A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend told me he sees a future with me, but he is scarred of marriage and is still sorting out things in his life and does not want to get married when things are not where he wants it to be.Now he called to tell me he is going to buy gifts for my dad and wants to get to know my dad even better. He already knows my dad.My question is if he knows he is not going to marry me as he says then why is he going all out for my dad and why does he want to spend two valentine days with me for saturday and sunday?Do you think he wants to be with me or is waiting to see if something better comes along?We are both 30 years old and have been together for over two years. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2016): Look at his actions (and that's the only thing that counts) he seems to be devoted to you.Another thing, he takes marriage seriously. That's refreshing.There are guys who always wait for something better to come along and have no problem marrying someone while they wait. Enjoy what you have. Marriage is no guarantee. No piece of paper will save a relationship that is doomed.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 Why cant you just believe what he tells you. He says he sees a future with you. He is a bit scared off marriage at the moment, but that is totally fine. You have only been together two years so there is no rush at all on either of you. You seem to doubt the relationship, does he give you doubts? Or would you say you are insecure? You need to ask yourself why you have doubts that he and you are not 100% solid.
It is great that he wants to get to know your dad even better than he does now, it shows that he is making a great effort with him. This is a great step forward. Does it mean he is about to propose? Not necessarily but it means things are on a good track.
Did he actually tell you he is not going to marry you? Or did he say he is not going to marry you yet? There is a big difference here. If he wants to wait that is perfectly normal, but you seem to think he never wants to marry you. Did he say that or is it you thinking that?
I think it is great he wants to spend the weekend with you, you are his girlfriend after all. Am not sure why you have to question his reason spending the weekend together. Surely if you are in a relationship you spend quality time together. So I don't see why it is strange spending the weekend together? Are you getting what you want out of this relationship do you think?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 What about something in between, - he wants to be with you ( he IS with you since the last 2 years ) but he does not want to get married ? Not for a gooood while , at least ?
Not that everybody must get married at 30, but his statements, at least as you report them, are a bit vague and hazy .
What does it mean , he is still sorting things out in his life ? Which things ? Practical things, emotional things ?
Like, I don't know, I can understand someone who'd say- "I dropped out of college but now I want to finish my education before thinking of marriage ". Fine. College- 4 years. " I am in therapy for depression, I should first finish my therapy then think of marriage " OK. Unless he is Woody Allen ( 52 years in therapy ) - there 's an indication at least of WHAT he wants to accomplish and a ball park time frame. " I want to buy myself a house first ". Or " visit Japan ", or "win the Olympics" ... anything, no matter how hard or easy or important or unimportant.
As long as there's a plan, a vision, something to accomplish, and an idea of how to accomplish it , in which steps, and within how much time more or less.
In lack of this , I think it's all fluff.
" Things are not where he wants it to be ". WHAT things ? World peace ? An end to global warming ? Hitting the jackpot ? ...Things will never be ALL where any of us wants them to be, we 'll never have 100% of our ducks in a row. Yet, people keep getting married, and making babies, amd living their life - and often, happily too.
So,if he has things to buy learn heal find change etc.etc. before he can think serenely of marriage, then fine . Otherwise, it's a stalling technique and he does not SERIOUSLY see you in his future, i.e. he sees you in his future,... unless things change ( which may also include a "better deal " in terms of relationship ).
Maybe I would trust this as a ( still very generic and unscientific, OK ) base to gauge how much he really means
" we have a future together " , rather than the " effort " that in your opinion he is doing.
He is doing nice,kind, surely appreciable gestures , but I would not exactly call them a big " effort " , considering you have been 2 years together.
It would maybe going all out if you had just met, but honestly I don't think that spending Valentine's weekend with your gf is such an " effort " . He is coming along too, right ? :) He is having a nice dinner as well, and drinks, and music, and sex and romance too...it's not something that he is forcing himself to do , I hope . Ditto for your father, if occasionally he wants to hang out with Dad, well, after two years it's sort of normal, not mandatory but not unusual either . And maybe your Dad is a cool guy so why spending time with him should be an effort more than a pleasure ?
But, anyway, at the end of the day, big effort or not , do you really think that your bf would think " oh no, now I can't ever leave her, I have invested too much in us, I even bought her father two bottles of whisky ! "
So- do not give too much weight to the efforts , as of now... and start instead comparing life visions, plans, and dreams , and see if they match.
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