A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met my ex through a friend a couple of months ago. At the beginning things were perfect, I felt like I could tell him anything and wasn’t afraid of being judged. He said all the right things and would constantly be there to support me. I opened up about my past to him and told him things I had been afraid to tell anyone before. We talked about my ex and the abusive relationship that we had which had led to being sexually assaulted and I had gotten pregnant. I lost the baby and I had a hard time dealing with all of that although it had happened two years ago. He told me about his ex girlfriend and during that time he told me that it had been a bad relationship which had led to them breaking up in a “nasty” way. According to him they hadn’t talked in a while but I knew her through mutual friends and eventually it came out that they had been talking and when confronted about it he denied it. Later he told me it was because he was afraid to lose me and foolishly I believed him and took him back. During that time I found out I had to get my ovaries taken out due to an enlarged cyst which would result in me being unable to have children. He told me that it didn’t matter. I shouldn’t worry about which hit me hard because of my past. Anyway, we broke up on and off for quite sometime and it would always end in “ you’re stupid, you did this and then you did that” “ you’re not worth it, i don’t want to be with someone like you” “ it’s all your fault”. I kept taking him back because he would keep apologizing. A few weeks ago, I went over to his house to give something back to him and I had told hi the night before that I couldn’t be friends with him at that time because I needed to move on. He asked me to stay, we cuddled and stayed together in bed for hours and towards the end I asked him what it meant and he said “ we were just friends”. The physical aspect of it hit me a lot more because I had been afraid to let any man come close to me as a result of things that happened in the past. Now I don’t know what to do. Should I forgive him? Is he right for thinking I am holding on to the past too much?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 July 2010):
Good God girl, you've been through far too much at your age to just be able to forget the past so quickly. The problem here is that you've gone from one abusive man to another abusive man. This often happens, so don't feel bad in terms of your choice of male. I think right now you need to be single, and you need to be focusing on yourself. Under no circumstances let this new man back into your life again. Like your ex before, he is an abuser and he will continue to abuse you. you need to be alone and focusing on yourself at this time. That will probably men counselling as well. The cycle you most importantly need to break is this cycle of choosing abusive men and allowing yourself to be abused, which will no doubt be linked to everything you've already been through. That's the most important thing. Once you've done that and you can see that you can stand on your own two feet an that you're strong, you'll be able to slowly come to terms with the other issues that have clouded your life. You need to make yourself the most important thing in your life right now, not this abusive man. All the best.
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