A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, i have been friends with a guy who is 30 on and off for about 2 years now, but recently the friendship has become more intense. i like him a lot as a person. We have started to chat online a lot and spend some nights out together with friends, but hes kind of breaking up with his gf of 5 years so he's kinda with somebody right now and i respect that and he does too.We talk online most days, a couple of times a week we chat for 4 or 5 hours on aim, and we have acknowledged that we're good friends, i.e we think each other is smart and a good person and we respect each other's opinion. he's not very confident, and certainly not a player and he can be a bit shy. It's all been very "appropriate", he won't make ANY physical compliments to me at all- he won't even say "don't worry, that dress looks fine" in fact he steers clear of it and we've just been having a good relationship as friends. i don't know whether he likes me or not and i know that both of us would be too embarrassed to bring it up. neither of us are very forward. i've tried telling him i think his photos are hot etc, but it all ended in an embarrassing silence.What he often does is brings up other women. We are at least once each week trapped in this weird circular conversation which goes like this:him: oh yeah, theres this girl at work who likes me/ who i kinda likeme: oh yeah? him: yeah shes etc etc.me: how do you know her?him: blah blah.. heres her pictureme: well, shes ok, i thought you said hot..him: shes prettyme: yeah shame about the perma tan/eyeliner/hairhim: yeah well maybe i overexaggerated, but we're friendsme: do you like her?him: a bit it then descends into me either giving him the inquisition about her- do you get on? do you have stuff in common? or either joking, well you can ask her out for a drink then.he then, suddenly changes tack, and says shes not that pretty, or shes a little dim, or theres something about her he doesnt like, says he cant see himself being with her etc, says he feels a bit like this, but not like that etc, she might ask him round her house, he might go, but cant see anything ever happening, not in that way, that its just an ego boost- its nice to know somebody likes him etc. they are probably just going to get to know each other as friends, after all hes in no position to be dating now, i know him- he wouldnt make a move anyway! this process happens at least once a week- he'll tell me some girl on myspace has messaged him, with a photo. he'll show me her. i'll say i think its pathetic that girls are randomly messaging guys they don't know. he'll say shes nice, i'll say " you've not met her!" then i'll have a pop saying "well, if thats the type of person you want to meet, well good luck to you" and he'll end up saying "look- i'm not marrying her, its just fun, its chatting! i'm not going to meet up with her for sex for gods sake! what do you think of me??" its just frustrating me, because i don't see why he does it, and i always end up reacting, mainly out of hurt, that y'know i've been fostering a relationship with him for months very slowly, then hes really excited about some random girl messaging him on facebook! when i try and compliment him in nice ways- his personality and say i respect him and stuff, he wont accept me saying it, in fact he almost changes the subject. although if i'm honest, when he compliments me, saying i'm this or i'm a nice person or whatever, i say "aww, don't be silly!" i dont know tho, if hes telling me about these girls to make me jealous to get a reaction, or, hes doing it to kind of make clear that we've got a friends relationship- that he sees me as a confidante, and the ultimate point hes making is that he doesnt want a relationship. period. When talking about one of the girls personalities he said "i cant talk to her and relax, like i can with mike or you or sally" lumping me in with platonic friends, so i'm not sure what his point is. his friend Sally has made the odd giggly comment about him liking me, but often i have to sit there listening to him contemplating the virues of other potential girls he may or may not like, and i never know how to react.why does he do this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): Who knows. It sounds like you are interested in him but that the timing is not right for that. He enjoys chatting on line and the attention he is getting he is feeling down after the end of the relationship and wants to feel that all is not over without risking a relationship. Sounds like he is scared that he is not at the moment really ready for any kind of relationship with you or anyone else in reality - this is safe as its fantasy mostly..not sure if he actually meets up? Sounds like he is seeing what is out there...If I was you I would leave it. You have been the supportive friend who likes him a bit more than just that and its time to worry about you not him anymore. If you put the energy you put into thinking about his motives into your own life and friends and work and into looking after you you would do better. It sounds like that you might be getting a bit dependent on him and yet you are not in the relationship you want? Get on with your own life and putting energy into you..stop seeing him so much - when he sees less he may miss you - give him at least 3 months in this way more at a distant - say no to outings sometimes, if after 12 weeks no move on his part. Decide can I be friends or is the price to0 high? This is all about you taking control not about what he is doing - that is unimportant to a degree. Of course you could just be honest and say that you find him attractive and does he feel the same..this might hurt but will save you alot of heart ache if you genuinely take on his answer..What do you think??
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