A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles, I recently joined an internet dating site, after my long term partner and I split up, as I thought it would be a good way to meet people. I initially went on for friendship (with men and women .... i do already have my own circle of friends but thought it would be nice to have new interactions) and I have met some really nice people on the site.I met in particular a guy, who i seemed to 'click' with and he said he clicked with me and so on ... He lives and works in Italy and we have been chatting over the internet during March and April. I was quite cool at first and he seemed very keen and he said he wanted to come over and visit asap. I suggested waiting until early June as he is doing a degree in addition to his job and has exams. We had lots and lots of contact (including some naughty texting) etc and over the last couple of weeks he has been revising for his exams which are due the last week in May so the contact has been a lot less. He has said all along he has exams etc ... and i have often said to him that i don't want to bother him when he is studying etc ... (I have this 'thing' about bothering people when they are studying cos i know how stressful it can be) so over the last few weeks we have only had very little contact, a couple of texts and an email .. i initiated the last email and he sent a nice response .... The thing is, i was being suspicious and thinking he could contact a bit more of make a bit more effort .... am i being over suspicious? i know how exams 'get' some people but i just don't want to be misreading an y signs of polite 'backing off' - all of the texts and emails i have had in the last 2 weeks have been 'i like you and remember i want you i'm just so damn busy with these exams and work' and 'catch you very soon' etc etc .... We both have a shared hobby of photography and he asked me to send him pics i had taken (of landscapes and places) etc so i thought 'if he has time to check his emails for pics he has time to send a quick text'? or am i just being unreasonable! We haven't met yet but the plan is/was to meet up after his exams (he said he will come to London). I have been rather paranoid after my ex parter and I split up because that was an abusive relationship so any comments here would be helpful. Thanks very much x
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male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 I don't think you're being unreasonable... but I do think you're being a bit too paranoid. I've only recently become aware of the European system for exams (it's completely different in the States), so it seems like he would be exceptionally busy trying to do everything required. That said, I think you need to back off a bit and let him do his thing. As you said, some people completely back off from all communication and bury themselves in libraries etc.
I'd say let him finish (because I'm sure you know when that is) and wait to see what happens with your London hook-up.
Last point... and it's generally easier to say than practice. It's an issue of excess baggage from previous relationships. I would say that you need to release the suspicions you carried over from your last relationship. In other words, just because your ex was abusive, does that immediately apply to every man you will meet from that point on? You're projecting and you should at least be mindful that you are doing it.
Good luck and have fun when your Italian sets foot in London!!
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