A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please help. 9 years ago I had an affair with a married man. I am also married. It ended after about 3-4 months and I was devastated. It took a few months but I got over him, never contacted him again and got on with my life. Now 9 years later he has contacted me again. For 6 weeks we have been texting and phoning each other. He was so keen to re-kindle the affair and I must admit so was I. Now in the 7th week he has hardly contacted me. His texts say he he will call me later but he doesnt. I resigned myself to not contact him at all and after 3 days decided, very sadly that it was over and probably for the best. Then suddenly this morning I get a text saying that he wants to meet up next week. I waited a few hours (not wanting to seem to eager) and texted back saying okay when next week and now suddenly once again he has gone quiet on me. I dont understand why he is "playing games". Why did he contact me in the first place after 9 years? Why be eager and then cool off? I just dont know what to do?
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male
reader, catalina25  +, writes (25 November 2008):
This guy may not need to be given a break as far as your relationship is concerned. But if you would like to understand it, here is a thought. Not long ago I contacted an old girl friend to apologize for a similar type behavior. She is married now. And it all happened a long time ago. But I felt it needed an apology. My excuse was/is; I found out, long after she was gone, that I had a very bad clinical depression. And this was a large part of the hurry up/slow down, hot/cold part of our relationship. Get close and then withdraw. It was not something done consciously. Or to be a playa. But when I discovered it, and it was treated, the depression became better. And then and only then was I able to see some of the things I had done. She said she appreciated me telling her. That she now understood my hot/cold behaviour. This is a short explanation of a complex thing.
Yours may be different as you and he are married. Maybe this makes it a different dynamic. Not staying involved is the right answer. But give the guy a slight break until you feel you know for certain the why. Which you probably never will. But when a person acts strange, try not to be too judgemental. It is hard to do when hurt. You can never know exactly what is going on in someones head, so it becomes necessary to give them a break. You can refuse to play for sure. Can't help but be hurt. But assume they have a good explanation. You just don't know it. And that it is not personal.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): Update to my original question. Well its all over. I think he was playing me all along and that is what I am telling myself to keep myself from crying. He had no intentions of coming to see me tomorrow and I finally got the guts to send a text and end it. He denied playing me but I am 45 not 25. I have deleted his number from my phone and although totally devastated I am also relieved. I am still at a loss as to understand why he contacted me again after all these years. Maybe it was to fuel his own ego which must be scraping on the floor. I am going to try and move on and not dwell but it is so very hard. He was just so compatible with me in the bedroom but that was all it was and although I thought that would be enough for me deep down I probably know that seeing him on an ad hoc basis would not have been enough and it would have ended with me feeling worse than I do now if that is possible. I have a good friend who I am seeing tomorrow who knows about all this. Without the thought of seeing her tomorrow and crying on her shoulder I dont think I could have lasted the day today. Thank you to everyone who has commented on my problem you guys have been a support that I have really needed and I am so thankful that I discovered this site to be able to ask advice. Why are some men just pure evil? I hope he gets what he deserves for almost bringing me to my knees :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): Update to my question. Well thank you to the Anonymous reader for her comments. I have spoken with a close friend who is in a similar predicament and I think I am just gonna go for it. Give it one more shot. After all it is 9 years we might not feel the same way when we meet up again. The sex might not be as good although I am pretty sure it will be. I can be very uninhibited with this man because I dont live with him. I just hope that I can "play with him" as you put it. I am a pretty strong person and definitely stronger than when it first started 9 years ago. He gave me back my sexual self confidence back then and that was a good thing just hope that I dont lose that confidence? I will keep you all updated. We are supposed to meet up tomorrow but he is reknowned for cancelling at the last moment so I wont hold my breath. Have arranged lunch with a friend in case tomorrow goes pear shaped!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): I think you can definitely play with him, as long as you understand that it's all just for fun. From my experiences, you don't need to respond to little meaningless messages. If he wants to see you, he would plan where and when he wants to get together. Wait till you get one of those messages with substance, then you can decide whether you want to go or not. Also, don't make yourself available all the time. You want to be mysterious and unpredictable. Try not replying to his messages or saying you can't make it in a very nice and polite way once a while. He will try harder! But remember, you need to approach this the same way as he does, as a game with no strings attached. Have fun and always have a fabulous and interesting life on the side! He will only be the spices you can do with or without on your already delicious dinner entree! Enjoy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): This guy is a total head fuck! He wants to have a hot piece of you then go back to his normal life! PLEASE PLEASE DONT MEET HIM!! Course he's found his voice he's horny!! You're a gorgeous lady and he remembers how good it was but its only about sex. Yes you will enjoy it at the time, but after you will feel used and confused and he won't be in contact until he wants a piece again. You will be left hanging on and obsessing - you must delete his number and ignore him - I know what strength this will take - I've been in your situaiton, but join evening classes, meet new friends and learn to love and respect yourself - this guy is beneath you! Just pity his poor wife!! I doubt you are the first and you definitely won't be the last! Sorry to sound harsh but you need to see him for who he really is - the great guy he is when your with him is just an act so he can get what he wants. Good luck.xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): Update to my question. I have heard from him. He texted frequently yesterday. Says he wants to see me. I know what I should do and that is walk away but my heart is saying give it one more go. Just be with him once more? I think I will just have to give it one more shot and hope that that is enough to get him out of my system.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): Since my question there has been many texts today. He seems to suddenly have found his voice again? Once again I am in a quandary I know I should walk away but my heart is saying "see him one more time". I know that probably if I do see him one more time it wont be once if it is anything like 9 years ago but then any misery that comes my way will be my own fault. Sometimes you have to be hurt to see the true person. Watch this space and I will follow up with what happens next week when we meet up after 9 years!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): My experience may help its not the same but.... I saw a married guy for a couple of years really made me upset and depressed in the end could not handle it. We were both married but I was living apart from my husband he was still cosy with kids with his wife. In the end I stopped it because it made me ill. 3 years on I have had a weak spell of feeling low and guess what I did i text him and asked for advice because I knew I would hear from him. He started to get interested again via text but I can tell he has not changed and he is still the manipulator and control freak that a lot of these guys are - he said he'd bought me a present and wanted my address to post it to me - I have seen this before he then gets obsessed and he takes over my life playing with me - so I never gave him it and saw his pattern of behaviour more clearly this time. I have realised this now and feel stupid for being weak. In some way you are both being weak - try and be strong. It does not work second time around for the same reasons it never worked the first time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): I am afraid that Aunty Em is right, he has been toying you. You are the mistress whom he embraces one day and abandons on the other. It is not wise to let a player like him to ruin your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): I speak from almost identical experience (bar the time lag of several years) and I can tell you now you are just boosting his ego / esteem. He has dug you up from the history in his mind and thought I know I'll see if she is still interested and I've still 'got it'... but don't want to get too close in case she gets demanding again. You are an easy target because there is a likely chance you still have feelings for him so he has a head start. I say move on and this time really really mean it I think you are de-valuing yourself. If necessary change your phone.
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A
female
reader, epifanatical  +, writes (13 September 2008):
 OMG please wake up to this player.. he is a manipulator extrodinaire.. the sooner you realise this and stop reacting everytime he presumably appears sweet.. then goes off again.. the better.. let him be sweetee.. why not put more effort into your marriage?.. your partner deserves more of you than this cretin ever will.. go on rekindle the spark there.. best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, Aunty Em +, writes (13 September 2008):
 Why does it matter why he is hot/cold? He IS playing with you. Basically, he has you on demand. You're married - and your mistery partner has no respect for you. Stay within your marriage. If you're so unhappy that you'd rather be unfaithful - split from your husband and then you're free to do as you like!
But I think you're being childish. Give up the guy who disrespects you - think he can have you whenever he likes. You're worth more than that surely? Work on your marriage.
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