A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Would love opinions on this. When dating a man with a child and exwife, is it wrong for my feelings to be taken into consideration too? I would never keep someone away from their child, in this case a teenager (they share custody). My problem is the ex calls my boyfriend for all sorts of stuff and he keeps me waiting while doing favors for her. She does live with another man. His son is in a lot of activities and she is at all of them, making sure we see her and tries to sit a few feet away from us, it is all the time. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about how uncomfortable it makes me and we got in a huge fight. He gives me flowers and tells me about the time he gave them to her...I don't think he tries to hurt me, but it does. I'm fine with him putting his son first as he should, but I feel he puts her needs above mine.Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): yeah I agree you should dump him. standing you up without even a phone call is just plain RUDE and disrespectful to one's partner, no matter the reason (unless it was a medical emergency).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I decided I'm better off finding someone unattached. He kept me waiting more times I can count without so much as a phone call whenever she needed something.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Is he really doing favors for HER, or his he doing FATHERLY duties because she asks him to? Maybe he is the kind of guy that needs to be told directly some Dad Duties? If he is doing her a kindness, chances are she does him a kindness too? The marriage might be over, but a respectful relationship is still intact with helpful tasks?
Get over the fact that she sits near you at functions. Get along in public for the sake of the kids. Seeing both parents at a function is good for them.
Understand what parenting agreement they have. Do they have a set schedule, etc. Consider that you do not need to attend all the son's functions if it makes you uncomfortable that Mom is there. That is not going to change.
Pick your battles carefully with the bf. Gauge when your esteem feels a little dented (his mentioning of the flowers) and when he is just outright inconsiderate.
Accept that he had a past committment to this woman, but now the committment is shift into parent role. You are his gf and obviously you have a big role in his life now since you are invited to functions where his son is. Depending on the seriousness of your relationship, longevity, etc your relationship is still in a growing stage. Do not compare your needs with the exes needs. They are going to be different. This is not a terratorial power struggle.
Your needs SHOULD be met if they are reasonable. Alone time, time with just him and the kids (but not at any school or sports related functions or something similiar. Those are family times.), vacations, etc.
Talk to your bf where you envision healthy and reasonable boundaries. No her vs. me talk! That causes defense, anger, fights...
He IS going to reflect on things from his past relationship with his wife. That is NOT a rejection of you. Sometimes, all it is is just an acknowledgement or a flashback to a different time. Sometimes men can just be boneheads.
Figure out ways together, without dicussing the former spouse, HOW to make your own relationship a priority and special.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (13 October 2011):
I think your bf's exwife is out of line, and he's wrong for not defining and setting and maintaining clear boundaries with her.
She doesn't respect that he's not married to her anymore, and that he has a right to live a life without her. and that as non-spouses, she's invading his personal boundaries if she calls on him often for favors. (how does this make her new bf/husband feel?)
She's using their kids as pawns to control him, still. Unfortunately this happens often. Even though the marriage is legally over, one person is still under the control of the other to some degree because they share children and thus can't cut each other out of their lives completely.
He's allowing it, maybe out of guilt or fear that not doing so will get him labeled as a bad father. Or maybe he really isn't completely over her.
Your bf probably gets angry if you talk to him about it because he feels trapped or caught in between you.
I don't think you should let this issue go, because clearly it's destructive to your relationship. But I think how you talk to him about it is very important. Don't be accusing or blaming. Don't tell him what he should and shouldn't be doing. Try to understand his feelings and his perspectives without criticizing or judging them, and then share yours, and tell him you'd like to work out a compromise.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 It makes perfect sense that you felt uncomfortable when his ex acts like a light bulb in front of your family. You said you tried to talk to him and it ended in a fight. No one's needs is above another. You are all equal. Your husband should learn how to handle his emotions and not lash out at you. He was angry not because you brought this subject up. I guess it's a mixture of anxiety and tension he felt and it accumulated until he exploded. Men are known to hide feelings and bottle them up. His ex stepped over him. She might have gotten a man not because she loves him but she wants to show the world that she is still desirable, otherwise she won't be obsessing your husband so much. She might even be doing this on purpose hoping that you and your husband will have marriage troubles. He is still having guilts over the marriage breakdown so he wants his boy to see his mommy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): I hate to say it, but no matter what, she'll always have a place in his life. She gave him his only living son. I don't believe he should be putting her needs above yours, but he will always care for her in a way that the father of her child should. Also, the things he does for her could be also affecting his son positively too, so perhaps thats why hes doing it.
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