A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello agony aunts and uncles It’s never a good sign when I appeal to the internet but here goes. I fell crazy in love with someone but he had a lot of financial issues. I still dated him and loaned him money which he did repay me for. Now that he’s finally stable, partially thanks to my career advice, he bought me a fake piece of jewelry for my birthday. Yes I was petty and looked up the cost which was 20 dollars. He said I’m materialistic for not liking it. I was understanding for Christmas and Valentines Day and I had hoped I’d get something special for sticking out a rough few months. I even helped get his kids Christmas gifts because he didn’t have enough. When we see his kids, I chip in so they can have a good time because I’m a child of divorce too. I work, cook and clean. I even do his laundry. I feel really unappreciated and spent the evening in tears because we didn’t go anywhere either. Is he oblivious or selfish? Otherwise, he treats me well. I’m just so hurt he finally could splurge on me and said he didn’t because I’m greedy and we have only been dating less than a year. However, he had no problem borrowing money despite me barely knowing him. I could have easily lost the loan. I really don’t think I’m being greedy because I overlooked his dire situation and helped out quite a bit when his family wouldn’t. I’mGuessing he is saying that as an excuse. Thanks for reading.
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christmas, divorce, money, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, elmo2051  +, writes (27 April 2018):
You are a good woman..wish i had a woman like you. Its time you cut your losses for you deserve better!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 April 2018):
 I say get your money back and break up with him.
While I don't think the amount you spend on a gift is the MAJOR point here... The calling you greedy for not being over the moon for some costume jewelry is petty of him. He didn't like the fact that you 1. figured out how cheap he is and 2. aren't just grateful for that crumb he tossed.
If he believes he shouldn't spend money on you because you have dated SUCH a short time, then he shouldn't have borrowed money of you and he CERTAINLY shouldn't have allowed you to spend money on his kids. and he shouldn't have bought you jewelry either. THAT is for ESTABLISHED couples, and he clearly "claims" you are not that.
He sounds like a user. A selfish user.
My guess is, if you don't dump him... he will dump you when he is back on his feet because he knows you are worth 10 of him.
However, like most of the aunt and uncles pointed out... He didn't DO this TO you. YOU volunteered a loan. You volunteered buying his "poor" kids presents, you volunteered career advice.... etc. etc.
You basically DID all the work that a LONG TERM GF or spouse would do. Without BEING that long term.
NEVER lend money in a relationship. Money makes people act in weird ways. I think he partly feels emasculated by you (not that you TRIED to emasculate him.)
NEVER be the one to give give give - if you get little in return (and I'm not talking prices on gifts here)
What you have with him is uneven. You give give give and don't get much in return. While I don't think ANY relationship should be transactional or tit-for-tat - I also don't think it's smart to stay in a relationship that is uneven.
He is lashing out, like a kid towards a parent who caught them in a lie or "bad" action.
Loaning him money... doesn't mean he will be grateful towards you and it doesn't mean he will now OWE you.
Calling you greedy is just the beginning, I think. You keep dating him and he will keep trying to chip away at you.
He might even have done this whole "cheap" gift thing on purpose to push you away.
You have seen him at his worst (at least financially) where his family wouldn't even help him out... That can cause resentment on his part.
Last, but not least. I think if he had bought something extravagant that would have been a bigger issue. Because that shows he isn't very responsible with his money. and that he soon could be in financial problems due to over spending.
What you have to decide is, IS he a good partner FOR YOU?
If he really isn't, then... let him go. Find someone who is a better match.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 April 2018):
Wait a minute! So he had the audacity to say that you are greedy and he didn't get you a good gift because you've just been dating for a year. However, he has no problems borrowing money from you, have you washing his clothes, buying gifts for children and basically doing everything that a wife would do for him!!
Please tell me how you're not being able to see the obvious OP!! He's not oblivious and neither is he selfish. He's just a terrible person who's taking you for a ride because you're the goose that lays the golden eggs for him.
There's no need for him to spend any money on you because you've made yourself so available to him and surrendered yourself to such an extent that he thinks you're his willing slave.
Do read Chigirl's wonderful article on how to avoid being used financially in relationships.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-avoid-being-used-financially.html
Remember, if you don't leave now, this is how the rest of your life is going to be. He's going to throw crumbs in your way once in a while-a few kind words here and there to keep you hooked- while exploiting you to the fullest. He's going to basically corrode you from the inside and while you think that things are mostly fine on the outside, you'll slowly get to see the damage that's been done already.
Break up with him immediately OP. Not because of the cheap gift but because of what it represents and the sentiments behind it. Would you, in your worst moments, spoken to him or anyone like that? No, right? That just goes to show how cheap and disgusting he is. You don't have to chip in for his kids because they are not YOUR responsibility! Be nice to them but don't go overboard. You've set yourself up to be treated like dirt because this man doesn't understand the language of kindness. There is absolutely no need for you to do his laundry and cook and clean for him. Why are you willingly turning into a maid for someone who doesn't appreciate our deserve you?
Break up with him immediately and tell him exactly why you're dumping him. Let's see where he stands then.
Be strong
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 April 2018):
 Many thoughts on this one.
Why do you treat him like a child? You are effectively taking on the roll of his mother in this relationship. You take care of all his needs, even down to career advice, loaning him money when he needs it and subsidizing his children.
Next, why did you loan him the money? Was it to help him back on his feet, or was it so he would feel he owed you and had to "repay" your kindness with expensive gifts when he was back on his feet? I would have been putting far more importance on the thought which had gone into the gift than how much it cost. Was it something you liked before you looked up the price? I think looking up the price was not only "petty" as you yourself admit, but also singularly ungrateful if he put thought into the present.
It sounds like he bought the cheap gift to make a point - that you are materialistic. I am not saying you are wrong in being that way as you are what you are. However, he is trying to change you into being more like him, which would ring alarm bells for me. What is he going to try to change about you next?
You complain about his behaviour (accepting money from you, letting you do everything for him, etc) yet you yourself OFFER these things to him. You can't offer and then complain when someone takes advantage.
This is a new relationship. You should be negotiating boundaries and relationship rules. You should be moulding it into what you want, rather than sitting crying. If you want to go out, why don't YOU suggest it instead of waiting for him to do it?
I am not sure what you mean when you say "otherwise, he treats me well" but you obviously believe this relationship has substance to it, otherwise you would not still be there. All I can see from your post (not a lot to go on admittedly, and we don't have HIS side of the story) is a dysfunctional relationship in which one side does most of the work and the giving while the other side happily accepts the benefits of being with someone who has their head screwed on financially while making fun of them for being that way and trying to change them. Maybe you just need to accept that he is never going to make grand financial gestures because he is not that way inclined? Or maybe you need to find yourself someone who is more attuned to your way of thinking about finances. Only you can decide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2018): He's a broke-guy with kids. Living in a separate household and paying child-support strains a budget. Your timing is bad, and he isn't a good choice.
You volunteered your financial-assistance. Whether he accepted or not; you offered in a time of need. If it was helping with the kids; maybe his back was to the wall. That's proof that he was a bad choice, and your timing couldn't be worse. You decided in spite of all that's working against you, you still want him.
If you pick a broke-man, this is what you get. Especially a broke-guy with kids.
Do you want love or his gratitude? Your post was about gifts, and all you've done for him. If it's payback you want, send him a bill.
He's a bad match. He can't afford to offer gifts; and if he started with financial-problems and he has kids, that's always going to be an issue.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (21 April 2018):
 It's obvious you love him more than he loves you. Money can't buy love. If someone risked and loaned me money without knowing me much, I would be so grateful that I would want to marry that person. Men don't work that way. They want to be the hero, the savior. Right now he feels difficult to catch up with you. You did everything for him so there's no room for him to fall in love with you. If he reciprocates just a little, it's catch up game, it won't be coming from love.
Don't act like a wife unless a man proposes to you. We as women have to be careful about who we fall in love with. As we bond physically with men, it stirs out romantic chemicals that cloud our judgment. Our yearning for love does not care about practicality. Men decide to be in a relationship only if he feels he can make you happy. But at the start, the basic requirement is that he's attracted to you and feels connected to you. I don't know how you guys met but at that time he's at a low place in life. I am not sure if he's with you now because he's indebted to you and feels obligated or waiting for his feelings to come along. Just because you helped him out does not mean that would inspire him to love you.
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