A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thanksMy bf and I have been together for about a yr. Its been a roller coaster at times. Hes got different rules for him and I. Don't text men don't email men but he texts his ex and hangs out with her. He swears hes over her but I get weird feelings hes hanging on any way he can. He doesn't text her much and sees her once or twice a week for an hour or two. They share kids but their kids are older. He even texted her on his bday cause she forgot it was his bday. He took me to a park they used to go to and showed me their house they had not once but a couple times. Hes also said he drives by there old house sometimes. I must conclude I dated him yrs prior and I found things on his computer between him and her while he was with me and she had a bf. They were sexual things. I ended it with him and he seemed like he changed so we got back together. No.I didn't snoop on his computer I went to look at something and he had his email open and I eas shocked!Do u think hes still got something for her ? Or am.I over reacting because of what happened in the past? He tells me he loves me daily sends romantic emails. His ex is with.so.eone but that didn't stop her before. Am I over reacting?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 June 2013):
 Well first of all, the rules have to be the same for all people in the relationship. Having one set of rules for you and a different set for him is wrong.
BUT if this ex is the mother of his children (regardless of how old they are) then there are times that he will have to have contact with her. That being said, If he sees her every week for a couple of hours, that’s not normal parenting issues in my opinion.
It’s not her place to remember his birthday as she is not his partner and the kids are older so it’s their responsibility. I have very civil and friendly relationships with my ex-husbands but I do not text them on their birthdays nor do I call them or see them just to chat.
Telling you he loves you and sending romantic emails are nice but that does not mean he loves you nor does it mean you feel loved or cherished or important or wanted. What matters are his actions. My husband never sends romantic emails and VERY rarely tells me he loves me (maybe once every 6 months and usually alcohol is involved) but I know that he loves me more than any man ever has or ever will.
Something about this bothers you and that alone is enough to figure out what it is.
A
female
reader, xAx  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 The fact that both of you have different rules means something. You're not allowed to talk to guys because he's afraid that you'll do the same to him.
I think that you both should compromise.
Tell him how you feel but describe it with using "I" and not "you", as "you" is too confrontational and can come across like you're attacking him ( some psychology for you there :P). Example, " i feel like you don't trust me because i can't talk to men and that hurts me. I want to feel like you do. I would like to be able to relax around everyone" - you talk about you feel and give him a reason to understand your feelings. If he doesn't say yes to that, then something is definitely wrong!
You should also let him know how you feel about their relationship otherwise it's unfair on him not to know he's annoying you. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable that he sees her without their child, especially since they have history together. Ask him to compromise by only seeing her when she's with the child so that both of you are happy.
Hope i helped!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): Some people have it for their ex for years and years. They know they'll never get them back; so they settle for being friends. Deep inside they wish they could be back together; but they know it will never happen.
Don't you have an ex in your past that you still think about? Do you still check Facebook to see what they're doing, or who they're with? Girlfriend, don't lie!
It's only human. You can't love someone and completely delete them from your memory, as if they've never existed.
That's why remaining friends after a breakup is really nothing but slow emotional torture. It strains your new relationship, and you never allow yourself to fully move on.
Personally; before seriously dating someone, I find out what type of relationship they have with their exes. If their ex comes up too frequently in our conversations; it's a deal-breaker for me. I know they are either on the rebound or not entirely over the breakup. We can continue dating for fun; but that's as far as it goes. No friends with benefits.
I refuse to invest my feelings knowing straight on the ex is still emotionally and actively involved; unless they live many miles away. If I see pictures all over their homes of their old partners; unless he's dead, another deal-breaker.
I don't accept their friendships as nonthreatening; unless I notice he frequently reminds me of the reasons for the breakup. That's a clear indication a person has come to terms with their separation and moved on. It doesn't bother me if they share celebrations, and memories. That's what friends do.
If I see sexually explicit exchanges or the ex finds too many reasons to draw his attention; I make my feelings known about it. I prepare to move on, if I don't see an immediate change in the tone. I don't play second fiddle to anyone. Nor am I the jealous type. Experience has taught me to eliminate those things I know I cannot change, that irritate me.
I'm not one for snooping. I don't allow people to use my phone, tablet, or laptop. So I respect their privacy. I expect the same in return; and trust them on their word until I find evidence to do otherwise. I know cheaters always slip up.
That's because they want to get caught. There is no intrigue or drama unless they do. It's part of their turn on. They get a hormonal rush out of talking themselves out of trouble. Testing your gullibility, and your level of desperation to keep them.
Tell him once, and once only, when you feel he is being too intimate with his ex. Inform him of the consequences; if he doesn't make those feelings go away. If you don't find a change in his behavior toward her, someone has to go.
Don't make idle threats. You'll find yourself repeating them again and again; and they'll grow even closer.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 June 2013):
 No... you are NOT over-reacting. IF you "current" guy-friend chooses to be inappropriately-close to his ex-... then he is sending you a VERY CLEAR message... that SHE still has a tag on his heart... and YOU will have continue on trying to figure out how to break that connection....
Let him know that YOU are not happy with his contact with his ex-.... and let HIM react to your complaint.
IF he blows you (and your complaint) off... THEN you will have gotten a clear message... that he doesn't much give a darn about your feelings... and, thereby, you will know that it is time for you to go on your way, WITHOUT HIM!!!!
Good luck....
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