A
female
age
41-50,
*nfsdnluv
writes:After reading up on commitmentphobia I wonder if my ex suffers from this and that is the reason behind our break-up...I'm not sure how much I totally believe in it (versus just not being the right one), but I do think he has some intimacy/commitment issues that contributed to the break. Anyway, this is kinda long, but here's my story - let me know what you think!I met my boyfriend thru friends 2 years ago. The very first hour we met, I learned a lot about him - mostly about how his dad lives in another state than his mom and the whole family thinks he has a secret life there and how my ex would NEVER do that to a woman - EVER! (that should've been a warning sign) He started pursuing me right away - in fact he was way more into me at the beginning than I was into him. We lived about 2 1/2 hrs. from each other, so we could only see each other on the weekends. The first weekend he came down to see me (the weekend right after he met me), he brought me a present (a t-shirt I really wanted of my favorite baseball team w/ my favorite player's name on teh back). I thought it was sweet how he was trying to woo me. He told me he was with a friend when he bought it and his friend thought he was crazy cause we hadn't even made plans to see each other again, yet, but my ex said I was "different" and there was something "special" about "this one".He continued to court me and within one month we were officially boyfriend and gfriend. we saw each other every weekend and truly fell in love. We met each other's families and even spent that Xmas with both sides. By our first Valentine's Day, we had both said I love you (although he said it first several times before I said it back). He started dropping hints about marriage and the future - wanting to plan vacations, etc. He even started talkinga bout moving in together.Finally, we decided to move in together - in between where we both lived so that we could both keep our jobs. Then, he got a job offer in another state. I got really upset at first, as I felt he made a commitment to me to live together (and I had already gotten out of my old lease). He felt bad, but thought I was crazy and talking like we were married - which we HAD talked about as we were going to move in together. Needless to say, when I calmed down we decided we'd both go. It was moving us both back closer to our families and I wanted to go back in that direction, anyway, so I felt it was a good move for me.So, after a year together, we moved in together in a new state. I thought it was going well, but we started fighting over silly things. The worst was right before Xmas (after only 2 months of living together) he all of a sudden said he didnt want to spend the holiday with my family, too. I was crushed! Here we were living together and he couldn't be at my family holiday, as well? I wanted to share in both sides' festivities! After about 5 months of living together I could tell something was really "up", tho. He was so depressed - and he even admitted to "just not being happy". But, he said he assured me it wasn't us. So, time passed.My dad got sick and we had to go to the hospital one night unexpectedly. He came with me, but I could tell he didn't want to - a few weeks later during a fight, he ended up admitting to me that he felt I was being dramatic and there was no reason for him to be there with me! Can you believe that? Here he is supposed to be my support system and he couldn't be with me in my time of need?!He kept growing more and more distant and ended up going on a couple of business trips. One he was with another coworker but the second he went by himself. Both times, tho, he couldn't seem to pick up the phone when I called. I mean I can understand iif he's out to dinner, but one night he was at a bar w/ perfect strangers getting drunk. It made me feel unimportant and low. So we ended up fighting over the phone about it and I told him I just wanted to be a priority in his life - he retaliated telling me he doesn't have ANY priorities!When he got back he started spending more time with friends, but he wouldn't invite me along (even if other gfriends were going). It was like I couldn't be a part of that life of his. And, he would be sketchy about it, too. He wouldn't lie about where he was going or with who, but he wouldn't give out details, either. Even the sex began to lessen. I noticed that I was wanting it more than he was and when we had it, there were times that he'd be finishing himself off (??)Another month after that we took a week break. He said he loved me and he'd want me back after the week was up. The week came and went and at the end all I got was "I can't do this. I'm just not ready." He ended up crying more than I did (which for a man that shows NO EMOTION EVER was a lot)! We went back adn forth for a few days, he started finding silly faults in me - telling me I was messy or telling me it may have helped if I wore matching bras/underwear every day (that one was just BIZARRE!) or saying we were just "too different" but not explaining further when asked.The most I got from him was that he was afraid of getting hurt. That he thought I'd leave him??? then he moved out. But he only moved himself out - not his things. After a month of him finding every excuse to come by (like to get clothes for work) I had had enough. He told me he thought we'd break up but still get married one day and that was my breaking point! How could he do this to me?! So I forced im to move EVERYTHING out. He did and we basically started talking / seeing each other even more. It ended with a wonderful night out to dinner (and yes, sex after). But, the hooking up made us both nervous and awkward, so we decided we should do it again sometime w/out that. But, then he kept kising me and telling me he missed me, etc.The next night we both ended up out with friends in teh same place, and after a long night of drinking it obviously ended very ugly. He said he just wanted it to be over, and I told him I deserved better. And, that was that.We basically haven't had much contact since then - in fact, we really haven't had any contact in a month now (sans the closing of the apartment we once shared).For a long time now I have felt this was all my fault. I've believed all the silly things he complained about (the messiness, the temper at times, the coffee spills in his car). But, after reading up on commitmentphobes I feel like he really fits the bill. The more I look back on the relationship, the more I realize he was pretty closed off emotionally from the beginning - and although I believe some women (and men) may use commitmentphobia as an excuse for a failed relationship I do think an emotionally closed off person TRULY IS AFRAID of commitment. From teh beginning he pursued me, but if I pursued him back (i.e. called him instead of waiting for him to call me) he wouldn't answer. It's like he loved me one minute, but then didn't want me to be around him the next. He even told me he felt I was like a puppy dog at times always around him, so I started really backing away and then all I would get would be text messages from him saying "I wish you were here". And beyond our relationship, he could never commit to doing ANYTHING - so if I wanted to make weekend plans, we couldn't cause he felt something better may come up. It was so confusing and it makes me think he really does have a deep problem with commitment and intimacy. I should prob. add a little about his relationship history. He dated a girl in high school - young love, she was a year older than him so when she went off to school they broke up. Then, he started dating a girl sophomore year of college until senior year. He told me he felt he'd marry her one day, but she broke up with him cause she felt he was "emotionally cheating" on her. (that should've been a warning sign). He claims he wasn't, but a few months after they broke up he ended up hooking up with the girl that he was supposedly "emotionally cheating" on his ex with. That lasted about a month. Then he graduated and moved for a job. He started dating a girl he worked with for about a year or so. They broke up and then got back together and then broke up but kept hooking up. Then she moved on. Then he hooked up with another girl, but didn't date her seriously. Then he met me . . .Any opinions on if he is a commitmentphobe? (if they really exist) and where I should go from here? I do still love him and I'd love to give it another shot and mkae it work - but I'm not sure it can with someone so emotionally closed off . . .
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broke up, co-worker, crush, depressed, drunk, fell in love, got back together, his ex, I love you, moved in, moved out, my ex, player, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (9 October 2007):
This is a situation you should want to get out of. All the problems you raise are very unlikely to be solved. They will just continue to recur. Don't see him again and look for a better guy.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I read your post carefully and what I get from it is that you two did not make a good couple. It seems to me that things were very well for some time, but then your relationship went from bad to worse over time. It didn't happen all of a sudden, and I believe it happened that way because he really loved you, or at least really tried to have a working relationship with you.
But, the relationship is over. I don't think it would make sense that you tried to win him back. It won't work, and you'll end up hurt even worse than you are now.
As to whether he is a commitmentphobe, like you, I doubt these people really exist. What does exist, to me, is people who don't want a certain commitment, or don't want to commit to certain people. Some people who would be called "commitmentphobes" with one person end up very committed to a different one. This doesn't make the first person bad; it's just that the relationship worked with the second person, while it didn't with the first person.
Move on. I'm sure you will find someone who will truly appreciate you.
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