A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:First I need to give a little background information. I reunitied with an old male friend about 9 months ago. I have known him since I was twelve as he was friends with two of my old teenage boyfriends. He actually introduced me to my first husband at the age of 14. We were always very close and I always had a thing for him as did he for me as well apparently but we never acted on it. He looked me up and found me about 9 months ago on the internet and we slowly started catching up. I was seperated from my second husband due to him having an affair and he could relate a great deal because his ex had run off on him as well. Before we knew it we were talking and texting everyday. He got to the point where he told me he wanted a future with me and actually told me he loved me. Well I screwed up I think. My ex came to me and begged me for our daughters sake to go to cousling with him and try. I discussed this with him and he actually encouraged me to go. So I did for the sake of really wanting to make sure it could not work out. I had been married to this man for nearly 16 years and our daughter was had a rough time with the seperation. I quickly realized it was a mistake and stopped seeing my ex. I was honest with this man what I was doing with everything. However shortly after his tone changed. He started stating he didnt ever want another relationship because it just end up bad. He doesn't believe in love or marriage etc. That was nearly 6 months ago and four the past 5 months we have been progressively getting more serious. At least so it seems to me. Thats why I am confused. We spend all most all of our free time together. He recently moved in with me supposedly on a temporary basis. He lived with his brother and his brother got engaged and moved in with his fiancee. This guy was in between jobs at the time due to a lay off so I offered him a place to stay until he got something else. He very easily could have gone and stayed with his other brother if he wanted. In fact his brother really wanted him to. But he came to stay with me and has been for about a month now. He mentioned last week about getting a place bigger than he planned and me and my daughter moving in with him. It was just casually mentioned and I didn't respond much. So then a few days later he mentions what am I going to do when he moves out and I say I am coming with you. He acts like I am just joking with him and then makes the comment that that would be too much like a relationship and he doesnt want one. However he never said no I dont want to do that.He is making me insane! This man spends the majority of his free time with me. He works outside all day long in the heat and then goes walking in the heat with me on a three mile walk with a torn ACL to boot. He goes out and buys me things without me asking. Is constantly touching me or trying to snuggle with me. These seem like behaviors of someone who is in love with me and wants more but why does he say he doesn't? In my gut I think he is just scared of being hurt again but when he says those things it hurts my feelings. He did tell me one time how it hurt him when I went to therapy with my ex. so I try to be patient and give him time. I am just confused.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (16 June 2010):
 At some point he has to let his guard down in order to be able to truly love again. You are not these other ladies and at some point he going to have to either make a commitment to you or let you go. Do you really want to sit and wait for him to be ready...what if it takes him 5 10 20 years are you willing to wait for him. I would advise you to move on and when he has heal and is ready to date than go out with him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for telling me I did the right thing by attempting therapy. I had many family members and friends who although they were supportive just thought I was crazy after all the bad things he had done to me. I just in my mind had to know for sure and now I do. The man I am currently seeing actually was not ever married. He has had several relationships end badly. The woman that ran off on him he started dating as a teenager when he was 17. We actually all hung out together very often. She got pregnant and they moved in together. Three years later had another child together. Although he did propose to her they had never set a date mainly due to financial reasons. After 8 years together she left him for this other man. He spent about three years dating and then started dating a woman that was seperated from her husband but not officially divorced (much like me). They dated for six months until one day she told him she was going to go back to her husband. I guess after a few weeks she called him and told him she had made a mistake and at that point he told her he was done. Then he met his last ex. He was with her for five years until she decided she just wasn't happy anymore. Apparently he really thought she was the one or at least so he says. She really crushed him and he claims it took a very long time for him to open up to her to begin with due to what the mother of his children did to him. I am the first woman he has dated more than two weeks since she left him. He even made a comment to me once that I was the first woman to catch his interest since her. So that is some of his background. All of his actions seem to say he wants more from me an even what he says does also but there are those times when he makes these comments that are so negative about marriage and being in love. One of my friends said she thought maybe he is scared to say it because he is afraid once he does everything will fall apart. As silly as that sounds. Don't know if that helps clarify or not.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (15 June 2010):
 First of all, may i say well done you! You took a very mature step by trying counselling to see if your second marriage could be saved. Its unfortunate that the marriage couldnt be saved. But it has given you clarity. You are now able to move on with an open heart and a very level head. Its the best position you could possibly be in for a fresh start. But im not sure the same applies to your friend. You didnt mention when he split from his wife. If he left her or she left him. If the break up was within the past say, couple of years and she left him. Then underneath the surface, he could have all manner of issues still festering away Blowing hot then cold with you. Talking of a future, being in support of you efforts with counselling. Then cooling off and saying it had hurt him. He doesnt really know what he wants right now. But he should note the fact that you had the chance to return to your ex. And after careful consideration, you chose not to. Instead you chose to pursue things with him. That should mean a lot to him and go miles towards reassuring him that you are the "real deal" and you wont hurt him. I think the fact that hes not seeing this is because hes still wrapped up in his past and issues with his ex. You are on different pages. I think you could sway him towards letting you live with him. But would you want that? Until he is as emotionally available as you are, i would let him move out and into his own place. He sounds as if he needs time to decide what it is he wants from you x
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (15 June 2010):
He is confusing, but do you really want to give him time. You can't invest to many feeling or time on a person who is hurt because he has to heal before he can love again.
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