A
male
age
30-35,
*Nick
writes:Hey all! So recently I've been dating this girl (21 years old) with next to no serious, romantic relationship experience. In her words, she's never been even close to having one.I've been trying to respect her embarrassment over how awkward she can get about relationships, and haven't tried to make any moves on her, instead focusing on having quality time. At the end of our 2nd date, I offered her my hand, and she sheepishly shook it, later admitting she wasn't sure what I wanted her to do.So at the end of our most recent date, which started with breakfast, and ended well after dark because of how much we were enjoying it, I again offered her my hand, and more explicitly told her I wanted to hold her hand, and she hesitantly obliged. I told her so far I like her and that I've really enjoyed our time together. I asked her what she thought of our time together, and if she wanted to continue seeing me on these terms (Which are casual, non exclusive, but with the understanding that I'm seeking a long term, stable relationship).I was mostly just trying to flesh out if she saw the potential I did, and whether it was worth me continuing to put energy and effort into pursuing her romantically.She more or less started panicking and went into this borderline rant about how it takes her forever to make her mind up about these things, and she knows she gets awkward, and she's not ready for an exclusive relationship yet and that the physical distance paired with how busy she'll be in the upcoming semester, she doesn't know how it'll work.I refocused her to my original question, where she kind of brought it around and said she does see a lot of potential, she just gets awkward and is trying to figure out how she really feels, but that she has really enjoyed our time together so far, and wants to keep seeing me as we are. However, she again brought up how worried she is about the distance and time.A) I don't understand why she's worried about the distance, or at the very least why she's letting it make it hard for her to objectively assess the time we've spent together so far. I know she hates driving, and so I've been the one driving out to her, but it's only 30 miles. It hasn't actively been an issue yet, so I don't know why she's making it one.Same goes for the time. I'm 22 and going for my doctorate right now; during the semester I won't exactly have a ton of time to dedicate exclusively to her, but I value quality of time over quantity of time, so it's a nonissue to me.B) It really bothers me when people use their fears as an excuse to hold them back, and I really feel like she's holding back.C) The hand holding was the most awkward hand hold I've experienced since middle school. She was so on edge the whole time.In your guys experience, is her lack of experience going to be an issue down the line? I told her as long as she's honest about her feelings I don't care what happens... And I think she's getting her to warm up. I'm just not sure about the course of this whole relationship, because it's so different from anything I've even experienced. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2016): How many dates have you been on with her and how long have you known her?You say she doesn't like driving so that indicated that she is a nervous person anyway. I think she probably has self-esteem issues and the fact that she hasn't really had a relationship at her age she probably feels incredibly nervous and self concious.If you like her a lot and love spending time with her don't rush her on this. Maybe try and make her feel good about herself, send her texts each morning when you wake, I love it when a guy does that, it makes me feel like I'm the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up.Maybe something bad has happened to her in the past with a man and that's why she is nervous around men.Are you the type of man who is willing to wait while she gets some confidence back? If you're not in a rush to meet other women right now then put a time limit on this. If she doesn't start being a bit warmer in maybe six months time see how you feel about it all then.She may just need some time to get comfortable with you but if it doesn't change after a certain amount of time you can decide what you want then. Are you in a rush to be in a serious relationship or are you willing to wait a bit?
A
female
reader, Sarah2020 +, writes (10 January 2016):
The girl us just shy don't judge her stay and she will get used to you
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 January 2016):
 YOU need to relax and try and read her.
IF holding hands is awkward for her, WHY force the issue? It's ONLY the second date!
Same goes for to get her to DTR (define the relationship) - it's the SECOND date!
Just GO slow with her. She has told you she takes a while to warm up to a person, but she has also brought up to other issues and I think they may not bother YOU... however they BOTHER her. The distance and her upcoming workload.
I'd go on a couple more dates and try and "read" her instead of "interrogating" her.
If she is hesitant about another date, maybe those two reasons (distance and workload) is HER way of letting you down easy or tell you (without saying it outright) that she isn't as into you as you are into her.
She may not be a good match for you - which might be why things feel so awkward. Maybe she is just a little TOO inexperienced to be with someone like you, who seem to like things on a schedule.
And maybe things are awkward not just because the inexperience, but because she isn't into you. Which can be hard to tell after ONLY.... 2 dates.
...............................
|
