A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a simple question, but it might have a complex answer...My girlfriend and I have been dating 2 years.Recently, we were talking casually about marriage. Not about us getting married, just the topic in general.She said "You know, right now, I don't know that I can see myself married, even in the future. Like, even if I think a couple years down the road, I still don't see it. I mean, this could change, and it's not that I'm against marriage, I just don't see it being what I truly want anytime soon."She is only 20 years old, which I'm sure is part of the problem here. She's still relatively young and maybe thinking that far ahead is hard for her.But I also know that I myself do definitely want to be married, and I can certainly see myself married to her, and I can see a long-term future as a possibility, and it's also what I really want to happen for us. Previously, early on in our relationship during the "Honeymoon" period, she had talked about being married to me someday. As school got more intense, she stopped talking that way, and actually seemd afraid that I still wanted marriage someday. I told her I was perfectly fine with waiting till she's graduated and stable before we consider it, but now that she's saying she doesn't even know if she sees herself married even after all of that, is kind of freaking me out a bit.Do I have any reason to worry? Or is this just normal girl emotions all over the place stuff? The uncertainty her comment introduced is probably why I'm having any trouble at all. For her to say "I might change, but I might not" makes me feel like I'm taking a huge risk, that I might stay with her for years and years, and she still won't want to get married, and then I'll feel like I've wasted time.It doesn't help that my sister is in this exact situation. Her boyfriend of (ready for this) 25 years (!) still gives her the line about not being ready to marry. By now she's invested so much of her life in him that she can't just leave him, but she wants to be married and he still says he doesn't. So I'm sure that part of my problem is comparing this situation to my sister's and not wanting to end up in the same predicament 10 years down the road...What do you guys think?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 She's too young to be married, that's what's going on here. When her friends get married at 25-30 she'll probably want marriage as well. Or maybe not. The question is rather, are you willing to wait and see, and in that case: how long are you willing to wait?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 April 2013):
 When I met my husband he was 37 and never married. I had been married 3 times already and I was as done with marriage as I ever wanted to be. My friends even have a recording of me saying "I'm never ever EVER getting married again"
did you note that I called him my husband?
anyway when we met he swore up and down right and left in and out that marriage was stupid, he never saw a need to get married, he didn't want to get married. yada yada yada...
FINE with me...
we got closer... didn't talk about marriage but talked about moving in (it necessitated him moving to my state so it was a serious decision) I would have been fine just living together....
after a while, he realized he wanted to marry ME (it was all of a sudden NOT a GENERIC idea but rather it was specific to ME) and I agreed to it... while I was happy being with him an just living with him (we will NOT be having children) he felt the need ALL OF A SUDDEN that marriage was the right idea. WE still to this day say it was a business deal not a love match...
My point OP is going to be a bit upsetting for you and it may be her age that causes these feelings of not wanting to be married right now, but it may be that she does not see herself being married because she's with you.
My husband's one and only serious gf before me left him because he would not say "I love you" and he told me "I NEVER say it" well not true.. he RARELY says it... but he says it.
The point is he didn't say it till he felt it, and he didn't get married till he found someone he really wanted to marry. He was 39.
Our dear friends got married last year just before us... she was a 40 year old first time bride and he was a 52 year old first time groom... they are blissfully happy....
I truly believe that folks who say they don't believe in marriage, feel that way because they have never met someone they wanted to be with so deeply and so permanently that they could not imagine NOT marrying them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2013):
 When I was her age I was pretty sure that I would NEVER have kids, nor marry.However 20 years later, here I am with 3 kids and a 15 year marriage .
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (18 April 2013):
 I agree that she is young. How are the other aspects of your relationship? Are you good friends? Is the relationship stable, providing growth for both of you?
At some point, not sure of the timing, you will both have to be in the same place. If she clings to the "no marriage for me" feeling or the relationship begins to go backwards, then it is time for introspection for both of you as to what you want in the relationship.
Sometimes it's fear or being too busy to focus on that right now. Timing IS everything.
Two years, age 20, timing just not right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): This sounds exactly like my relationship about 6-7 years ago- but in reverse.
I knew pretty much knew from the moment I met my boyfriend that I wanted to marry him. But he made it very clear he didn't really care for marriage and he couldn't see the point in it.
We were together four years before he FINALLY popped the question and we got married 2 weeks ago nearly nine years after we met.
So patience is the answer here. The last thing you want to do is push the subject because you will either scare her away or push her into marriage when she isn't 100% sure and you don't want that in the back of your mind for the whole of your marriage.
She just sounds young and happy with where your relationship is right now. People opinions change in time. What more can you ask for?
Good Luck x
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