A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts, a dilemma has been haunting my life since 3 years. A guy I was on/off with For 3 years has re-entered my life after he asked me to never contact him again In June. he wasn't being available and consistent so I burst and freaked out one day and we had a fight and no contact for 5 months. Btw that's not the first time he does that, we hv been through many similar fights followed by NC for few months. My problem is that I love him a lot and can't take him out of my mind. Story short he re initiated contact 2 months bk commenting on my pics and sending lame texts to which j never replied then he escalated his contact and started texting a lot and saying he misses me and he wants to hug me and he's worried about me. As stupid as I might be I gave in yesterday and said I miss u too sweetheart. So he wrote back: sweety as much as i miss u but we should not talk like this. Ur a special dear friend. I replied laughing saying: ur the one in touch and all lovey dovey I simply replied to one text. Please aunts tell me is this guy psycho of he's framing the friendship on his own terms? Plz help . A guy's advice is highly appreciated as well.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 January 2016):
 I so agree with Auntie Cindy!
Girlfriend or no GF, he still didn't take you serious in the 3 years you two were on/off so why should he now?
YOU are wasting your time, emotions, effort and affection on a guy who really don't... give a fly's fart. Whether he has a GF or not doesn't change that fact that he doesn't love you or treat you right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u so much dear aunts , ur answers hv made me see things differently. I blocked this disrespectful man from my life and all attempts to get in touch will go unanswered. Thank u
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 I am hesitant to answer your question, because I think you won' t make a good use of the answer:)
Because, logically, the answer should be " Yes, that's a possibility too "- I mean, why should he necessarily be single ? we do not know, but of course he might have somebody- and you are going to take this answer and run miles with it, making all the wrong inferences.
I BET you are thinking : " Oh yes ! I see now, that's why he is so standoffish. Because he has a gf. But... gfs often do not last forever... he may become single again, and.... "
And nothing. Stop right there. Don't go thinking that the only reason why he acts emotionally distant is out of respect for his ( presumed ) gf. And that if it weren't for this ( presumed ) girl, he would be with you.
He would not. He was single even before , in the 3 years since you meet him. But he never took you seriously regardless, single or not. He never showed any hint of wanting you for other than abit of on and off dalliance. He never treated you with respect or compassion. He banned you unilaterally from his life ....only to break the no contact when it suited HIM and HIS interest.
He's just not that into you - make peace with this concept, and stop letting him jerk you around emotionally.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 You are not listening - or not understanding the answers given to you so far. Whether he has a girlfriend or not is immaterial.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2016): Thank u dear aunts for ur amazing advices. I hv one last question, can his answer mean that he's keeping his limits because he has a gf?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 January 2016):
Yes he is framing this thing ( ... not really a friendship ) in his own terms. Which is not surprising, because your relationship is not on an even keel and he knows it perfectly. That's why by his message he sort of put you back into your proper place. I.e. you are in love with him ( and he knows it ) , he is not in love with you. So, in his mind, he can be affectionate and tender verbally, because this means " friendship" ( pfui : it means a big ego that likes to be stroked ), but when you do it,then it means " I am in love with you " and oh no, he does not want to hear that.
From his point of view it makes sense, and it would also make perfect sense if he was a REAL platonic friend, who cares deeply about you but does not want to string you along. ( We have seen, though, that his actions are not at all those of a good friend who cares . He is in this for what HE can get out of you , emotionally and sexually, at his convenince ).
What does not make a lot of sense is your role in this story- why do you allow him to push you around emotionally ? Why do you give him the upper hand , fully knowing there's nothing in this for you ? :.. Just block him already !, refuse any kind of contact, and go on with your life. It may be hard at the beginning, but it's like pulling off a band-aid : you've got to do it all at once, neat and fast. It takes a bit of courage, because there's an initial big Ouch !- but then, you are free. Much better than keeping pulling away slowly, painfully and partially, one millimeter at the time. You never see the end of it , and it keeps hurting a bit less but for muuuch longer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 January 2016):
Is he a psycho?
I'm not a psychiatrist, and cannot diagnose him.
BUT he DOES like to play games on HIS terms. You are a his gap-stop (someone he will be with when he HAS no one else to date/sleep with) and as soon as YOU want to make demands, he get mad, goes NC, "vanish" to try and "teach" you to DO AS HE says/want.
HE doesn't love you, honey. NOT one bit. You are just occasionally convenient to sleep with, hang out with, talk to.
HE knows that you "think" you are in love with him and thus you are VERY easy to manipulate. Why do I say that? Because he has done it several times and you still claim to "love" him.
He is not as caring, interesting or loving as you may think. He likes to play with your feelings ( and possible the feelings of other women too).
Why do YOU, dear OP keep putting yourself through this drama-llama's treatment of you? When is enough enough?
You CAN take him out of your mind, if you CHOOSE to. I think is one way or another... YOU get something out of this on/off whatever it is. And until you figure out what you actually get out of it and what you REALLY want from a relationship, you will be stuck in this ridiculous circle of insanity with this guy.
I mean seriously, OP what kind of future do you think you have with him? None. So why are you wasting your time?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2016): Yeah, the latter of what you said is what's going on. "He's framing the relationship on his terms." He's testing the waters to see if you would respond and how you would respond. See where he stands. You responded you missed him as well, so now he knows you are still available and missing him. That's all he wanted to know. He was looking for an ego stroke. Now he knows he doesn't have to put much effort into you. You love and miss him simply because he exists. Next time either do not respond or if you do, keep things casual. Don't tell him you miss him and love him. Just say, "oh hey what's up." And stay busy and keep him waiting. Don't take him seriously. Until he proves to you through actions, not just texts and words, that he can be taken seriously.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (10 January 2016):
You are 50 per cent of this relationship. If you are happy to play emotional ping pong then carry on. If however you think you have had a craw full of the on/off thing then kick him into the long grass and find someone more stable.
However I have to say you don't sound in control of this situation. It sounds as if you are supposed to be there at his whim.
Surely there could be someone better for you? Or do you enjoy the roller coaster?
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