A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex boyfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago because he was depressed and didn't know what he wanted he said he needed time to figure things out. He said we may get back together in the future but we may not. Anyways i tried to do things like send him a card, and sent flowers. I also sent a couple of text just saying hello. He proceeded to ignore me and pretend that I didn't exist. I understand he needs time and space and I was trying to give him time, but still let him know I cared. I mean couldn't he tell me he needed more time or something like that. He is still talking to other people just not me. I am wondering if he used his depression as a cop out to break up and he just didn't feel the same way about me and that he just didn't want to tell me he didn't see himself with me anymore. Not that he needed time to sort out his feelings and his depression. I mean otherwise I would think he would still talk to me and wouldn't want to not have anything to do with me. He can't say either way if he needs time or if he doesn't want to be with me anymore and he wants me out of his life. He just doesn't say anything. So I told him to let me know either way. I will wait for him if he just needs time. Shouldn't he be able to say either way instead of just saying nothing? I told him If he didn't want me in his life anymore I was going to date other people because I have plenty of people wanting to date me. I don't want to wait around for someone that just doesn't want to be with me. I am suppose to be going on a date with someone else. I don't know what to do I am so confused. I can only assume his silence means he wants me out of his life. Any help would be appreciated.
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male
reader, bjo84 +, writes (8 November 2010):
"bjo84 what do you mean you used depression as a sort of cop out? Can you tell me about this?"
I'm an honest person but I couldn't reveal to her that I was depressed not just with myself but also with her. She wasn't invigorating or enriching my life. In hindsite, this had more to do with me than with her. She was good, sweet, caring person that I was not mature enough at the time to fully appreciate. Maybe this is the case with you? I don't regret the decision I made leaving her, as I truly was in a lull and she is now with someone else and definitely much happier than I currently am. So this I am proud, I made the right decision. I couldn't help where I was at the time anymore than she could.... and I didn't deserve her. Does that help?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were together for 14 months and we were suppose to getting married. I would suggest you go through with your wish to be dated by the many who offer to date you.
That way you can demonstate to him what he has already guessed: That he meant very little to you, and you are moving on. It is not that I want to date other guys.
If he would even talk to me at all instead of giving me the 100 percent silent treament I wouldn't even consider it, but it just seems like he wants me out of his life forever. He meant the world to me, but he wont even give me the time of day. I do understand that he is having a hard time I do but he could at least say hi when he sees me instead of pretending I don't exist. Right now I am the only one he is not talking to at all. He can't even say hello to me. All he would have to say is he needs more time and he can't even do that.
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A
female
reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (8 November 2010):
Sorry, I was so moved by your post that I had to offer a little more because your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have been through depression, and like I said, I still needed those around me who loved me to offer support. Had a been in a long term relationship, I would not have dumped my partner... might have inadvertantly driven him crazy, but I wouldn't have left someone I loved :-) I absolutely HATE it when people give lame exuses for why they want to leave a relationship. You know what, MAYBE he is depressed, maybe not... but I think you have shown him how much you care and how much you love him by TRYING to be there for him... and if he cannot see that, then you don't need him. And the fact that he totally ignores you makes me think it's a defense mechanism for him feeling guilty about the situation (dumping you/hurting you). That's just my opinion. I feel like since he's the one who dumped you, if you want to wait, do it; if you want to date around do it; if you want to take some time to just heal, do it. But my advice is to not wait around on someone who cares so little about having open communication with you that he shuts you out 100% because that HURTS. Relationships are about honesty and trust. Like I said before, why must he hurt you in order to fix himself? It makes me very angry. Sorry, depressed or not, I think it's selfish and he has damaged this relationship by walking away. Even if you did get back together, will he run again the next time depression strikes? Why must you have to suffer?
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A
female
reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (8 November 2010):
I've had something similar happen to me. He said he had some issues from his childhood/past (repressed memories and whatnot) to work out and needed to do it alone because he feared he would hurt me in the process. It just about killed me because I loved him so much that I just wanted to help him. He also refused to go get therapy which I didn't understand. He also turned cold and wouldn't talk to me. I wanted to wait for him because he kept saying that maybe once he had done some soul searching we could possibly at some point reconcile. Then 5 months later he had a new girlfriend. I'm not saying that's what will happen to you, but what I also don't get is why he has to cut you out of his life to fix himself. I'm the kind of person that when I am going thru something hard, I need the person I love to be there for me and offer support. To me that is what true intimacy is all about. How long were you guys together? Any discussion of marriage? I've attached a link... maybe this will help, maybe not. http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?247013-quot-The-Grass-Is-Greener-quot-Syndrome
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): I can understand what your saying,i was in a situation similar to yours and realised he was using his depression as a way to end us and he did
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify we have already broke up. We broke up because he said he was depressed. I do care about him. I love him and I would wait forever for him, but he has shut me out 100 percent. I don't want to date other people but I don't want to wait for someone that may not come back either. I mean if he can't even just say he needs time, and wont say anything to me what am I suppose to do. He refused to go to conseling. I even asked if we could go together and he didn't want to do that. It just seems like he was no longer happy being with me, other wise he wouldn't try to avoid me and not talk to me at all. bjo84 what do you mean you used depression as a sort of cop out? Can you tell me about this? I have tried to help him and he has rejected every kind of help I offered. The more I try the worse it seems to make things. That is why I just think it may be better to move on and get on with my life.
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A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (8 November 2010):
You kind of sound like a couple of things are going on in your head at the same time.
- If you are letting him know that you care, why are you unwilling to tolerate his silence? If he needs time apart from you, he is going to get it (either through you letting him take time or the two of you splitting). Trying to push him into talking to you or reaching a conclusion sounds like you being unable to deal with his issues. If you can't handle giving him space, break it off for good. But if you love him... Don't force him to make a decision when all he wanted was time to think.
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"He is still talking to other people just not me."
- He isn't dating other people, he isn't tied to other people, and I doubt anyone else in his life will pressure him to perform as a human being more than his girlfriend. Don't think of it as you being the only one punished, realize that he treats you different because you have a special place in his life.
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"So I told him to let me know either way. I will wait for him if he just needs time. Shouldn't he be able to say either way instead of just saying nothing?"
If he is depressed to the point where he is unsure about his relationship, he may not be able to answer that question. That doesn't mean the relationship is depressing, it means he is so lost in his trouble that he can't figure out which way is up.
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"I told him If he didn't want me in his life anymore I was going to date other people because I have plenty of people wanting to date me. I don't want to wait around for someone that just doesn't want to be with me."
Again, you are trying to force him to make up his mind before he is ready. Even if he responds, his answer may not be truthful simply because he doesn't have his head together.
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"I don't want to wait around for someone that just doesn't want to be with me."
And here is the crux of your situation: is he worth waiting for? He may be trying to dump you yes, but you don't know that for sure. He may be sincerely trying to make himself a better man (for you mostly), but only time will tell. So you need to ask yourself if you love him. Because this isn't about what he has said, or isn't saying, or what he might say, it is all about your attraction and attachment to him.
I am assuming that, since you already lined up another date, that you weren't planning on toughing out the relationship. I don't mean that as an insult to you, but as a statement regarding the quality of the relationship you had with him overall.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): depression is a serious debillitating illness. if that is what he has he was very brave to admit it to you. He can't be with you or be of any use to you while he is feeling depressed and not OK. I would suggest you go through with your wish to be dated by the many who offer to date you. That way you can demonstate to him what he has already guessed: That he meant very little to you, and you are moving on
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A
male
reader, bjo84 +, writes (8 November 2010):
He is clearly not happy. Sure it may be a copout but depression is a real thing that can have very serious impact on someone's life. The question I would ask yourself is this: so he says he is depressed, is he also seeking out the kind of help he would need to eliminate said depression? Has he seen a therapist? Taking any medication? If he is then I would definitely say that his depression is valid. If he is not then you can't be certain. It may just be that he is no longer happy with you or maybe not happy with how you make him feel. There is nothing you can do to change that. Stay what you are. I've been in these situations before both from your perspective and his(actually being depressed and also sort of using it as a copout). Being a little older now and having actually experienced depression, it's not something to mess around with. So my advice would be to act as supportive as you usually would. I mean, if the guy is really depressed and you care about him- then try to help him. When someone is actually depressed, they do have a tendency to go into themselves and withdrawl from the world. So is he withdrawling from you or from his other social acitivies as well? Look for these clues and you will get the answer you need. If he's just looking to bail out on you then so be it, obviously you care enough about one another to come on this site and get some advice. So kudos to you.
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