A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Looking for some advice please. I have been going out with a guy for about 1 year. We are very close and moved in together about 5 months ago. It was the best thing we could have done and it was his suggestion as we'd been spending most nights together. He went back home (his family are from europe and he's been living in uk for about 5 years) for a week; when he came back we had missed each other so much and he said he thought we should bring forward living together. So all is going well. He is thoughtful considerate and quite emotional - he is always telling me how i am everything to him, am as important as his mother is (he is a "bit" of a mummys boy, but not too bad and to be fair he is thousands of miles away from his family) and how much he loves me. We talk about marriage and children from time to time and agree we would like that kind of life in a few years time. I am quite a paranoid and mistrusting person really as my parents divorced after 14 years because my dad had an affair with someone at work. I am still very close to both parents though and do believe in romance, although i probably have a more idealistic than realistic view of it. My boyfriends parents have been happily married for 30 years and he does not seem so worried about getting married. So despite all this sounding positive, I still am concerned. I'm 27, he's 28 and a lot of people we know are at the stage of getting engaged etc. NOT to say I want to get married right now but everytime it happens, i feel a twinge of jealousy and envy that it isn't me. My boyfriend says he can definitely see us getting married in about 2-3 years time, that we would probably have children after that. He said he wants certain things to be in place first, like moving from rented to mortgage, having a regular job (currently he is working shifts with no regular pattern) and having decent savings as he doesn't want to welcome kids into a world of debt or feel unable to buy them shoes etc. Today one of my other friends announced her engagement, although he likes them as a couple he said he thought it was stupid that they'd got engaged after 7 months and even though they have bought a house and (i think they must just know and want to crack on) he said it just seems too soon. He then went on to say that he couldn't necessarily see the big deal about getting married, that having kids was more of a commitment and that you could have children without getting married. A different story to yesterday. I told him that i have a different view of marriage, perhaps a more romantic view. He said that is normal and its normal to think about marriage when your friends get engaged. Ive told him i dont want to pressure him and despite what he thinks i dont want to get married right now, i just want to know that he does want the same thing as me, because thinking you want to marry someone is a massive deal not to take lightly, especially because my parents divorced because of an affair, so in theory i could be scared of marriage. He will often come home after midnight from a late shift and jump into bed and cuddle me hard and whisper how much he loves me and last week he said "one day we are going to get married and have babies aren't we?" and then the next day he called me just to ask what i thought about the "wedding idea". But then he says conflicting things a few days on.I tried to explain that if we want to be able to afford kids, then unfortunately 3-5 years probably wont be enough, if we were looking to save for a mortgage and then save for a wedding. And literally yesterday he said he wouldn't be sure about having kids without getting married. So a total contradiction to what he said today. Generally I would say he is a very traditional person and he told my mum once that he definitely wants what his parents have - a loving relationship built on respect and he is not idealistic, thinking that there has to be this passion all the time, that its not real life. My mum said she got a real sense from him about family values. He also told me that he used to be afraid of settling down because he was young but that i am his best and favourite girlfriend and he believes i will be his last girlfriend.I don't know that i've explained this especially well, but i just feel a bit confused. He doesn't generally go out much socially as because of his job he doesnt have many friends; says when he has free time, he'd rather spend it with me. He's taken a course for a new career because he said it will give us a more settled and stable and regular life which is a big compliment because when we met he had a career plan, which he has effectively abandoned-which also included him returning home to live. At the moment, although he has thought about us long term marriage etct, he says he cant even work out what next weeks shift is, let alone what his wedding will be like. That he just wants to get some stability and routine first for us.So am i being emotional about the fact my friend has just got married and a bit unsympathetic to his changes in life to try to make us a future? He saves money every month and does like us to live a bit of a high life at times, but he is also big on cuddling and staying in or just going out from time to time to a party night, type thing.I definitely dont think he is ready for marriage, I think he needs a few years - which is what he is saying, but the contradictions make me unsure as to whether he is thinking that way really or putting me off. Help, I'm confused?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, i went back to the conversation about 2 years later, as all of the things that he wanted to happen before further commitment did happen, the mortgage, the job. When there was nothing left for him to hold on to to buy him time, he broke up with me. But i am glad. Because i dont have to get divorced or worry about bringing up children alone. I dont have to see him again and now know he was not the right man for me :) thanks for your advice. I should have actually listened and gone back to the conversation earlier, in 6 months.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (13 July 2009):
 Give it time. He is still working out his mental kinks about it. It sounds like you both are going in the same direction, though. So ease up, revisit the conversation in 6 months to a year and see what he says then.
Good luck.
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