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anonymous
writes:To make a long story short, I met a man and neither of us had a desire to be anymore than friends. Well, we fell deeply in love anyway! He's 59, I am 51. We dated and were together for 8 great months untill he lost his job and couldn't find another, most likely because of the age. He had no choice but to move back to his home state, half way across the U.S. We had talked about me joining him, and I would in a heart beat but since he has gotten back there, he doesn't talk about our future together. I feel like I am inviting myself to be with him. He says he loves me but the phone calls are short and long in between them. I feel like we are soul mates and supposed to be together for ever as he felt the same. Now I'm feeling like I am the only one who wants this, by way of his actions or lack of. He says he wants all the same things but he doesn't act like it when we talk. I don't want to seem too eager or desperate and push him away. What should I do with the insecurity I am feeling? It has only been a week since he left but at our age, there is no time for games and emotional hurt. How do I know if he doesn't want the same things anymore but is sparing my feelings? Thanks for your help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi! This is to Windbreeze and Denise 32:
Thanks again for the advice, I couldn't agree with you more! I would like to give you a bit of history though. At one point we did talk about moving in together,when he had his job. We had plans... He moved to Missouri, I live in Oregon. He has roots there. We also have talked about me moving back there. We talked everyday on his way back there and it ended as soon as he got there. He did call a couple days later to let me know he was okay which eased my mind. I was planning to go back there around the New Year at my expense but he doesn't want me to untill he can pay for it. I am going to do what you said and give him some time and support. I feel rather silly to have been so blind as to his state of mind. I do agree that if it is to be, it will be and I can't push that issue. I just got caught up in the whole thought of him not being here and the ache in my stomach that won't go away. Once again, Thanks to you both for keepnig me from blowing it all and bringing me back to earth. Take care! Deni
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi! This is to Windbreeze and Denise 32:
Thanks again for the advice, I couldn't agree with you more! I would like to give you a bit of history though. At one point we did talk about moving in together,when he had his job. We had plans... He moved to Missouri, I live in Oregon. He has roots there. We also have talked about me moving back there. We talked everyday on his way back there and it ended as soon as he got there. He did call a couple days later to let me know he was okay which eased my mind. I was planning to go back there around the New Year at my expense but he doesn't want me to untill he can pay for it. I am going to do what you said and give him some time and support. I feel rather silly to have been so blind as to his state of mind. I do agree that if it is to be, it will be and I can't push that issue. I just got caught up in the whole thought of him not being here and the ache in my stomach that won't go away. Once again, Thanks to you both for keepnig me from blowing it all and bringing me back to earth. Take care! Deni
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reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 November 2010):
 P.S. One more thought: You said you wish he'd realize it would be easier with two incomes. I strongly recommend that you NOT push on that at this time. You've only been dating a short time and he most likely isn't ready yet to think of living together.
No, let him (if he does) come to the idea of two incomes on his own......
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reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 November 2010):
Excellent advice from Windbreeze! And glad I was able to help......you may have to be the one doing the calling - as she says - after 7:00 p.m. - at the moment.
Don't offer him a loan - he may be too proud to take it - but as I mentioned, if you have any contacts in the business world you might put him in touch with them and as mentioned before, pass on any job leads you come across.....don't be pushy about it, or trying to tell him what to do, just offer them. If he isn't open to hearing about such things you'll need to respect that......perhaps in a couple months you might visit him for a weekend or few days.......of course paying your own way, and getting a hotel room.......he might want to take you out for a meal, but not have the wherewithal. In which case you could either offer to split the cost, or treat him to dinner once. Or, alternatively, eat at a diner, and go for walks, whatever is low cost.......good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Thank you for waking me up a bit! You are so right about his not having anything to offer me because of losing his job, he even mentioned that along with mentioning depression. How selfish of me to only consider what I am going through. He is a proud man that won't take a hand out from anyone including me! I don't want to lose him and start thinking crazy sometimes. I wish so many things like that he would realize that I could help; two incomes are better than one.
Thank you so much for kickin my butt! I needed that and know that you probly just saved a relationship! Bless you!
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reader, Denise32 +, writes (8 November 2010):
Look: losing his job at his age and in this economic climate is a huge blow to him. He may well be feeling depressed at having to move back home.
He may very well STILL want the closeness with you and to develop your relationship, BUT how CAN he offer you much of a future given his current circumstances? Be realistic: he can't.
Don't forget also that it has only been a week since he left and you have only been dating a mere eight months.
All you can do is to let him know you are "there" for him and offer what practical help you can. DON'T talk about feeling insecure to him, or come across as desperate. That really would be a mistake.
Unfortunately, he has enough to worry about without having to "prop you up" at this point........maybe you can ferret out some job leads he might think of pursuing......
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