A
female
age
30-35,
*iamondshards
writes:I met this guy while I was looking for no one {still burnt after the last one}- we were both waiting to take an exam at our Uni, he started talking to me and we got along well, so he left me his email. For the following couple of months, we wrote each other pretty regularly, every other day or so, very long emails about...anything, my hobbies, his, philosophy and whatnot. He wanted to meet me again, I delayed it up until I was done with an exam and then we did, about a month ago. In person we worked as well as we did Internet wise, I really enjoyed spending time with him, talking to him. He was always smiling to me, always sweet, sending me nice texts, always timely replying, a gentleman who held doors, kissed hands etc. That was until he kissed me a week ago. He asked permission for it, I granted it, but it was deeper than I expected {he went in full tongue and all before our lips even met}, so that weirded me out about the whole thing a little. At first he was happy {eventhough the first thing he asked me afterwards was 'what do we do now?'}, pulled me towards him and all, but then he noticed something was off with me and started enquiring about it. After I told him that I felt sort of weird about the kiss {I didn't really know how much I liked it}, he shut himself off emotionally, even if we kept on talking and being together and he was nice then too. The day after, I contacted him telling him that I really liked him and that the issue wasn't with my feelings, but with the whole way the kiss had been- still that I was sure that it only'd take us a bit of time to grasp what we liked in that department and such. Even if he at first claimed that if I hadn't liked that first kiss it probably meant I just did not see him as anything more than a friend, he seemed to open up to the fact it was just a misunderstanding and agreed to meet me yesterday. I went into this thinking that the supposed lack of physical attraction toward him was what made him insecure, so I kissed him to prove him wrong. This time, it went well- we pretty much ended up making out passionately, against walls, seats etc. I thought things would be okay after this, but it turns out, as he had started to tell me before the make out section and then afterwards, that the distance between us is the real issue for him. We live at about 50 mins from each other by car, one hour and a half by train, and, whilst before he was also insecure about it {hence the 'what do we do now?}, he had said it was something that we could work around. Apparently he changed his mind, because, in spite of my attempts at finding a balance {I suggested I could be the one to reach him too, that we could work around our schedules, that he could study -his exams are really close and he has lots of them- at the library with me, that of course there are phones, Skype, that I could sleep at a friend's place who lives near him if we wanted to go out at night every once in a while, even to put everything on hold 'till he was done with his exams in a couple months}, he was completely not flexible. Everything I suggested was shot down {he stated it wouldn't have been a real relationship if we only got to see each other a few times a month, that he needs to study alone in his room and that I'd have been the greatest distraction, that he hates phones etc.}, saying he knew he couldn't have handled a relationship where everything needed to be pre-planned and he couldn't just come and see me on the spot if he had a couple hours spare, or if he wanted to kiss me, that he knew this would have frustrated him, which would have led to him being shut off and things not working and thus it was better to cut it off now, before we got even more attached. I tried to argue that, since we were both clearly interested in each other {he stated that several times}, it was worth a shot, to at least not regret things, that the issues he presented as incredibly bad {he kept stating we'd end up seeing each other maybe twice a month, which is not necessarily true at all} would turn out to be fixable if he only gave it time and a chance. Again, he was not even willing to try, stating that he thought I could become really important to him, that he had missed me in the 6 days we had not seen each other already and we were not even together, it'd have gotten even more painful than that in time and that he didn't want to hurt neither of us, engaging in a relationship of such a kind. {All the while, he at times kissed me, then let me go whispering that was not good, because it'd have made it harder for us in the end, then stared at me like he wanted to kiss me but kept himself from it, which he stated.} He refused to label this as a farewell between us, but I argued that was really what that was, with him replying that he couldn't do this NOW, but who knew in the future...The couple of friends I've talked to about this implied he could have been lying, so I gave it some thought. I think that if he only wanted someone to make out with, there'd have been no reason to end things now for him; if he had had a girlfriend in his city already, it wouldn't have made sense for him to invite me there several times before {since it's also a small town}, so I tend to believe he was rather truthful. He did seem really apologetic and sorry throughout the whole thing {'cept when he tried to kiss me, of course}, and I even saw his eyes getting red and teary in the end. So I guess my questions are:-Do you think he was lying? Does this sound like it could be true to you? {Do keep in mind he is really attached to his family/parents, with an old sick father, and one of his reasons for not being able to be with me were family issues. He's also a very anxious and nervous being.} -If it was true and if he is interested in me, is there really nothing I can do to make this work? -Did I do something wrong? He assured me this wasn't the case, but I can't help but feel that if I had reacted differently to that first kiss last week, things could have gone well. Thanks for your time.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 July 2012):
 Sure it makes sense , OP. That which you wrote, and also , probably there 's a bit of " treat them mean keep them keen "... on the receiving side. Meaning - you like him BECAUSE he did not ( quite ) want you and made clear he 'd rather do without you than putting in the effort.
Welcome to " I only want those whom I can't have " club, I guess at some point all of us have signed up for it , for some period of time...
The important thing is not to get stuck in there, and realize that no, those who do not want you are not so marvellous after all, and, if nothing else , they have at least one big flaw : they do not appreciate you.... that means they must have bad taste :)
A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (13 July 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAh ah, I know, right? I'd like to believe both of us would choose to handle this a little more maturely than we have a few days ago, looking back- but at times you just act on impulse, it can't be helped. {As a matter of fact, I did meet another guy I very briefly dated today- I know, it seems as though I'm on a roll, right?- and I acted completely normal toward him, joking with him and other people in a group etc.}I know well what you say is most likely true- most likely there's nothing where I'm looking for something, and even if there was, why does it matter? Even if he admittedly still had a soft/sore spot for me {which is a mere hypothesis}, it wouldn't change a thing, because clearly that would not be enough for him to want to put some effort into having a relationship with me. Still...I don't know why, but he keeps popping back in my mind, some days more, some less, and ever since I met him it's been worse on that side. I'm not entirely sure why- I liked him, yes, but it's not as though I was ever in love with him or like we had this very long interaction either... I guess it could be because he was the first guy I opened up with in a very long time, after I had been badly burnt, and that is why I can't seem to let go of the thought of him as quickly as I would do otherwise. If this even makes sense, that is...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 July 2012):
Dear OP, come on, you guys are in college right ? All you write is still too middle school. Way too much thought and interpretation of subtext and hidden meanings where there aren't any- but even IF there were.. who cares, OP, it's over, it was a just a brief, not particularly memorable , goofy epiode in the life of both of you- really, don't waste so much thought on that, it's really not worth it.
He acted goofy and awkward because the whole episode with mutual misunderstrandings etc, WAS sort of goofy and awkward, and I am sure that he knows he was not quite brilliant in his dealings with you- Not to the point of being consumed by regret or remorse, obviously, or to feel any particular very positive or very negative feeling about the whole story, but yes, if he meets you unexpectedly he will be nervous and a bit taken aback. Same as you were. Totally normal.
You made a point of doing your little " I am NOT talking to you number " and to officially snub him... and he made a point of doing sort of the same by doing a " I SO not care about your not talking to me number ". Predictable.
Now, really, don't feel bad, don't feel mad, don't feel ANYTHING if possible: ) - this is just a person that once in a blue moon will maybe cross your path for a few seconds, if you want to smile and say hi do that, if you want completely ignore him do that instead, ... either way will be cool, because, trusts me, this is not going to have any relevance either way in your life- unless you WANT it to have it.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (11 July 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I bumped into him yesterday. I was standing in a hallway, talking to a guy, and he walked right toward me to reach the stairs. Sadly, I have to say he did make me quite nervous and anxious- I guess it's because I had not expected to see him. Anyway, he semi-stopped, semi-kept walking while we exchanged a few words about why the two of us happened to be there, then he said his exam was taking forever and just kept walking away.
I was sitting down with the guy I had been talking to, showing him my final paper, when he walked back toward me. {He had to to go back to his classroom.} A mutual acquaintance of ours stopped him when he was in front of me and I took the chance to get up and go stand between him and her, greeting her warmly while turning my back on him slightly. I know, it was probably childish because all it meant was 'see, I don't care about talking to you, actually I'll just pretend you're not even here', but I was hurt over the fact he had not even properly stopped to say five words to me in the first place. Him, Mr 'There are no farewells in my life', Mr 'No, of course we'll talk if we meet, why shouldn't we?', so I wanted to show him that he did not matter to me. Well, it worked, because he was clearly annoyed by this- crossed his arms over his chest, standing there looking all pissed and distant. Then he greeted a female acquaintance of his in a theatrical way- he literally threw his arms around her neck, hugged, shouted 'dear! why do you never keep in touch!', extremely noisily and right in my face, so much both me and our mutual acquaintance stopped talking and shortly turned around to stare. I went back to ignoring him though and he stood there for a minute or so before announcing he was going back inside the classroom. He did turn around and wish me good luck over my grad ceremony {which is what our acquaintance and I were talking about, meaning he had been listening all along.}
His behaviour caught me off guard. He's a polite guy who's usually outgoing with people, so I expected him to be like that to me- because that's the way he treats casual acquaintances too. Instead, he was clearly awkward, distant, and shut me out entirely- even before my little 'see, I'll talk to her but not you' stunt {Which yes, I could have spared it, but I was just hurt}. I don't get why he would be, as I have not done anything to him- I never offended him, insulted him or anything. I did not stalk him after he said he didn't want a relationship either {I only sent him a text to wish him luck on another exam of his, to which he replied politely, but I never replied back.} He was the one who called it quits. So why in the world should he be bothered by my presence? Even better, I don't get why my presence would affect him in any way, shape or form- he should be over me, given the fact it's been two months, we only went out a few times and it was HIS decision to end it. So why in the world is he not indifferent toward me? I don't get why my presence would even register to him. And the move of greeting that acquaintance of his so dramatically...call me crazy, but I think it was to shift my attention back on him. Why otherwise? He never even greeted ME like that when we dated...let alone some chick he barely knows. Shouldn't he have been glad if I was not paying attention to him? After all, he did not want my attention back in May, when he said we couldn't have a relationship for the distance...I don't get why I would still stir any feeling or emotion out of him. I should just not matter to him, but my presence still affects him.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (20 May 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cerberus:"The price of a return bus fare to spend a night or weekend with you, that's a bargain if you ask me." A really good way to put it, so thank you.You're right about him being insecure, definitely- he got so even when we met a friend of his and I was polite and warm toward that guy, because a} that's who I am and b} I wanted to make a good impression on a friend of his. Instead, he jokingly made a remark about how interested in him I seemed- at the time, I thought he was just joking and felt flattered that he would be a bit 'jealous' of some guy, but now it seems to fall into place with his insecurity issues. You're right, dating him would be difficult and a bit like walking on egg shells - 'if I say this, will he take offence?' {as he is rather touchy} 'If I talk to the guy I used to like, will he be gloomy over it?' {He was also prone to do that, even if he got over it in a couple minutes. Still...}I know that he may seem like he only wanted to bone me, but I have issues matching that with what he said he liked. We talked {in a totally general direction, mind you} about sex and he seemed truly overjoyed when I told him that, for me, sex and love go together and that I wouldn't do that with someone I was not in love with. This was a lot of time before we even kissed, so he knew what I was like and he seemed to really be enthusiastic about having finally found someone smart enough not to give everything away easily- his words-. I don't know, I really think his main issue with the physical thing roots in his being insecure of himself rather- thus every little bump on the road seems to him like a crater.Yes, friends' opinions always help, as well as the ones of those who are objectively looking at things- hence why writing here has been a great help. =]You're right, I was suspicious when he threw the 'distance' card at me, but that was before he kissed me and thus I did not overthink it, because, again, at the time we were just friends with a soft spot for one another. Why he tried to go for it when he knew right well that we didn't live close and then he backtracked, without even wanting a fling {not that I'd have been open to that, but if it had been his aim, he wouldn't have cut it off entirely like he did} is beyond me. I guess I'll just go with the nature of human beings being contradictory and all that fun stuff for this one.Maybe you're right with the whole chase thing -about this one, I mean, not in general, in which case it is of course true-, but I still don't get that vibe from him. I could right well be delusional, no doubt about it, but I do think that he was looking for nothing and then this thing that started out as getting to know each other became more than what he had initially thought or planned, and he cut it off because he sensed it'd have been too hard to handle as of now. Definitely, he was only interested up until a point as you put it, otherwise he'd have put at least as much effort as I have into at least giving this a shot. Thank you for your words of encouragement- I'm still a bit down about this thing, but rationalizing by writing to you all and reading your replies is helping me 'digesting' it and understanding the blame is not on me. About the whole 'you have to stop looking and we'll find you' bit, I think I will write another question {can you tell I have a lot of time on my hands lately? =D} about it- I'd appreciate your input on that there, if you'd like, of course.You're right, if he was this insecure in the beginning of it all -between the first kiss, the friend I talked to, the distance, the physical attraction-, I can only imagine what it'd have been like to be with him, especially considering it'd have a been a LDR still. {even if with a laughable distance between us.} Thank you.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (20 May 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Tisha-1:No specific script at all, no. He did get better, to be fair, the second time, as everything does, with experience- which is also why I partially did not get why his reaction to my reaction to that first kiss was so bad. {I definitely could have handled that better, to be honest, as I do get a 'I'm not sure what I felt during the kiss' answer would worry quite a few guys.} I mean, how many things are perfect the first time you attempt them? Virtually none. Thanks for your words- you gave me a good laugh. =D@ CindyCares:Your words, again, make a lot of sense and you strike me as someone very wise- things like that unfortunately do happen, even if I really wish they did not. The point is that I'm not sure this applies to the situation I have here, because the second time we kissed it went well. I was nervous about it before it happened, thinking along your lines that physical attraction for him was a deal breaker, so I put special care into making him see for himself I'm nowhere near a fright bitch- and he did, to the point where he was the one to ask me to stop kissing him, because otherwise he'd have been unable to control his urges {and I could tell from his physical reactions that he was truthful}. I think you raise a very interesting point about the whole 'how guys chase girls today, and can it be defined as such' issue. It is true that it's all very easy for everyone, but I think that's what society conveys us to be a 'good' value. Things have to be easy and accessible for people to bother to want them- as soon as it starts being too hard, most give up. I'm not like that- I think that shows in the fact I was the one willing to take that train too to see him, meeting him halfway-, but I don't think a lot of people -guys in particular, but I may be biased due to past experiences- are. I come from having been in love with a guy that would not even take the time to reply to texts, show up when he said he would have etc. - thus this guy I'm talking about here did seem to me as though he was 'killing dragons' for me, just by texting every other day and actually doing what he said he would. I suppose the previous one set the bar so low that it messed up my entire perception of the thing. At the same time, if I have to be honest, I'm afraid that, if I do set the bar too high, I'll never find anyone that lives up to those expectations. ...Which actually should probably be material for another question, as I'm going off topic here.IN CONCLUSION:What I personally think happened is that, whilst he did like me physically and emotionally, he simply did not like me enough to get into a relationship that, according to his surely peculiar mindset, would have required too much effort to work, likely ending up badly all the same. Thus, he called it quits before we even got caught up into it, without giving his feelings a chance to become deep enough for us to be something that he'd have perceived as 'worth the risk'. Pretty much, he guarded himself, let go of something that could have been good out of sheer laziness and fear, and behaved like a coward. {Which I told him too, btw.} Am I sure I'm right? Of course not, but, giving the way he behaved toward me throughout this whole time, the way he looked at me, how his heart raced after we kissed and our last conversation, plus his whole paranoid personality, this is what makes more sense to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): I agree with Tisha OP. The more you tell us about this guy the less he sounds like boyfriend material.
Too flaky in the least. I mean you say he had misgivings about the distance from the start yet he pursued anyway. Sounds like he already had an 'out' planned from the start.
Personally I have a feeling the awkward kiss only threw him off because that was the moment he realized you weren't going to be an easy conquest, someone to have a quick fling with before he went home for the summer and then threw down the distance excuse. A 50 minute drive is nothing. The price of a return bus fare to spend a night or weekend with you, that's a bargain if you ask me. That's the price of a packet of fags and a pint.
Plus there's the crappy lizard kiss thing. How hard is it to kiss right? Soft, gentle, tiny bit of tongue or none at all. To me, people who can't kiss well are either inexperienced, inept or selfishly wanting to bone you. The only good one of those three is the obvious one.
Look you're really trying to see the positives here and figure out what happened and you seem to be open to picking up where you left off with him in the future if he tries again. Perhaps I got that wrong but that's the impression I got but the best advice I can give you is to close the door on this guy. He had his chance and he blew it.
Insecure about your physical attraction to him? Pull the other one it has bells on. There's two things you can read in to that neither a good thing. One, who the hell wants a guy who is insecure over a kiss. Do you know how much work that guy would be? You only held him for 5 seconds and not 10 so now he's insecure, you're talking to that washboard abs hunk that every girl likes now he's insecure. OP if a guy gets insecure about something as petty as your reaction to his slimy lizard kiss then he's going to be a chore of a person to date, I mean look at how much work you had to put in just trying to convince him it would be worth continuing on.
Second it sounds like an excuse, one of the many various different flaky excuses he used. OP you know that Cher song 'It's in his kiss'? Seems quite apt here doesn't it? He just tried to maul you and when you didn't respond in kind he just gave up and you had to "prove yourself" to him. It wasn't a slow, sensual kiss where he wanted to feel your lips touch his and he could feel the softness of your face with hands so he could basically savour the moment and absorb your beauty, he just tried to stick it in you. Like some drunken 17 year old in a night club who only wants the shift. Believe it or not that's very often a good gauge of the true intent of a guy how he kisses, and it would explain why he reacted the way he did when you reeled back, kind of says he's going to have put more work in than just chatting and meeting up a couple of times before you'll let him stick other things in.
Don't worry about judging guys OP, you'll learn the most important things as you go along plus it's always better to get more opinions from friends because frankly it's hard to judge the opposite sex when emotionally invested because our judgement gets clouded with what we want to believe is happening. Don't be downhearted about this guy, he's given you a lot to think about and quite a few lessons you can learn to bring with you to the next guy who comes along.
OP always question the intentions of a guy who has misgivings about anything from the start like this guys distance thing. If that is the case then why are they pursuing you? If they already think a relationship would be too hard then what do they want from you? It can pretty much only be a casual fling can't it?
Add the lizard kiss to that and you kind of get the picture that this guy is far too eager. Not really willing to spend the time to get to know you properly, in a bit of a hurry. Well that screams he's not planning on being around for long to me. A guy who just wants to shove his tongue down your throat is a guy who doesn't want to take the time to kiss well for you, he either lacks empathy or doesn't care about how you would like to be kissed just wants to stick it right in.
Just a word on the thrill of the chase. OP for us guys the chase is an immensely good feeling. When we get a girl to the point he got you it gives us a real sense of pride and accomplishment, makes us feel like men and gives us an ego boost. For many guys that's enough for them. There are a hell of a lot of guys and girls out there that don't like the idea of commitment but love the chase and chatting up etc. There are also plenty that just want to feel like they can, they "still got it" you know? My girlfriend is one of those types, she will go out with her girlfriends and let herself be chatted up to a certain point because she likes to feel she can, it gives her an ego boost. This guy gave you some subtle signs of that from the start. He already had his 'out' prepared and while I don't blame you for missing those signs because he did act sweet in other ways, don't let things like that slide so easily.
Flaky guys, guys who are walking contradictions are almost always not that interested.
I mean think of how you acted. You were interested right? You left the door completely open to him. You didn't have any 'outs' lined up and you were more than willing to try the distance thing because you liked him. So in that sense you were pretty single-minded about the whole thing, you liked him and you set about working on getting him. Well if a guy isn't single-minded about getting you in the same way you were in this instance then he's either not really interested or he's only interested up until a point.
The most important thing you should get out of this is this:
You did nothing wrong at all. You played this perfectly albeit with some blinkers on. You gave him no reason to run if he was actually interested in you and you offered yourself up on a plate for him and he still didn't take you. It's not a personal reflection on your desirability nor your worth as a woman guys want to date. You just were seeing a bit of a lemon.
Understand that what happened isn't down to you, you tried but this guy is quite simply an idiot who had his chance and doesn't deserve another.
As far as us guys are concerned OP, it's not hard to find us, you just have to stop 'looking', we'll find you. Just fill your life with beautiful things, good people and general contentment and we'll pop up wanting a piece of that.
You had a lucky escape here, you may not see it that way now but you will. Can you imagine the hassle of actually continuing on with this guy? The flakiness of it all. The lack of security and walking on eggshells? Not fun at all.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 May 2012):
OP,what makes this confusing for you- and for us Aunts - is that it was all about a kiss, one wonders , but would a kiss be such a make-it-or-break-it element ?
let's make the scenario a bit spicier and it will become more understandable. Guy meets girl, is very physically attracted to her, pursues her having in his mind that things will be totally ,absolutely "hot".They have sex for the first time, and, you know first times, it's sort of bland, kind of a let down. Interested guy says " Well, probably it was too soon and she did not feel quite comfortable yet, we need to know each other more, to see each other more, to open up mutually so that in time we'll get to play beautiful music together :) ". Uninterested guy says " Damn, what a lame f..k. I should not have bothered, two months of chase for this frigid b...h. Well, now I'll have to make sure I don't get stuck with her ."
Alas, it happens quite often.
I think you have seen interest from him- but his interest was very superficial and very contingent to physical attraction and sexual compatibility.
How do you know which is which , the real interest in you as a person and the superficial one in you as a provider of good kisees :)?
Well, some times you just don't, and you have to kiss a few frogs before finding a prince :).
But ,I want to say something about the " chase ".
Girls nowadays have such modest standards, they are content with so little. It's a fault of our multimedial society.). Some texts, some e-mails, some FB chats, .. and they'll think Oh this guy SO digs me.Op, this is not a chase, it's a passtime for them too, it requires no effort, it fills their time, without any particularly deep meaning or intention.
I mean, Op, you wrote to DC , I answered you, now you have given us an update, and I am answering back, we can go on like that for 15 days if you wish, does that mean that you are chasing me or I am chasing you ? Is it a sign of any strong deep mutual interest ?
You need more to see if a man is really interested. No I don't want these poor guys to jump through hoops,kill dragons for you, or serenade you with a mandolin. But, a sign of interest is NOT texting back and forth, or blabbing on the phone, from the comfort of your couch when you've got nothing better to do . A sign of interest would be making efforts to spend time with you, rearranging his schedule, or ditching his buddies, just to see you, it would be taking the damn train and make the 1.5 hour trip- and back- to maybe just hang out with you half an hour. That's interest. Not just " Wassup ?Where you at ? All cool ? xxxxx" , and things of this nature, no matter how often repeated .
Hope this will help you a bit in your future selections .
In the meantime, cheer up,- as Tisha says, it sounds it is a good thing that you did not get stuck with Lizard King here.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 Thanks for the follow up! Based on your answer, I think it's really safe to say that you didn't fill the role he was casting in the film of his love life. Thank goodness you didn't. A guy whose idea of a first kiss is lizard tongue, um, unless that had been part of a specific script you two had going, I'd say he's definitely stuck in casting a role for a movie that's playing only in his mind.
He's not into you, his first kiss was abysmal, I'd say you had a narrow and lucky escape! Whew!
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (20 May 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cindycares:
I agree that this whole thing doesn't make that much sense as it is. {As an aside, the drive thing doesn't really count, as he'd have had to come by train, because his family only owns one car and he can't borrow it frequently. Not that this was supposed to be a deal breaker, of course.} My philosophy is definitely that 'when there is a will, there is a way'- which is precisely why I'm let down about this thing.
What did he chase me for? Good question- at the beginning, definitely we just enjoyed talking to each other and then it got deeper than that- especially, at the time at least, on his side. I'm sure he was not actively looking for a relationship and neither was I, but it sort of went that direction, at least up until he aborted the whole thing.
I really did think too the issue was the kiss and how it made him insecure in my physical attraction toward him, which is precisely what he told me at the time and why I suggested we met again- to prove him wrong. As I did do that, I'm left to see only the distance and his hatred for LDR as an answer, at this point.
Never a great sign of interest or sincerity indeed, I think. Really, I'm starting to doubt my abilities in judging guys, as this one seemed like a really nice one...And I did talk to him for two months too. This is what scares me the most at this point, to be honest.
Thanks for your reply. =]
@Tisha-1:
He sort of did. He seemed really surprised I did not really appreciate it either- which made me feel all the more guilty about it.
What irks me about this whole situation is that I did not hit on him first- it was all his doing, not mine. As far as I was concerned, I'd have been content with us having a friendship with an underlying soft spot for one another, at least for now- but no, he had to go and take things a step further with that kiss only to take it all back himself in the span of a week without even giving a fair shot at what he had started himself? That's what annoys me. Had I been the one to force myself on him and had he refused me politely, I'd have understood, but it's really contradictory -especially for someone who says he's completely rational like he does- to do one thing and then the opposite so quickly. Also, I don't appreciate how the main issue was supposed to be the fact I did not enjoy the kiss and when I did make out with him, the LDR became again the main problem. {To be fair, he had said in a really worried way he couldn't have come here often at all before he even kissed me and was worried about our distance and the amount of time together all the while, but still...}
Maybe it is a good thing after all, you're right. I want a man who thinks I'm worth a little discomfort to see me, rather than someone who gives up on everything if I don't live next door. Finding the right guy truly is quite hard.
Thanks for your answer as well!
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2012):
I'm sorry, I got stuck at the description of the first kiss. He went with tongue first, before even lips met? :P
His first expression of a kiss didn't match your expectations and I think he knows that the rest of what he has to offer won't likely meet those as well. I agree with Cerberus. You've made it very clear and plain that you would be interested in dating him and all he comes up with are excuses. This means he doesn't want to date you.
He may have had a fantasy of the first kiss and all that was supposed to happen. That it didn't happen that way threw him off and he couldn't cope. I'd go with that as a satisfying enough explanation for the rejection.
Thank goodness this was only a few months and not a case of unrequited love that lasted years!
i go back to that first, really rather nasty kiss. Ugh. Maybe it's a good thing it didn't work out. That would be my take on it.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 May 2012):
I am afraid that Cerberous is actually quite right. You are focusing on the fact that you he did the chasing.Well, the story would make more sense if he had done the chasing because he was very into you , then unluckily you did or say something wrong, so he lost steam. BUT, you did not do anything wrong- plus he's giving you lots of cockamamie excuse about why you two can't have a relationship ( a 50 minutes drive ? that's not even really long distance ! that's the norm for millions of people who live in big cities ) and being adamant in NOT considering your suggestions and not meeting you half way. He can't be ,or have been, THAT interested. When there's a will there is a way, someone who is enthusiastic about a person or relationship or any new enterprises tends in fact to underrate possible difficulties.
He can say all he wants, but what he does does not show great interest.
Why did he " chase " you ? Well, ask yourself if it was really a chase to begin with ? I mean, it's not that he had to do special efforts or sacrifices or give up anything or make any extravagant romantic gesture for you. All he did was talking to you first, texting you some times, asking you to visit... the kind of things that many people do routinely , without any sense of urgency, in a " let's see if anything happens " kind of way. Some guys ,also, enjoy the thrill of the chase per se- and most of all, you have to ask yourself what was he chasing you for. Apparantly, NOT to date you or not to start a relationship. If may be very well that your lukewarm reaction to his kiss made him think that you are not terribly attracted to him physically, so he was going to sweat it a lot to convince you getting more intimate than kisses- or, that your future physical contacts weren't going to be hot enough to justify the commuting.
Of course, I am not a clairvoyant and I can't swear I know what he was thinking. But I can see what he's doing : stalling, and brushing you off, and feeding you lame excuses. Never a great sign of interest- or sincerity .
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reader, diamondshards +, writes (19 May 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Cerberus:Thank you for your through reply, first of all. I really do get what you're saying, it does make a whole lot of sense and I'd likely agree with you- IF he wasn't the one who had clearly been chasing me before the whole kiss thing last week. He was the one who started talking to me when we first met, the one who texted me and the one whose body language was always extremely open toward me every time we met. He was also the one who, as I mentioned, tried to get me to visit his town, who worried about whether I liked him or not, who definitely courted me with nice gestures, manners and the whole deal for two months. It was definitely not a 'he saw me at a club, thought I could have been worth a shot, went at it and then lost interest' sort of situation- it was a slow but steady climax over the past months. See, if he had been a guy I had hit on and he'd reacted this way, it'd be obvious that he was just politely rejecting me- but coming from THIS guy who consistently courted me for two months, after he -not I- made the move which sealed the deal -the first kiss-, I'm doubting whether the interpretation should be the same. I do agree that I've done everything I can and I have no intention of pursuing anything with him anymore, at least for the time being. I also do agree that, as for now, he is interested, but not enough for him to think that a LDR, which he hates even as a mere concept, with me is worth the risk to get hurt in the long run and get caught in something that, for the type or relationship it'd have been, would have probably not worked out in his mind. I guess that what confuses me is the fact that he went from 1000 -and, trust me, I definitely did not take vague nice words as signs of interests, I took unmistakable signs of interest as such- to 0, when he himself made the first move. I guess he probably got caught up into this more deeply than he thought he'd have {and he told me this, that his interest toward me grew without him trying and so gradually he couldn't help himself}, made a move because 'it felt right' {again quoting him}, but then got scared because of the implications it'd have had for him, which he couldn't handle with the way his life is now. Of course he's not madly in love with me, otherwise it wouldn't have mattered even if I had lived in Alaska, but I do still think he was/is interested in me, just not enough to overcome what he -wrongly- perceives as huge obstacles in his mind. Thank you again. =]
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012): "with him replying that he couldn't do this NOW, but who knew in the future"
That's guy code for "I'm not that into you". Trust me.
I mean look at all the things you've tried to win him over and he still didn't budge:
You explained the kiss thing.
You kissed him to show desire.
You put a hell of a lot of effort into explaining why it would be worth trying the LDR thing and after all that what was his response?
"I can't do this NOW, but who knew in the future?"
That's a brush off OP. I mean come on OP, you handed yourself on a plate to this guy. You would have agreed to almost any conditions he laid out as long as he agreed to give it a try wouldn't you? Yet he turned that down. You quite literally couldn't have made it easier or made more sense than what you have for him to give it a go but not even the prospect of being completely free to whatever but not whomever he wants most of the time was enough for him to give it a go.
Come on like, what guy would say no to a girl who is there for the taking if he was actually interested?
I think you've tried everything you can, I think you have to put this down to a guy who's just not interested and if he is he's quite simply not interested enough because he's turned you down OP and there is no way he would have done that and ruined his chances with you if you actually liked you.
"Did I do something wrong? He assured me this wasn't the case, but I can't help but feel that if I had reacted differently to that first kiss last week, things could have gone well."
Not at all. Again OP it's the interest thing. Do you really think a kiss is going to put a guy who's interested off you? Really? Even though you discussed it and you made the effort to kiss him and show him that you do want him?
Your friends are right OP. He says nice things, he says what he thinks you want to hear but you have to ignore his words because they don't match his actions at all.
You see OP he doesn't give you proper answers to things, he gives excuses and vague brush offs. "he couldn't do this NOW, but who knew in the future"
I have to think about it, I'll let you know if I want to make out any time soon.
Look OP he seems nice, he's not using you and he does seem like he's trying to be gentle with you but you have to stop taking his nice words and niceness as a sing of interest. read between the lines here. can you honestly say he's acting like a guy who is in any way interested?
If one of your friends approached you and said that she pretty much offered herself on a plate to a guy and he refused, would the excuses he used matter more than the fact he rejected her? No it wouldn't because rejection is rejection regardless of the reasons and it's always because they're quite simply not interested enough.
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reader, diamondshards +, writes (19 May 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your time and answer.
I agree, I feel as though, as of now, not much can be done about this. If I didn't persuade him talking in person, if my kisses did not change his mind, I highly doubt that writing an email or a text will do. For now.
I did write him about something academically related to him yesterday, very briefly and objectively {I had previously said I would have and I keep my word} and wrote I just wished, in the end, he was serene now. He replied immediately, asking for forgiveness again, and wishing that happiness on me instead. I haven't replied and I don't think I will, for the reasons mentioned above. Maybe in a month or so he'll be in a less stressed out place, emotionally...
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (18 May 2012):
 If I am honest with you it does sound to me like he is telling the truth and that he does like you. I guess he wants a girl that he can just see any time that he likes and doesn't need to plan it out and rely on other people. If I am honest with you I don't think there is much that you can do at the moment. Give it until after he finishes his exams and see how he feels then, but don't put any pressure on him, he has told you how he feels so the ball is in his court now, I think you should just leave it up to him now to contact you. Allow him time to do his exams without any added stress and hopefully when he has more time he might change his mind.
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