUT,
I think there may be some deeper underlying psychological issues with this guy, insomuch that he abuses you verbally if you forget to ring or get in contact.
Now one of two things could be going on here, and to analyse them you need to be a bit more forthcoming. How is he vebally abusing you and do you think you maybe over-reacting to what he is saying? Are you from a family were no form of bad language was tolerated? He may be from a family were this sort of language is the everyday norm, so you may have to try to talk to him about it.
Let me know what you mean by verbally abusing, so we can try to look deepr at this problem.x
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A
female
reader, sexseahot  +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Have you talked to him about his anger? If not, you should talk to him about this and say exactly what you said here to him. If he gets mad about you forgetting to call him, then maybe you should make it a point to call him every time your supposed to, especially if you don't mind doing this and want to stay with him.
If you think he's going to be abusive then, why stay with him? You could most likely find someone better than him. It is nice though that he lets you have your own life away from his. There are some relationships that don't have this priviledge. Decide what you want to do, if you want to put up with him or not. You DON'T have to, but if you want to, that's all up to you.
Just don't let him call you names the way he does, you can definitely do better than that.
Good Luck!
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