A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I write this post with a heavy heart.I don't even know where to begin.....My boyfriend has had a very bad past. He has chosen to do many things to disappoint his parents, siblings, and other family members.He went to College, is educated, yet his ways are similar to a sketchy, manipulative hussler. He never held a stable job and had cheated and hussled his way through life... and that is also how he treated all his ex girlfriends... cheated on them and got them to pay for his materialistic cravings.His family, siblings, and relatives were surprised when he began a long distance relationship with me. He seemed to have changed into another person. He became responsible, helped out around the house, cooked meals, did his own laundry, paid bills, and even had a part time job. I mend relationships between him and his parents and siblings. Everyone can finally 'tolerate' him now.Then suddenly about 6 months ago, he changed back to who he was. His brother explained that they never expected him to change into good and were surprised that I could've gotten him to change especially as we were long distance. So no one is surprised that he has gotten bad again. But this time, the problem is, his brother is wanting to buy a house and wants the parents and great aunt to move in with them. To house his brother and wife, two kids, parents, and great aunt, they will need a 4 bedroom house... but my boyfriend is also living with the parents, and the mother will not move unless my boyfriend has a room at the new house. Well, a 5 bedroom house put it in a higher price range which the brother cannot afford. The parents and great aunt are old and cannot contribute to the mortgage. Brother is the only one working, as his wife is a stay at home mom due to illness of one of the children. My boyfriend is expecting to move into the new house and not pay anything, because he doesn't work. Even if he is working part time he will not tell anyone, because he wants all his expenses paid for. His siblings and I have talked about it and my plan is to move him out to live with me and I will have a job for him at my company where he will make enough to afford to send $500 back to his mom every month to help with food/mortgage. But he backed out and refused the job.I think he's a loser that just cannot be helped. I once again see the disappointment from his parents and siblings.How can a person be like this? He is in his mid 30's.. is this how he will live the rest of his life???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2018): You would not be helping this guy if you let him move in, you would just end up with a mooching dependent that will not move out, just like he does with his own mother. My advice would be to cut ties and dump this guy. His brother has the right idea, by trying to get the mother, aunt, and others that have been enabling this mooch out of his grasp, and put him out on his own.Necessity is the mother of invention. I am sure when he is out on his butt on the street he will suddenly be able to find an income and a place of his own. He is a grown man in his 30's for pete's sake! He has shown that he is capable of behaving as an adult, he just chooses not to.Do not be his next enabler. It is not a good thing for you and it is not good for him. You went over and above and offered him a job that he desperately needs. It is not your responsibility to be concerned about the rest of his life for him, that is his job. You are not responsible for making his family members feel good by taking him in either. It is not your fault if they are disappointed again by him, they know the drill, and they created this monster. They need him to grow up and he will not if you let him move in with you. If you are as caring as you seem, please do the right thing by him, and you, and give him some tough love by NOT helping him continue in his mooching ways. Be better for him than his family has been. Stop the enabling!Best of luck, R
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2018):
 Are you serious?
OP, are you looking to BUY a "bf" (you that desperate?) or are you hoping to find a good partner in life?
This guy is going to DRAIN you financially and emotionally. You DO NOT owe his family to take him off their hands.
By offering him a job and sending money home you are ENABLING him to do nothing for himself (AGAIN). You know that HE can (when it suits him) get a job and be a "productive member of society and his family - he just doesn't CARE to do it full-time.
You sound like a woman who is caring and smart but I think when it comes to men you are setting the bar so very very low, if this is the kind of man you think is a good partner.
OP, one thing is having a LDR. ANYONE can seem REALLY good on "paper" and over a distance. But once you live together or spend more time with each other in person you OUGHT to see all the little red flags. YOU chose to date someone who when you first met was giant LEECH on his family. THAT was the guy YOU CHOSE to get to know and date (LDR or not) and then he stepped up for a little while to show YOU that maybe he was worth your time, but he couldn't KEEP it up. Not for you. And he hasn't been able to do that for his FAMILY! They all know he is a loser and were hoping YOU would take this financial BURDEN off their hands!
OP, you CAN (I have ABSOLUTELY no doubt) do SO much better.
1. don't do LDR's. Chances are it will NOT work out and you are wasting your time on the wrong kind of guys - LIKE your BF!
2. don't involve MONEY in a relationship. If you have to PAY a guy money (even if it is by offering him a job) to date you, the relationship uneven. It's partly emasculating and partly skewered in your favor.
3. SET a standard for what you want on a man. And I'm not talking he needs to be tall, dark and handsome. But someone who is in the same sphere with morals, values, goals, ambitions. and then STICK to it.
4. When you see a guy you are dating ISN'T a good fit.. LET him go and move on. Don't WASTE any more of your time or HIS.
5. DON'T date "fixer uppers". If a guy "REQUIRES" to CHANGE a lot about himself to BE the guy you want, then he isn't for you. People don't change dramatically, in general. Like your BF - guy like him don't go from being a slob who leeches of his family to a stand up guy, not for you... or anyone else. MAYBE in time FOR himself. But you can not "bank" on that change.
You KNOW he is a loser. So why are you still with him?
You can CARE for someone, even love them and KNOW they are NOT the right person for you.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (19 March 2018):
He has shown that he can function if he wants to, it is his families complicity in this which enables his failure to grow into a fully formed adult.
Do not move in with this man. He will be like a millstone around your neck.
Do not agree to pay a regular sum for his upkeep. If you must give money, send it somewhere it will do some good and sponsor an orphan. This guy is not your responsibility. He'll most likely never become a productive human. Cut him off. He is literally a parasite. He cannot be helped. I suspect he his a sociopath. Not necessarily violent but charming when he needs something, then callous and utterly ruthless when you are of no further use to him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 March 2018):
 Sweetheart, while you are a lovely person for wanting to help this family, this man is not YOUR problem. Stop trying to repair him. His family CHOOSE to let him leach off them (well, the mother does). As you have stated, he is a grown man with a sense of entitlement. You deserve better.
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