A
female
age
41-50,
*reeflo
writes:Sorry if its long and confusingA few weeks ago I realised that i had feelings for one of my male friends. We have been friends for a few months now, and one night when we were in each others company these feelings just suddenly appeared. And to me it was like he felt the same as he was a bit more touchy with me. Over the past few weeks any time we met he would always give me a big kiss on the lips (here everyone always hugs and kisses the cheek when saying hello or good bye) and was really touchy feely with me again and when we were saying good bye it was the same a big kiss on the lips. One of his closest friend is my friend as well and when I told her about how i felt she got excited and said "I knew it" she also said that it was not just me as he felt the same as well and that he told her he kissed me and was always asking after me. A few days later though she was totally different about it and I found it hard to talk to her about it if i mentioned it she became quite short with me. She said she wasn`t sure how he felt and maybe he was after a bit of fun who knows (I thought she might know something but as the week went on it seemed more like she was jealous). Last week I made a bit of a comment that maybe I should forget about him and she said yeah maybe you should. I had a few drinks in me and was a bit upset and spilled my heart out about how I felt. The next day she returned to their city and later that night he rang me saying that I was to get the bus there the next and go with him somewhere else for the holiday weekend. He said he had been talking to her but nothing was said about the previous night but i am sure she would of said something to him. (there is alot more to the story about the friend but it will take too long) Long story short it felt like she wanted to keep us apart.Anyway I went to his for the weekend (she didnt go) and spent time with his family and there he was the same with me again hugging me, putting his arms around me, wee kisses on the head pulling me to sit on his knee etc in front of his family. We stayed in same room but different beds. That was on the 1st day, but the next day he wasnt as touchy as he had been the day before, i was going home that day and he took me to the bus waited with me for 30 mins till the bus came, when it came i said thank you and bye but he got out of the car and went to the bus with me gave me a hug and kiss (on cheek this time) and waited till i was on the bus and it pulled off till he went back to his car. Please help does he like me and is too nervous to anything about it or do i have it all wrong.to help understand the friend situation better we are both single and go out together also i am foreigner in her country and at times it feels like she likes having me and using me to bring the men over as she will always make a point of pointing out im a foreigner.
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female
reader, freeflo +, writes (1 May 2011):
freeflo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks cerberus for all your advice, its all great. And i have taken it in. You mentioned abt the holiday romance and i dont think its that as i am here 9 months and will be for a while, he has told me i am not allowed to go home when i mentioned about returning and said if i did he would come after me and drag me back that i belong here now,lol. But thanks again i do appriciate it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Most of the points remain the same. The best thing would be to discuss this with him without any assumptions. Ask him out or ask him would he consider taking your relationship to the next level and dating.
If your girl friend really is that kind of snidey bitch then it may well be possible he does like you and she doesn't want to lose the 'fun Irish girl' that attracts all the men, to a relationship with him. Then again she doesn't have to be that kind of bad person to react that way either, some people are very territorial with their friends that way. You know what it's like to lose a fun friend to a serious relationship. That doesn't mean she's not being selfish though.
Don't judge her negatively quite yet, but do watch your back with her. Whatever happens you know you have to be wide of her and you have go directly to this guy and not let her mess it up whether intentionally or not. Look this guy may just see you as a bit of holiday fun if you know what I mean, you did let him kiss you on the lips without asking him what was up with that, I assume you don't let all your male friends do that and I also think if you were back home and one of your male friends did that you wouldn't be having this issue right now because you would have said something or found out what the deal is by now.
In Ireland you'd probably be able to that indirectly by asking around because everyone knows everyone here and someone would tell you. You don't have that luxury there.
The "foreign girl" thing still applies though. You know from seeing how they're treated in Ireland or through your own experiences that men tend to take a lot more liberties with them. I lived in Europe for a good few years and as an Irish guy I could get away with doing almost whatever I wanted. If I crossed a line then they'd put it down to me being culturally ignorant, that's how the Irish do it kind of thing.
Whether what he's doing is a normal thing in his culture or whatever it's not in your culture, so you have to stay Irish, stay true to your principles and be assertive. If this was just a fun, friendly bit of flirting and you had no feelings for him then everything would be fine. But that's not the case, you do have feelings for him and you have to protect those feelings. So you essentially have to either get him to start dating or cut back on the flirting and affection. If he's not interested in you then having your feelings fed, bit by bit will quickly become painful, you don't need that kind of hassle.
Keep your other friend out of this, no need to get her involved and if she reacts negatively, again be assertive with her. Don't fight with her but don't put up with any bullshit either. OP do remember your status there though, you are a foreigner and it does matter. Friendships in a foreign land take an age to build up but they always start on terms of usefulness. You're living in another persons country, they have all their social network completely built up there, family, friends etc. whether you like it or not they don't need you at all. You start off as a novelty and you remain like that for as long as you are useful to them. That's how it works with all friends really, you have to contribute something of value to a persons life to develop a good friendship. If that value is a fun drinking buddy that is always up for a laugh and attracts guys then don't feel used, that's just the way things are. Until you become something else in her life, someone she relies on for other more meaningful things then be satisfied with that role and just be aware that when that usefulness is under threat, such as if you were to get into a relationship and no longer went out to hunt guys with her that stuff can happen.
Above all though as a guy who has been the "foreigner" for years, learn to use that to your advantage, you can be and act pretty much any way you want. If being forthright and assertive is something you deem not to be a part of your personality then there is no better place to make it so than another country. Essentially what I'm saying is you have all the freedom in the world to do what you want, try not to play these silly he said, she said games. Just cut to the chase and take what you want. In this situation this guy is it, so stop fooling around and get right to making it happen. You're not some dainty, fragile Victorian woman waiting for the Lord of the manor to put a ring on your finger, you're a strong, independent, modern Irish woman living in another country. It's up to you to make things happen and get what you want. Life's too short to just piss in the wind hoping everyone else will do things for you, make moves and sort everything out and no matter whether the custom there is for the guy to do all the chasing (the same as it is here) You can do it instead without people judging you as a slut because you're foreign and for all they know being forward and assertive is what Irish women are like.
What I'm saying is play with the foreigner thing a bit, push some boundaries and have some fun. As far as this guy goes then enough is enough, you're letting your feelings be played with, you're letting this situation get beyond your control because you're sitting back doing nothing. Time to change that.
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A
female
reader, freeflo +, writes (28 April 2011):
freeflo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok i need to straighten out a few things i am irish but moved to south america a few months back so its not an Irish guy that is causing the problems. And he is not just her friend but mine as well but yes he has known her longer.And when all of this is going on between me and him neither of us has had a drop of drink in us. Im afraid to say anything as i have been burnt before bad and I protect myself put up a wall. Also our other friends have noticed it between us aswell.About the friend you need to know the full story about that as i left lots out, she is a type of person who likes all the male attention on her and will do anything to get that attention and using me is one of her games if we are out she will say 'oh go over and talk to those guys they are cute' if i say no she moans and says they are cute i want to meet them. And there has been other stuff like that aswell. Where it involves her and men and using me as a show piece.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Im from Ireland and that is very true about irish guys, they are the biggest players, its like one big poker game for them and they really know how to play mind games.That guy just wants sex off you,if he is really touchy and feely and kissing you on the lips, but not saying his intentions, well then he just wants sex, id tell him to get lost. Friends do not behave like that with eachother,I certainly wouldnt with my male friends and they wouldnt with me but yet at the same time he isnt saying how he feels towards you, so he is messing with your head to get you into bed.As for your friend i think she sees what is going on and she is trying to spare your feelings, if that was one of my friends i would just say out straight, he's using you! but she probably doesnt want to get too involved.Tell this guy you know he's trying to play you and watch his face. Then steer clear from him, he's one of the many irish guys that want to "try" a foreign girl its a bit of a novelty for them so don't be fooled.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): I don't think he likes you that way at all. Firstly your friend thought he was by the way he speaks about you and how he kisses you all the time. She seemed excited at that moment when she assumed he's interested too.
Yet a few days later, when you know deep down she definitely asked him about that, she seemed to deflect you completely. That sounds like she asked him and he said no. Otherwise why was she suddenly so short with you about it, when she had been excited when she thought he did like you. It's not jealousy on her part, she wouldn't have liked hearing that the first time you told her if that was the case, she would have told you he was no good or something like that.
Freeflo if you want to know exactly what you mean to him then you have to understand the underlying politics of the situation. When your friend said this "maybe he was after a bit of fun who knows" she was really telling you that this is what he sees you as without becoming directly involved in what will become a messy situation between two of her friends. You have to remember that he's her close friend, she can't betray him by telling you that straight out so she told you how he feels in a roundabout way without actually messing things up for him. Plus she probably didn't want to be the one to break your heart about it and crush you when you like this guy. It seems to me like she was very eager at the start when she thought he liked you and then when she found out he didn't she decided it was best if she backed out of the situation and not got caught in the middle.
Freeflo you're looking at your friend in the wrong way to be honest, she's probably just trying to watch your back. You and this guy are the ones playing childish games, kissing on the lips and flirting yet doing nothing about it. If you like this guy then tell him, it's not a good idea to start blaming your friend for nothing happening, calling her jealous etc when it's this guy who is playing you and you're letting him by not saying anything. Your friend is just trying to stay out of it.
The past few weeks you and this guy have been acting like teenagers kissing, hugging, sitting on laps all that other drunken stuff and he sees it as a bit of fun, exactly what your friend told you because he hasn't made any attempt to take it further with you and you haven't told him how you feel either. freeflo no guy who blatantly does that kind of thing is nervous. I mean come on he kisses you on the lips in front of everyone, that's not nervous, that's his idea of a bit of fun.
So either tell him you like him, ask him and get this done with or just keep being his toy, assuming he likes you only to find out later that he was only messing around. freeflo there are plenty of people around that will act like that with you because you let them, it doesn't mean anything to them and it's probably a bit of drunken fun, it's you that's going to hurt in this and you risk alienating your friend too with all your mad assumptions. Either do it or don't, but stop wrecking your head trying to guess what's going on or the situation will just pass you out and you won't have either of them anymore. Stop pissing about wondering and find out from him if he likes you, otherwise this game is just going to continue.
"to help understand the friend situation better we are both single and go out together also i am foreigner in her country and at times it feels like she likes having me and using me to bring the men over as she will always make a point of pointing out im a foreigner."
What is the first thing people notice when they first start talking to you? It's that you're foreign right? I bet you hate that too. I bet you hate that that's the first thing people point out and ask you about when they meet you. So isn't possible that she's just trying to protect you from that and tell them first so they don't annoy with you that every time you talk to someone new?
What makes you think she uses you to bring men over? Are you a very forward girl when you're out? Are you one of these girls that's always being chatted up or something? Finally if you do always bring men over then how is she using you for that?
There are so many possibilities to this but it's best if you ask her. Perhaps you and she are very close and she likes you as more than a friend. Perhaps she wants you all to herself or perhaps she knows you're kind of crap at the guy thing and she just wants to protect you from the players you attract in clubs and pubs.
Believe or not and like it or not, foreigners are a players favourite game here in Ireland, I have some foreign friends and they just don't get that guys here don't approach a girl in a bar with the intention of just being friends. Especially Easter European girls. When Irish guys invite you back to a party or back to your place it's because they want to get laid. Because they think that Eastern European girls are easy and you want to know my honest opinion they pretty much are too. I have quite a few female friends from that part of the world and they get used all the time because they think that Irish guys are just being nice. Funnily enough they tend to do all that kind of kissing and hugging stuff that you do too, thinking it matters when it's just a bit of fun to those guys. But Irish girls wouldn't let some guy kiss them like that without asking him what he was thinking or why he was doing that, they wouldn't just let a guy get some of that without making him explain why and if they did, it was because it was bit of fun for them too and if that girl liked the guy who was kissing her on the lips goodbye, she'd drag him close and keep kissing him more passionately.
You have a lot to learn, we Irish will take what you give us, always if you don't demand anything in return we'll just keep on taking without giving anything back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): A man his age should have no trouble asking a woman out at his age. He also didn't try anything. You guys just sound like friends unless you just want to have casual sex with him...he'd probably go for that but not a relationship.
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A
female
reader, jodieleigh +, writes (27 April 2011):
 ok just tell the guy how you feel .... he does like you after everything.. as for your friend just keep your relationship with this guy out of her nose. she doesnt need to know about you and the guy. and if she keeps acting up confront her.
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