A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I am in a long-distance relationship. I am from Italy, my partner is Spanish and has been living in Germany for over 15 years now. He was unemployed for ages but now has a good job, it is on a contract basis but they love him and have said when his contract is up in a month or so they plan to renew it.He takes home around 2000 to 2500 euros after tax, although he works long hours for that money. But he seems really happy to have a job as things in Spain are still bad. He has paid off all his debt and is saving lots of money every month, he told me over 1000 euros.The job market is not so great in Italy, in some sectors it is maybe better than Spain though. I am a freelance graphic designer and can work from wherever I want to .. for the most part... I also travel a lot for work. We see each other as much as possible, but it is usually me paying to fly to him because he is tied to one location and I am not.The problem is where he is living right now and he is not making any real effort to change it, although he says he wants to. He has a tiny room in a shared flat with one other guy. Two single beds side by side almost fill up the room. The other guy in the flat smokes and it stinks out the flat even though he keeps his door closed. He is also really noisy and despite being asked to be more respectful, comes in from a night out and slams the doors at 2 and 3 am. The walls are very thin so if he plays music or has friends over, I find it hard if not impossible to sleep.. he doesn't have a job so keeps long hours talking half the night. My partner has asked him to be respectful, but he works night shifts most of the time, so this doesn't affect him, as he comes home at 7 am and sleeps and the other guy sleeps until the afternoon.This is affecting my work. I am not sleeping well due to that noise. All the shared areas reek of smoke. Also there is a lot of disturbing noise in the area generally as it is a main road with a loud all night bar on the corner, kebab shops etc.. and people park right outside of the flat as well. Even earplugs don't blot it all out. When my partner comes back in from his job, he needs to sleep, so pulls down the blind and wants peace and quiet. The kitchen is tiny and there is nowhere to sit and I cannot sit in a darkened room to work either, or disturb him, so I have been using cafes and pubs to work, but that becomes unfeasible and I have started using Air BnB to get my rest and to get my work done.This has been ok in principle, although it has started to get costly. I try to see it as a temporary measure though, as my partner repeatedly says he will find a flat. He has also promised to give me money to help with my own expenses incurred due to the situation, as yet, though, he has given me 50 euros in total if that.The thing is he has been saying the same thing for almost one year. It IS very hard to find a flat in the city he is in, but even when I find them online for him, he is refusing to even look at them if they are over his budget. But his budget is ridiculous and lies well below even the cost of a room in a decent flat. For weeks on end I have been helping him look, but he will only raise a smidgeon of interest if the flat is super cheap, which here, usually means tiny and again, unlivable. He turns his nose up at anything that is over 450 euros a month, even though he is earning super well.I had intentions... plans.. to share a place with him, at least part of the time, and his words last year were "How about I find a nice place to live and you come out here part of the year and then keep your place in Italy on" - but his actions don't match his words, his attitude is incredibly off-putting and I just don't understand it. I asked him does he owe someone money, hence his reluctance to even go 100 euros over that level, but he insists not and that he just wants to save.In the meantime I am left finding places to stay when I visit him and it is becoming harder and harder for me to accept. I don't intend to live here full time, I have to keep a base in Italy for my business and due to my aging parents, as I have a duty to them. But he won't even look at a one bedroomed place with a separate living room where I could work because "500 to 600 euros is too expensive".I am left wondering if he is serious about our future and it has affected my work and my health. I spoke to him about how unhappy I am and he just said by September he will have found a place, but he is spending all his free time hanging out with friends and not even looking.I am ready to end the relationship. Can anyone advise, having maybe been in a similar situation where a partner is impossibly tight with money?
View related questions:
cheap, debt, money, smokes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 July 2016):
 You have definitely made the right decisison, - and now you can sleep in a clean, smoke free, mold free environment too :)
May I dare to say, to " better late than never " ?
It is always interesting to see how posters tend to give us the whole story in intsallments, but by bit. Hey, of course " the client is always right " so, posters, keep sharing only whatever you feel comfortable with- on the other end please realize that this way you may not get the most helpful or insightful answers ... because you make us answer about something different from the real issue.
So, OP, not only it was not about location ; it was not even about him being a smoker, a pothead and a general ne'er-do-well,, because at the end of the day you could cope quite easily with that .
Then we add to the mix jealousy and lies and trust isuues and double standards and his roving eye and this and that.... and, pardon me OP, but did you need to quarrel about his apartment to see that you were in a bad place with this guy ? And that an intelligent, educated , successful professional like you can do better than cling pn for years to this " situation "?
" Icche' ttu scherzi davvero ?! " , as they would say in Tuscan ( You've got to be kidding !) ?
Anyway - all's well that ends well. Welcome back to Italy, I hope you can make it by the next Palio :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): once a guy is choosing to belittle you is time to go. The magic has gone. The trust has gone. and he is communicating no respect to you. You have done the right thing. I am sorry you had to suffer this man's nasty actions
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): Thank you! I haven't been on here in a while and have just seen all the amazing and helpful answers. This website is just great!I left him the other day. I went onto his phone and discovered he has a secret FB account, or what appear to be two hidden accounts. It feels like the last straw breaking the camel's back of an already struggling situation. At this point I am loathe to even write a relationship. It is over for me now.A few years back, FB caused a major rift between us, as he would get very jealous of my profile because I know a lot of people and also have male friends, who are mostly work colleagues or former work colleagues or guys I went to school with who are settled down, but he would always misread things and become angry. We managed to talk it over though. He then deleted his FB account and said look, I hate this online social media thing, I am deleting my account, not going to bother with it anymore. You can do what you like on FB, I trust you and I understand that it's for your work and keeping in touch with far flung friends. I don't want to see your page, it is your business.He stressed how much he hated FB and found it a waste of time. At one point we split up for over 6 months, for reasons mainly to do with me feeling used for my money and as if I were not a priority in his life and I noticed he was sometimes spending the money I "loaned" him to gamble. I forgave him, but he told me he set up a fake account to "spy" on my FB, all rather childish, but this was well over a year ago and given his attitude towards FB, I did not expect to find him on it again, surfing through various profiles, mainly women, and one in particular whom he used to look at regularly, who is interestingly the spitting image of his first ex-wife, who was German and blond. I had come back from working the other night and he was out, had left me a note saying he had gone shopping and I just had an odd feeling when I saw his phone sitting there. He had also promised me that he was no longer spending 10 or 20 euros a day on gambling, but the evidence was also there in his browsing history.It hurts additionally because he has also been telling me that he has super slow internet, so he can't open photos and sometimes doesn't even see my emails. That actually is a lie, he is just too busy gambling, obsessively checking the sports results every 10 minutes and surfing through women's profiles on a social media platform that he claims to actually hate. He had looked at a few adverts for flats, but not many, his main browsing activity was actually Facebook and gambling.There was also an incident the day before this happened in which he was extremely rude to me in front of his neighbour. In fact, he was downright insulting and there was absolutely no need to say what he did. Might I add that this is not the first time he has belittled me in front of other people. I forgave him the last time, but on top of the stress of everyone else, I wasn't sure if I felt like forgiving him at all.On the same day he had a very rare free evening and night and all the following day off work for him. I had hoped we would spend it together also. I asked him what he was doing and he said he hadn't seen his best friend in ages and repeated the story about him having problems for the millionth time and that he was going to see him.All these things just hurt me so much. When I sat him down with him to ask him about FB, I asked him when he had last used it and he lied flat out to my face and said years ago. I said ok why then did I find an account or two accounts that you used earlier today (as soon as I left his place to go work). He became really flustered as he then realised I had checked his phone and had clearly forgotten to clear his history. He blurted out some story about still having the account he once used to "check up one me" to look at a work-related page. I noticed, however, that 90% of his FB activity was women's profiles.I had also noticed that my phone number is saved in his phone under my surname, which I thought very bizarre.I hate being lied to, as most people do. I went out to have a drink and calm down and told him I would be back later and needed to clear my head. I emailed him later and asked why he kept checking out a specific woman's profile who he doesn't even know. His response was to tell me that I am crazy, something is clearly wrong with me and "get well soon", time you booked a flight home.I was LIVID. I have no idea how I kept my composure after being gaslit and basically being told I have a problem for wanting the truth. So I didn't go home. I checked into a hotel and am now staying with a friend here after getting my things from his place and taking a few days to get my head straight.The issues are now so much bigger than his reluctance to find somewhere half decent to live, or his smoking. He cannot be trusted and I have maybe only scratched the surface. Time to go back to Italy. This man is a waste of my time and is a two-faced manipulator. I thank God that at least I know now.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 June 2016):
 Again I am going to say that it is up to himself what he does with his money, he is working so if he wants to spend it all on weed and smoke I will not judge, if he is lazy and does not want to work, I wont judge. But would I date him and view him as a potential partner? No I would not. The thing is after reading everything you had to say, it is clear that you both are very different, it seems that you don't like anything about him, I am struggling here to see what you get from this relationship? What makes it good when you want to stay with him? Reading your post I think the best thing you can do for yourself is say enough is enough, break up with him and meet someone who wants the same things as you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 June 2016):
Then thanks God that he did not want to come to Italy ! No offence , but we have already enough loafers and benefits scroungers , real whizzes at working the system , both national and foreigners, without importing the German - based one. Let Ms. Merkel enjoy them :).
Btw, that could be one of the reasons he does not want to upgrade his accomodation ? If he counts on having it paid courtesy of Ms. Merkel once his one year contract is up. It makes sense that the State would pay his rent- within certain limits. There must be parameters within which they operate . I don't think that even generous Germany can afford to pay him for anything more than the bare minimum necessary to house a SINGLE man at the lower end of the current rental market. Otherwise, everybody would rent a nice 3 bedroom villa with garden, - then go on unemployement and stick the State with the bill.
- The math does not quite add up here... say 200 for weed, 500 for gambling, 200 for cigarettes , 250 for rent, 200 for food , and 1000 in savings ... that makes already 2350 monthly ( more than he can count on ) and we have left absolutely nothing for transportation, dry cleaners, clothing, toiletries,Tv, Internet , entertainment ( like,say, movies , not weed : ), nothing ! Something's gotta give ... are you sure he is not supplementing his 2000 with anything illegal ?..
- Which leads me to: then it's not an issue of mould or space or noise- it's an issue of incompatibility between you. You hate smoke ( including passive smoke, I guess ) and he smokes 30 a day. You have a solid work ethic, and worked real hard for 12 years to reach the point where you are now, - he does not. You are ( rightly so, I am not criticizing ) an ambitious planner and shaper of your future, he is , well, laid back is an euphemism.
Have you asked yourself what you would do with him in the long run, even in the best possible accomodation ?
Objectively, it still makes sense FOR HIM to live as he lives , and spend what he spends, - you are just dating, and dating long distance too. If he can't see himself making major lifestyle changes for you, it does not mean that he does not like you or maybe love you- they just would not be quite warranted by the " fluid " stage in which your relationship still is.
But, would it make sense for YOU, to pass to the next stage ?
Even if you could convince him or force him to make the changes you want ?
It's not all about housing... two person who are too different as lifestyle and vision won't be happy together even if they lived in a 5 stars hotel.
P. S. : Just for the sake of argument- I get perfectly what you say about the job market , but still it's a reasoning that works in theory , not in practice. It is what it is and the fact that in a country the salaries are low, and / or the cost of living high, and that getting X euro is " considered " a nice enough income, or the best you can get ,... well, it being the best one can get still does not necessarily make it a salary you can comfortably, live on.
I am still surprised because you do live in Italy ( not far from my area, btw ). You know how it is, don't you. An unqualified worker like your bf , or even an entry level white collar worker, may get 1200 euro a month. Let's say 1400 if he is really lucky- many people would envy you if you have 1400 a month.
Well, have you tried to live ALONE on 1200/ 1400 a month- paying an one bedroom rent, all the bills, food, car costs, everything ..AND wanting to save up something every month ?...
HAHAHAHA ! That would be a joke to be printed on
" Vernacoliere " ( I am sure you know what it is ).
The fact that what you can get is " not that bad " for the current job market, does not make it necessarily GOOD enough to live on, or to live on comfortably, in a nice , noise free building , in a quiet, safe neighborhood...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2016): Can I just add, I asked him to come and live in Italy and he said no, he wanted to stay in Germany.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2016): I appreciate everyone who took the time to read my long question and to give such useful answers.There are some things that I didn't mention in my post. I'm going to mention them now.Someone said 2000 euros after tax and social security deductions is not very much. Believe me when I say in Germany right now, it is. For a non-professional job. Most of my friends here think that is a great net salary to be bringing home. For someone who has a degree and is in an academic or other professional environment, it is not a lot, perhaps, but even comparing it to what some of my friends are earning in England right now, in London even, most say it is really good.It isn't easy to find work in Germany at the moment either. I know an architect who is highly qualified but she has been unemployed for 2 years. Ok there may be other reasons why she has not been fortunate enough to find something, but the market is not as it once was. With or without professional qualifications, it is tougher.If you don't have a degree and you are looking for non-professional work, a lot of companies are offering "zero hours contracts", and here in Germany, are paying a LOT less than what my partner is on. I was offered a contract working in the UK on a 2 year full-time term paying 25,000 sterling per year BEFORE tax for my experience and services. And I have two degrees and vast industry experience. I guess you could compare the jobs market to the housing situation here! Supply and demand means employers and landlords can behave quite ruthlessly to a certain extent, and certainly in the world of housing, they do so here.. despite a certain level of regulation that on the surface, appears to be better than other European countries. So I do understand him wanting to save and to think of his future without taking me into account all that much. His living situation works for him. He is also a heavy smoker and the smoke from the other person doesn't bother him, plus he could sleep through an orchestra, he is that type of person. But he keeps going on and on about how he is so desperate to get out of there and will I help him find something. So I started helping him look, but the market DOESNT have flats for 450 euros and if you do happen to be lucky enough to find one, usually once the additional costs of heating etc. are added in, it is more like 500 or 550, but that is EVERYTHING, internet, phone, water, heating and lighting. I have found several suitable places at 500 or 550. The last one I sent him the email and when I saw him, he shouted at me and said I can't afford that, you are a capitalist, I have a normal job.I found it very hurtful because I have been asking around, replying to ads and organising viewings. It was a stupid thing to say. I work hard and long hours and have been running my business for over 12 years now. I lived in England for a while, and there I was paying well over 700 pounds a month for rent, local tax, and ALL the bills were on top of the rent! It is so much more expensive than Germany!! I found him a fantastic place last week, right around the corner from his best friend and next to a train stop to take him to work. It was 550 for EVERYTHING. Given that property goes super fast, I spoke to the landlord and he said please come around, get him to give me a call. It was a perfect one bedroomed flat in a quiet side street too. I asked him did he call the landlord as arranged and he said too expensive, why are you sending me expensive places. He then got angry with me when I explained that the only stuff that is available for 450 are flat shares and he said he didn't want that. He could have snapped up a gorgeous bargain of a place but he didn't want to....I then told him that if he was going to keep being horrible to me and obstructive, that I would stop looking. And I have. I asked him, look, what is it you want. I will let you do the looking because clearly I am annoying you, but I am only showing you what the market rate is. He then seems to get irritated and repeats how he desperately needs to get away from where he is. But we go around in a circle.But I actually believe it works for him. He can smoke his head off there, because the room is really nicotine stained and already was from the last person. The landlord is laissez faire and reduced his rent to 250 from 350 a month when construction work began well over a year ago. There was major disruption that caused a massive leak into his room that was not repaired and has left dangerous black mould on the ceiling and walls around the doorway. There is also a leak from his washbasin and the toilet doesn't flush properly now. But apparently all these issues will be corrected when the builders are done doing the upper floors (he is on the ground floor). But in the meantime, he is living in black mould, which is hazardous for his health, but I don't know which is worse, his 30 a day habit or the mould!The builders keep screwing up, they are a nice bunch of Polish guys, but make the most hideous mistakes, so the work is taking longer than expected. The landlord is turning the upstairs floors into a brothel with individual rooms to rent out for 70 euros and above an hour (brothels are legal in Germany). None of the rooms have a kitchen in them, they are small or large "studios", but furnished with luxury beds, chains, crosses for bondage and luxury bathrooms. My partner is hoping the landlord will let him rent the studio upstairs for 400 euros max and I think he is holding out for that, it is bigger than his room with a nice enough bathroom, but no plumbing for a kitchen or cabling for an oven etc. I told him not to hold his breath, as the landlord would rather get his 70 euros an hour, but at some level I think he is waiting and hoping. In the meantime he is living with black mould. By the way, his room measures around 2 x 3 metres.Then there is his weed habit. He spends maybe 50 euros a week at least on it, he smokes around 30 normal cigarettes a day and he gambles on the horses and football around 10-20 euros a day at least. Someone said what he does with his money is his business, but some part of me wonders does he not want to spend on a clean and decent place because of his habits. They all add up to quite a tidy sum. He tries not to smoke around me when I am there but stands in the corridor to avoid getting arrested for smoking weed, so the smell permeates the bathroom and everywhere else in addition to the neighbour's smoking. But again, it is up to him.I met him while he was unemployed, so we were together for several years while he struggled and I helped him with small sums of money, nothing major, maybe totalling 1000 euros and flying back and forth. He offered to help me pay for the Air BnBs but so far no money has transpired. He also offered to pay my flight home - same thing. I don't expect that money back, but I find it unfair that he makes noises about helping me and then does nothing.He owns a flat in Morocco, which is pretty basic, but we have been to it before. He says at some point he wants to spend some money on doing it up, which is a great idea. Then he has said stuff along the lines of if his contract is not renewed, he will do nothing in Morocco until he runs out of his savings and his unemployment benefit. Apparently unemployment benefit in Germany is really good, even if you work for just one year, you can receive two thirds of what you were earning. So he is planning to go and do nothing on his savings. That is what they are for. He will just come back to do the minimum unemployment registration.Before we met, he was actually unemployed for over 10 years. He did have jobs, but he either didn't enjoy them or they were hard work for little pay etc. and he resigned or was fired quickly. Then the unemployment office started forcing people into training with a view to work and that if you did not accept this, your benefits would be cut drastically. He was actually forced into taking this job and he told me that should he leave it before one year is up, he will not receive the full benefits, so it is in his interest to do the job for the minimum period and then if they do not renew, he will be ok. Even unemployed though, your rent is paid by the state and the insurance scheme.He has asked me to marry him a few times but has never proposed properly and has always made a joke out of it. I guess I am afraid to commit to him legally because he has such a casual attitude to work. I don't want to link my finances to him. I don't want to be the one left paying all the bills if we DID share somewhere and then he decides he is fed up and wants to spend 6 months doing nothing in Morocco.I hope that sheds a little more light on the situation. I did say shall I come and live with you, but my office is based close to Siena.. my own flat is there.. my parents are there and I need to be there for them too. He has said no, you need to be there for your parents... I also do not want to complicate my tax situation. He keeps insisting that HE will get the place for both of us and I can come for a couple of months then go back. When I come over, I am here for weeks at a time, not for a weekend. I have spent over 1500 euros on places to stay and travel because of the situation.I feel like we go round and around on the same hamster wheel about the living situation. He seems to think several hundred pounds a month is ok for smoking and gambling, to me that is not saving. To me that is not changing the situation. Up until this point I have been incredibly easy going about it all, until I was left with no money in my bank account due to a client paying later than expected and me paying for the places to stay. I think he just sees me as flexible and accommodating but I have been doing this for years now, for weeks at a time, and unless something changes soon, the relationship is going to end.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 June 2016):
I must say that, being from Italy myself, I was a little perplexed reading your post.
Maybe yours is the more adventurous free - lance mentality. Or maybe , lucky you, you earn so well that you have a bit lost touch with the life of someone who's working for a salary.
How can you say that he " earns super well " ?! He does not - 2000 a month is not the lap of luxury for someone who has to pay rent ( and utilies, heating, building maintenance,TV, phone.. ) - even in Italy, and the cost of living in Germany is higher , at least in the cities, than in Italy. He would not be struggling - if he keeps to his current budget, or maybe just a little more , but he surely does not have that big of a choice in terms of accomodation.
- He makes " between 2000 and 2500 " , but to make his calculations he will have to count ( as a sure thing ) on the lower figure. If it's not a fixed amount, it means the extra money comes for overtime or bonuses or whatnot- that are not a given, they may be there or not. It would be imprudent of him to count on any sum that's not etched-in-granite certain.
And he is temporary staff ! ! sure, his contract probably will be renewed . For how long ? One year ? And then ?...
Plus - any temporary contract is much easier to terminate than a permanent open-ended employement contract . In lack of with, I think he is right in erring on the caution's side .
But, most importantly, he wants to save up. That's his priority , and he made it known and clear. We don't know his reasons, but obviously that's important to him. To save over 1000 a month on his income, he must really have very frugal habits , and spend almost nothing in clothing , entertainment , travel, anything not stringently necessary. Unless he is a miser by nature- there must be a reason for, or a benefit from, this frugal lifestyle- benefit that would be vanified by renting a costlier place.
Yes, but what about me ?, you say . This makes sense for HIM personally, but he is not single, he is half of a couple. Should he not reason as such ?.
Well, yes and not.
If you for instance planned to move definitely to Germany and go live permanently with him, sure he should. He should not only take into account your preferences, but also provide you with an environment where you can safely and comfortably work and produce an income. That would be in the interest of both and would justify him taking on higher costs.
But spending more just so you can be more comfortable during occasional weekends, uhm. You complain that he is not committing to a shared future, but you are not either. You are just .. visiting. Not married, not engaged, not taken the step to go live with him ( or to have him come to live with you in Italy, or any other nation, since you can work everywhere ). If you leave him tomorrow, he 's up the creek without a paddle. No gf- and saddled with a more expensive apartment than he needs.
So, I think that you should ask himself, not only " is he serious about me ? " but, more importantly, " am I serious about him ? "
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 June 2016):
 I can understand your frustration as it appears you are the one in this relationship who is accommodating with travelling and the expenses involved in that.
I think it would be best to sit down and have an earnest, honest, in depth discussion about where you both see this relationship going, or even if it is going to go anywhere.
I think that as you are the one doing all the travelling, and then incurring extra expenses to enable you to work which he had promised to help cover, that I would not be travelling to visit him again until this situation is resolved.
To be honest I don't know if you should have this conversation now, or wait until the deadline he has given himself to have found a place, ie September, only you can make that decision, based on the conversations you and he have had since he made that commitment.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (22 June 2016):
He was in debt and now he found himself a job that pays well he works long hours and now he is finally in a good place and saving money. I am sorry but I can understand why he is being tight with his money, as not to long ago he was in debt and that makes a person realize the importance of money. It sounds like your boyfriend is happy with his living situation. I can see why this frustrates you when you need to work and when you are staying there, but if I am honest I don't think he should have to over budget when finding an apartment just for your sake. It would be completely different if you where both deciding to live together and pay the rent together, but if he is expected to pay the monthly rent on a place then why should he go over budget? It probably does work out best for him to flat share at the moment. Yes it can be noisy and extremely annoying but if you two don't plan on living together then I guess he is doing what is best for him.
On to your relationship, long distance can be difficult and I can see that this situation is adding stress on to you, have you both made future plans to live together? Or is it just a case of you visiting from time to time? My opinion would be that you both sit down and talk about what you both really want, and come up with a plan that will work for both of you long term. Good luck.
...............................
|
