A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 3 years still talks to his ex. He talks to her almost everyday. This bothers me and I have told him so in several occasions. It really does bother me specially b/c he is doing it behind my back. We live in different states and his ex lives in the same state as I am, I know they don't see each other, but talking on the phone and text messaging each other almost everyday?!!. Is that OKAY? He does not know that I know, since I check his phone records without him knowing. I just talked to him that it bothers me, but he denies ever talking to her. It's been almost 3 years and this is still going on between his ex and him. This situation had always made me very uncomfortable in our relationship, specially not being able to trust him. He says he wants to be with me, he even wants me to move in with him.. but the uncertainty of not knowing what is still going on with his ex- does not let me make the decision to move in with him.At the same time, I am getting aged (turning 30 soon) and I feel like I am still stock between him and his ex. I really want to built a family and good relationship with him, but would he ever stop talking to his ex? Am I overreacting? Is it OKAY for guys to keep talking to his ex after 3 years? ( They officially broke up only 2 years ago). I understand that he is distance and he has no friends where he is at, but I travel to visit him twice a month and talk to him on the phone a lot...I don't know what to do? Any advice? I am tired of repeating myself over the same subject. Every month I hope that the phone bill will show less of her phone #, but it is very disappointeing to see the opposite. He does like to hold long conversations (13 mins the most), but he has called her at least every other day.... I have given him enough time.. I think... He wants me to move in with him, but does not want to get married yet...Any advice on how to handle this situation?
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male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (5 October 2007):
He talks to her almost everyday? Of course, he's still interested in her. You would be a fool to keep on with him like you are. Don't move in with him unless he marries you and backs off the ex.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): Confront him about the calls first.
He will probably deny it all but be persistent. Tell him that you saw the phone bill by accident (you can think of some excuse I am sure) and that you noticed that they talked a lot. Ask, "is she okay? You seem to be calling her a lot- she going through a rough time or something?"
But don't say, "You call her all the time, are you still in love with her?" or whatever. Don't accuse of anything. Guys will immediately get defensive and play innocent if they feel that they are under attack. Gauge his reaction to your innocent sounding question.
Eventually you're going to have to ask him if he has feelings for her. Tell him that if he does he needs to resolve those issues before you will move in. If I were you I wouldn't let it get any more serious with him until he was over her completely.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Until you become a permanent fixture in his life, my guess is, he'll keep his ex as a back-up plan. It almost sounds like he's juggling two long-distance girlfriends. If you want to have a future with this guy, you have got to be living in the same state, same city, and perhaps even in the same house. He obviously doesn't see your relationship as anything permanent, therefore he has no incentive to let go of the ex. Once you make some changes to actually be together, he will probably feel less interested in the ex, and more interested in you. So put it to the test. If he's asked you to move in, do it. After you've been there for a few months, perhaps he'll stop being so available to the ex. And if it still continues, you'll have more grounds to confront him and ask him to make a choice. Either she goes, or you do. He simply cannot have a relationship and move forward if he's still hanging on to the ex. Good luck.
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