A
female
age
36-40,
*lapure4
writes:Hello Cupid! Me and this guy met seven months ago through a mutual friend and instantly clicked. We both graduated from the same college, have alot in common and are relatively known for what we do. I'm a journalist and he's a filmmaker/journalist. He's also apart of a fraternity where he's prone to being around alot of women. He's admitted to flirting with women, having short-lived relationships and so forth. But I've remained friends with him despite his ways because he's a funny, positive, and charismatic guy whose really serious about his craft. We've learned alot from each other and he's even encouraged me to write poetry again, which is something I haven't done in almost 10 years. We've campaigned together on campus for AIDS/HIV where a friend and I did a commerical for the organization that has yet to be broadcast on television. If anyone's more committed to the community, it's certainly him and we've bonded during these times. All throughout, I got the impression that he liked me and I would disregard it with sarcasm because a guy whose surrounded by women can never be taken seriously in my book. He's just looking to get laid or whatever, and he knows I'm not that kind of individual which is why he gravitates toward me. Secretly, I did like him more than a friend, but I was afraid that if I told him I did, it would go to his head. He's always being told he's this good catch but clearly doesn't know how to treat a "good" woman. In early February, he came back to visit from California and we talked everyday it seemed. He opened up for the first time about his past unlike anything I've seen him do before and it gave me insight into the real person. After several requests, I agreed that he could treat me out for v-day just to see where this would lead. He insisted that it would happen and trusted his word until I found out that he instead took another female out for v-day. I was disappointed because for one, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I didn't tell him about it because he was leaving for California for good this time and I didn't see the need to bring up the situation. I wished him off and he went back to California. Fast forward to this May, he comes back to visit some friends and he wants to take me out for the last time. I'm literally disinterested and deliberately tell him no because I had other plans which I did. Then he phones me last night telling me how he's wants to date me and that he's been contemplating it for awhile. I broke it down for him to understand that he's not honest/trustworthy when it comes to dating women, and I pointedly brought up the v-day incident. He was very apologetic and said that I'm the only person who stands out from the rest because I behave differently from the women he's had in the past and wants to take this to the next level. I told him there's nothing wrong with being friends and that he needs to think about how he's coming across. He claims to have changed his ways and that he wants to try long distance dating. I told him no! Not only is distance the problem, but I can't take someone seriously if their indecisive and a flirt..was this the right approach? Thanks
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Absolutely the right approach in my opinion. Temporary LDR's suck and more so when there's no end in site. Avoid pain if you can has always been one of my mottos.
A
male
reader, a-g55  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 if i were you I would have shown the boy who is cleverer by doing exactly what he does to girls and fire it back at him... that will make him like you even more and then its safe to trust him.......
my advice to all girls reading this.. if your in the same situation but you like the guy... you need to make him invest in you. he wont mess you about if its been a hard journey getting you.... im not a cheater but if its to easy to get a girl then i cant respect that girl as much. and bad things happen if you dont respect your gf
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Wow! First of all, you sound tremendously impressive and together. You should trust your judgement because you're clearly extremely bright and clear-thinking, even though you are really young. It sounds like you have good reason to be cautious of this man. I only wish more young women were as inspirational and as able to demand from men such high standards of treatment and respect.
That said, there is such a thing as being overcautious. People can change and become committed, caring individuals in a relationship - but they often need a bit of trust to do so. While I'm not big on the whole Victorian 'virtuous woman as the salvation of philandering man' thing, sometimes people of both sexes need a bit of care. If he does feel genuinely ready to commit, there would be nothing wrong with a few dates, provide you can stay a bit guarded and cautious and not fall head over heels (NB this is much easier said than done and is not something I would suggest normally, but you seem to have an unusual degree of self-insight that I think makes you a special case).
I think such a relationship might help you, too. Excuse me if this sounds patronizing - it is not meant to belittle you or your achievements - but having a messy, untidy experience can be an important part of becoming aware of the huge range of life outside of formal art and academics will be hugely beneficial to you as a writer in the longrun (tho perhaps difficult and painful in the shortterm). There is such a thing as being too organized, too in control, and too closed off to the world. That sounds far more critical than it is meant to be - I just mean, really, that you should have faith in your own standards, but also in your capacity to handle anything that might result from this relationship. You are strong and capable.
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A
female
reader, RaeRae16 +, writes (24 May 2011):
yes. you made the right decision of turning him down and guys dont change like that especially if they do that. i wouldnt trust him at all and wouldnt again. you made the right decision.
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