A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have two small kids a baby and a 2 year old, lately it seems like we just talk bout the kids or house, I feel like I do everything with the kids on my own he works long hours but would never help at night and has even taken to sleeping on the sofa at night because my daughter isn't great at sleep,he has been saying lately that I make him feel unwanted and I'm always in bad mood, he has even suggested that I go see someone that maybe I have post natal depression but I'm just so tired all the time and never get anytime to myself, I'm starting to wonder if I would be better off on my own Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 I think it's time to call for reinforcements. Do you have your mother or other family members nearby who know how to take care of kids? Or maybe a cousin or something that can baby sit the 2 year old so at least you have one less child to mind and can catch a break.
Tell your husband, new rules. In the evening when he comes home, HE takes the children, and YOU go out or get some sleep. You take them all day and all night, you absolutely do need some time off to do something else. If he objects, suggest YOU start working full time and he stays at home, see how he enjoys it. A good test for this would be to go away for the weekend and leave him alone with the kids. In fact, DO IT. You need your time alone, one weekend alone without the kids isn't too much to ask for. He gets all day and all night every day of the weak without the kids, why shouldn't you be allowed to have a few hours?
I understand your frustration. If you were alone, at least you wouldn't be disappointed by his lack of contributing. You are feeling left down and disappointment on a daily basis, because you keep hoping he will take the kids off your hands when he comes home, but he doesn't.
If he doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation, you should tell him that you have been thinking about leaving, which is not a threat, but information about how far this has gone and that you are nearing the end of what you can bear. Your patience and strength is gone.
I think you should take him up on his offer to see someone though, to talk. If not for the sake of the treatment, then for the sake of having an excuse to leave the house.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 February 2016):
 No off course it wouldn't be better if you where on your own. It is a lot of stress at the moment. I can see why toy feel the way that you do. Having a baby and a toddler is hard work. They take over your life so off course them along with your home will take over most of the conversations as well.
You say you feel like you are doing everything yourself? Have you spoke to your partner about how you are feeling? I am aware you are raising your children, but you do mention that he is working long hours. In my eyes he is being a good dad going out and making money to support his family. I can understand at night he gets a break and you don't seem to. So maybe you should both come up with a rota so that he is helping out as well so that you both can have a break.
I can see why sleeping on the sofa has its appeal, if he needs to be up for work, then it is natural he wants his sleep. But this is not good for your relationship, being in separate rooms at night. Talk to each other. Tell him you miss spending quality time with him. Even if its just a hug in bed it would make a big difference.
He has said to you that you make him feel unwanted. Can you think to yourself why he would feel like this? Do you still love him? Do you still want him? I can see that you are being a good mom and that the kids come first, but there also needs to be time for your relationship or else it will just die. I highly recommend that you both have a date night at least once a week. Get a babysitter, go out, have a dinner, a night in by the fire. Whatever it is you both enjoy doing and talk about other things than the children and house. It can make the world of difference. Also I would recommend a girls night out every month or two. Even if it is to the spa, or a day shopping. Get your partner to look after the children, and focus on yourself. Be with friends, have fun and enjoy yourself. He mentioned you are always in a bad mood, do you feel like you have depression? If you do then I suggest going to the doctors to get a check up just to be sure. There are people out there who can help you if you are feeling down. You say you are always tired, so I think you need to start making more time for yourself as I have suggested and hopefully things will start to improve.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (11 February 2016):
Hi there,
No I don't think it would be better if you lived on your own. Taking care of two young children is difficult in itself, without you being a single parent and the primary caregiver.
I think you both are in a bad mood because of the stress of taking care of the children and probably work pressure, respectively. Maybe on his day off, you could ask him to do a little of the work and so you could sack out, relax and get some sleep? And you could do this on alternate weekends so that he gets a break too?
It's hard for both of you, but you both are in this together. Have a talk with him without resorting to accusing or yelling. Talk to him, listen to him and chalk out a routine that works best for both of you.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 He's not your husband, just a partner, so maybe that's why you would even think about being on your own. When people form a forever commitment, they work things out, and they would understand that a relationship doesn't fall apart because one person is tired and doesn't want sex. Most people have some degree of postnatal depression. Dads suffer from that too. If he's not sleeping well it's no surprise that he would be grumpy and pessimistic towards you. Many parents go through this, but the only ones who need help are those with suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of harming the baby. A postnatal specialist can not suggest any ideas on how to up your libido, or want sex when you just want to be alone. It's perfectly normal that at this time, it's all about the kids. On the outside it would look like you both are working hard for nothing. You are even too tired to enjoy affection. The only gratitude comes from your little ones. That they are growing properly and slowly exploring your world. That alone should make you go on with life. If your relationship is not strong enough anyways, kids can't make you stay together. If you don't love each other it would be better on your own, if only that's possible financial wise. It will be helpful if your parents can babysit the 2 year old. Every night you can think of something that's delightful, whether it's fine cuisine or a comedy. Nothing wrong with talking about the house and the kids. It's the tone of voice and the attitude. I would not expect him to help at night after working long hours. Just do the best you can then get enough rest. Don't worry about perfection.
...............................
|
