A
female
age
41-50,
*ppps
writes:I am in the middle of a finishing a long term relationship, with which we have a beautiful three year old. It has been a very stressful relationship. It has taken me' three years to finish it. He leaves on Wednesday. Over the last year I have become friends with a guy from work. We have spent most of the year flirting and having a laugh. He found a new job and at a social event to say goodbye, we got together. He is aware of my situation. The following morning he said to me "I can't believe i have done this again, with someone attach." over the past two months we have been texting lots (mostly instigated by me') and been on a couple of dates. Both of which were very romantic, lots of passion and chemistry. Last week we progressed to x at the end of texts and even texted me' to get me' to turn tv over where 'sweet Caroline ' was playing. I saw him on Sunday he was very tired (been driving for three hours) but also very cold. I felt he was desperately trying not to touch me'. He quickly stroked my back on one occasion. Bit later on I gave him a cuddle and he kissed my head. I went to hold his hand in the car later on he didn't pull away we stroked fingers but hecwasnt his usual passionate self. When I said goodbye I gave him a cuddle and a kiss no tounges. I felt he felt uncomfortable. Before I left I said are you free to go for a drink in the next week. He said week was busy but weekend was quiet free. I said ok I'll buzz you during the week. I emailed him after a couple of days with a music quiz 'do you remember this song?' and attached a you tube video if it. It was feels like home. He replied back 'never heard it before !' I gave him a clue that it was played when we first got together. At the end I put which day is best for you at the weekend? Nothing ! Three days later I texted saying 'are you up?' nothing! What should I do? I think he's gone quiet because he doesn't want him to be the reason I leave my partner. He is a very calm, gental, smooth, caring man. He is good friends with his ex's I can't believe he would just ignore me'. What should I do? What is he thinking?
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male
reader, Cccc  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 You said hes good friends with his Ex?Maybe he lost her the way he took an attached woman.Ripped from him and he just saw that it was wrong and that he could never do it to another man?It sounds to me like a little bit of a guilt trip and was trying to figure it out while flirting with you.
Maybe seeing other people made him miss his Ex and caused him to go cold in confusion?
A
female
reader, Maria-consuela  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I hate to sound callous, that is not my intention. Honestly, the fact that this man was more inclined to flirt/play/joke when you were in a relationship is more of a sign that he was looking to be with someone unnavailable, without risk of it becoming a relationship. The only explanation for a man pulling away as you become more available is that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship in a romantic way.
If he was truly interested, he would not only be ecstatic that you are free to be with him he would be making all of the moves.
Men will use all the excuses in the world, but ultimately we as women help them do it. We justify their detachment, their lack of interest in order to avoid a hard truth. That they may just not be interested.
It is unfair that he has not been upfront if I am in fact correct - but people are not always as forthcoming in these types of situation. His actions read pretty clearly, but give him a chance to prove me wrong.
If you avoid contact, especially instigating (texting, calling,emailing,etc) and he contacts you, do not respond automatically. Make him work for it, and make plans, and take you out. If he doesn't put in the effort so early on in this courtship/interest stage then how likely is he to put in effort later? Is this someone you want to waste your precious time on? Maybe. But make a decision based on what is best for you - not for him.
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