A
female
age
41-50,
*ady Confused
writes:I have been dating a younger man for approximately 6 months. He seems to be crazy about me and treats me like a queen around the house. His situation is as follows: he had a break-down approximately 1 year ago after he broke up with the mother of his kids. They were in a 6 year relationship. Since then he is unemployed but does odd jobs, has a broken down vehicle and lives with his parents along with is his 2 kids.I only really found out his situation 1 month into our relationship and what I learnt scared me but because of his loving and attentive nature towards me I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt - he will eventually progress and move forward. Please note that I have no kids and am a successful business woman.My problem is this: we have come to the agreement that if we have nights out, we would split all bills. We also agreed that if he felt the need to treat me he would pay and vise visa.I have noticed on numerous occasions (not all) that he would drop me with the bill and not say a single word about it. Many of those times I ended up paying not only for him but also for his kids and still he would not say a word about it. If he doesn't have any money for a night out, why can't he just be honest with me and tell me, then I will stay in with him but instead he orders the most expensive things and leaves me with the bill.When they stay over for weekends at my place which happens often, he will not contribute financially towards food or fuel. I had a talk with him on numerous occasions about splitting costs with me in order to help out especially with the kids but his just not hearing me and I know when he has money. The only time he will contribute is if I ask him but if I don't he won't step up, he will just leave me to fork out cash. He tells me on a regular basis that he has money and doesn't rely on his parents but I'm beginning to see him as a moocher.I have now grown tired of talking to him. I am angry and have no respect for him. I am thinking of breaking off the relationship.Is he using me or has he been spoilt by his parents to the extent where he has no sense of common decency? Please help, I am at the end of my rope.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): Good for you lady confused. I think you made the right decision. I agree that sometimes it is good to check other people's opinions to see if they match with your subjective opinion.
I feel angry for you just reading your post. He does need to learn to respect other people's money.
Don't look back...you made the right choice.
A
female
reader, Lady Confused +, writes (30 January 2012):
Lady Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All
Thank you for your help and insight. I broke off the relationship over the weekend but first I gave it to him loud and clear. This is the first time I find myself dealing with such a problem and the first time dating a younger man. Therefore I reached out to all of you for advice.
Sometimes when we find ourselves in a relationship and there is some kind of problem - sometimes it is difficult to see so clearly when you too close to the problem. Stepping back helps puts things into perspective.
As for the anonymous male reader, you might think I'm weak but I am far from it. Asking for help and advice is a sign of strength and we can all learn from each other. I take pride in myself, my life, my family, my work and my home. I treat people with respect, kindness and love. Please don't question the respect I have for myself. No one is perfect and we all find ourselves in sticky situations at some point in our lives and then we just have to deal with it.
To all the other readers - my ex is so remorseful and is now begging me not leave. He forked out money this weekend as if it was running from a tap. Sent roses and chocolates - same old, same old. Please note: he did not stay over the weekend. We had a prior arrangement which could not be cancelled, we had to attend it together.
I told him to sort his life out and in the process learn how to treat a woman. I am still very angry and therefor I need my space. He made all sorts of promises but I don't want to hear any of it because how do I trust him now? I can't believe in him after this. He knew exactly what he was doing and there are no amount of sorry's that will make this right.
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A
female
reader, Latti  +, writes (28 January 2012):
Girlfriend....It is...what it is! Yes, there is some freeloading going on! This is also a lack of knowing how to treat a women of your caliber. If you want to date younger men...be prepared to "Train" them to treat you the way you want to be treated! It sounds like he's use to being bailed out ( living with parents) & being a business woman...you will have to be straight forward with him in a good way. Ex: Honey, my budget is a little short tonight...can you take care of dinner? Or, Babe I had an unexpected bill to pay, so if you & the kids want to go out & eat tonight, its on you. Most people....will do what you allow them to do...to you. If he has good potential, treats you well, but needs some "Financial Management". Put your wallet away & teach him how to pull out his.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): "Many of those times I ended up paying not only for him but also for his kids and still he would not say a word about it."
If he said anything then you wouldn't pay.
"If he doesn't have any money for a night out, why can't he just be honest with me and tell me, then I will stay in with him but instead he orders the most expensive things and leaves me with the bill."
Because if he was honest, then he'd have to stay in so he couldn't order expensive items and stick you with the bill.
" . . . his just not hearing me and I know when he has money."
He's hearing you all right, just he's ignoring you so you can still pay even when you know he has money.
"I am angry and have no respect for him. I am thinking of breaking off the relationship."
Thinking of it?
Is he using me or has he been spoilt by his parents to the extent where he has no sense of common decency? Please help, I am at the end of my rope."
Must be tough on you, knowing there's nothing you can do to break his silence and offer to pay his share no matter what false promises he may have made before you left the house and it's never going to change as long as he sits there.
Do you have any respect for yourself? Do you have any common decency? He's not using you, no need to make the effort, can stick you with a check in total silence, speaking up would only cost him money, how can he do any less?
You're letting him walk all over you on your dime and all he has to do is appeal to your ego and vanity with sweet-talk and flattery.
What exactly what would you be losing if you dumped him? "He seems to be crazy about me and treats me like a queen around the house." And you have no respect for him?
He pays nothing and gets everything. You pay everything and get nothing. He has even less respect for you than you have for yourself.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 I agree he's not paying his fair share, and that is a red flag.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 January 2012):
 I'm in agreement that at this early stage in the relationship if he's not pulling his fair share in any way it's a big red flag... he's not pulling his weight financially.
You are resentful and angry and have no respect for him...
what do you think needs to change to make this work?
do you think it will change? me neither....
so your choices:
a. accept it where it is and continue to have to nag and ask for money from him which makes you angry
b. accept it where it is and know you will foot the bill
c. leave.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 January 2012):
 I don't see this relationship working out. You have very differing ideas on managing money; I don't blame you for feeling like a cash machine but you've been paying for things so he probably figures you may grumble a bit but will ante up if needed.
Why not take a break and you both can go back on the dating market. I'm sure there are many men who are fiscally responsible who would be happy to date you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 January 2012):
 Yes, he has decided that you can afford him a better lifestyle than he can afford right now.
You help stretch out his money and allow his children to enjoy the spoils too.
Try splitting the cost of every outing to 50:50. AND try asking him to contribute a little more than 50:50 when his children are there and see how long he stays with you.
And the cost of helping provide for his children will only become more as they age.
Be careful how you give him the bad news. I think in this instance I would favor a telephone call. Then make sure you mean it.
He is using you. Pretty easy to treat someone like a Princess when it is the money provided by the Princess that pays for the pampering.
He has done some sweet talking and wormed his way into your heart.
But his actions scream 'user' loud and clear.
It is mean and horrible to face that you have been keeping him.
By the way whenever I hear people boasting or hinting that they have 'plenty of money' most times you will find that they are just eking things out and that money is tight. No doubt he sponges on his family too.
Perhaps try next time to find a respectful kind man who is as successful as you are.
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