A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is an update to a post i put on dated 18.12.07 regarding a "Happy Birthday" text sent to my husband.I have as advised kept an eye on things this month.There have been phone calls between him and her, which would be work related. Last Tuesday evening he sent her a text whilst at a footie match with our son and some friends, the text was regarding match result, it just said "Done".(His team had won) I thought it strange that he sent this to her,he sent texts to male friends also, a couple were work colleagues. Then Friday evening i managed to access his work e-mails, this was spur of the moment. When i realised i could get into these e-mails i made sure i went upstairs so i could look in private. I made out our home pc was playing up and i just wanted to use his lap top, he was fine with this. There were numerous e-mails from her, all work related. But there was one she sent to my husband (him only) and it said "Hello Darling", this was sent Tuesday (22nd) Jan, the rest of the e-mail was a work message. I was stunned and felt sick. All e-mails he has sent her have been professional,no hint of anything. The fact that he had not sent her anything like that put my mind at rest. Although the e-mail she sent him did bother me. On Sunday i went through hotel receipts that are kept in our study, there were quite a few, one stood out it was last summer. On it was Dinner £46, WINE and another drink. Obviously the dinner came to a lot (not just 1 person) i don't know of any men who drink wine with their dinner, my husband normally would have a beer, and so would his male colleagues (if he was dining with one) i could be wrong on this, but another thing i noticed he was booked in at this hotel for 2 nights, he checked out and then booked another room for one more night, meaning he stayed for 3. This meal was on the first night, on the second and 3rd night there does not appear to be any receipts at all for food, he may have ate elsewhere and paid cash. So i have gone from having my mind put at rest (regarding HIS e-mails) to suddenly being very suspicious. I thought as there was nothing he had sent to her in an e-mail that there was nothing to be concerned about. But this hotel receipt is bugging me. I have said nothing to him as at the moment it is just suspicion. She seems friendly with work colleagues as i can see in e-mails that are cc'd to others, but she seems VERY familiar with my husband and has not referred to any other male as "Darling" What do you think? Also when he calls her, i am never at home. He works part of the week from home, his calls to her don't ever seem to be when i am about. I work mornings (Mon-Fri) then i come home and then pick up our daughter from school, so this could be a coincidence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): Hi there,
Don't worry on how others may view your snopping into your husbands activities, I think he may have given you the niggle which started things rolling. I don't know many women who would not be suspicious when various comments highlight a more involved relationship between your man and this co-worker. So I would have been just like you in checking that I was getting my fact straight by investigating emails and txt. I like you consider when you are married to someone and share your life you should have NO SECRETS, and I don't know what privacy people talk about in relation to snooping which needs protecting between husband and wife. SO hunt away if this is what you want to do/
I will give you some advice however, sometimes we can get the wrong end of the stick and come up with assumptions which are incorrect. So be careful with the information you collect, think about all the different explanations which may apply. I would not be impressed if a women my husband new only as a collegue called him darling in a txt.
This doesn't mean that he is cheating with her at all however I think you may have enough to have your suspicions followed through carefully.
We can get things wrong. Just don't jump to the most obvious conclusion whilst you are in a state of fear. Calm down and collect/store things up that are troubling you, then decide what looks logical.
I would suggest trying to find out a little more about this women who seems so interested in whether your husbands birthday is going well or not. Who is she, is she attached, is she a flirt? Does your husband talk openly about her, what are his comments about her? My husband had a previous history of embelishing the truth, twisting things a bit so I only got half or some of the truthful bits, I then discovered he had cheated on me. Looking back now I see how blind I was to the little things. I was equally blind to the other women.
You can't make him be faithful to you, no matter how much you want this to be the case. He may well be totally faithful and perhaps enjoying the flirtatious banter with this women. Get to know her, and his work mates, become a topic of conversation, in a positive way, with your this man of yours and his work mates. Bake them some muffins!!!!!. What I am perhaps trying to suggest is,
Keep looking for as long as you need to make good decisions about the things that worry you.
Become the focus of his world, even if you have to pretend whilst your feeling uneasy.
Don't jump to conclusions, yes your gut is a good indicator, but also can be twisted at times.
Start a diary about things which you need to check on and watch.
And start to talk to him. Ask him about this chick and what she is all about, who she sees, what type of things they talk about. You need care here and tact.
Keep us posted and your not going crazy and you do have a right to want to know what your husband is up to if he has given you previous reasons to questions. Some women are happy to not go there, not snoop and not worry. But not all women operate the same way and that is absolutely FINE!
Take care and always mull over the things you find without acting irrationally. Good luck and god bless!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): Hi, thanks for the advice Dawnie and to Tweets, i wish i could ask him and him be honest with me. But i know that he won't he would lie no matter what. He would NEVER admit to an affair (if he is having one or had one) as he knows the marriage would be over. He has told many lies and deceived me over the years, not regarding other women though. But it has still been serious. I never used to check up on him, it wouldn't have occurred to me to do so, but these are desperate measures i'm afraid. He won't tell me if he has, it's as simple as that.
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A
female
reader, Tweets  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Hi, I responded before,so on second though you know, you are the only one who can really trust your own instincts. If you think that something maybe going on,maybe there is. You know your relationship better than anyone else. You're questioning it, so something is there enough to bother you. Try to get him to come right out with it. Tell him how you are feeling and some of what you know, watch his responses. You know him better than anyone. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (30 January 2008):
 Hi have just seen some of the responses to this post.With the exception of 2 answers, 1 by Trinnity08 and annonymous, the rest of you have been really nasty in your answers. This poor woman has been worried that her husband is cheating with some female co-worker and all you can do is give HER a hard time. IF he has cheated he is in the wrong not her. SO WHAT if she has looked at e-mails and texts, she has a right to know if he is doing the dirty on her. I think you should be ashamed of yourselves, this website is meant to be about helping people and giving them advice, not being spiteful.
On reading this post i can understand her concerns,i don't think she has anything to worry about regarding her husband, this co-worker though is too familiar. You don't call a married co-worker "Darling" it's not professional and its too intimate and you don't send texts like that with a kiss at the end.To the poster of this question if you want to e-mail me personally, feel free. I hope this has put your mind at rest.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 January 2008):
 My my what a horrible way to live. Your suspicious mind must make you very miserable and all the constant snooping must make you very tired. Some thoughts: Do you feel the need to be totally in control of your husband? Do you have poor self-esteem? Have you been abandoned and hurt in the past? Based on what you told us there is very little here to support your suspicions. Having being married 16 years is this the first time you have had these suspicions?
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A
female
reader, Tweets +, writes (30 January 2008):
Hi, It sounds to me like you are looking for something to be there that isn't. Her choice of words for him maybe just the way she speaks to him and everyone. His ends does sound pretty clean. Stop looking for trouble, there doesn't seem to be any evidence that he his cheating on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): I have looked at these comments on my problem. As his wife i DO have a right to know if my husband is cheating.
In answer to the comments by Minelisse, i don't need a hobby dear, i have been married to my husband for 16 years, we have 2 fantastic children, beautiful home and financial security, i also have a part time job which i love. My husband has lied and deceived me many times over the years (not regarding other women though) so i have every right to be suspicious. Checking his e-mails and texts is nothing, he could check mine anytime, i have nothing to hide. I don't lie and i would not cheat on him.
There could well be nothing going on, but sending a married colleague a Happy Birthday text (in full) with a kiss at the end and saying you will call them later and then calling them "Darling" in an e-mail is not normal. And anyone who can say THEY would not find that odd is either a liar or pretty stupid.
Although i have suspicions he is not aware of these, and would not be unless i knew without doubt something has gone on with him and this woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): I understand that terrible fear. But let's face it: I know my man's password and I never check it, even when I KNOW I can. You seem to be doing a lot of snooping. And what if you do catch him doing something? You hacked his e-mail and lied to him, and that's a lot to own up to even if you're right. What's worse is if you end up being wrong; what will you do? How will he feel?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): Hi Sweetie,
I think that you should trust your gut instincts on this one, they are usually right.
It must be awful for you to be feeling this way, the only thing I can suggest is that you talk to your husband and tell him that you feel uncomfortable and worried, jsut be honest and say how you feel. Whether he is innocent or not, he is somehow making you feel insecure and upset, and he needs to nourish you and re-assure you in order for you to feel better about it all.
If he loves you then he will either re-assure you if there is nothing going on with this colleague, or come clean if there is.
It's a horrid situation for you to be in and I sincerely hope it all works out. xx
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (29 January 2008):
 If you continue to monitor your husband like this and continue to have these mistrusting thoughts about your husband you will drive him right into the arms of another woman. Because after all, he'd hate to disappoint you but not having the affair you seem to be wanting him to have.
Enjoy your marriage and treat your husband like he would never cheat on you.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Hi there... this might sound harsh but... you really need a hobby! Not only there seems nothing is going on but you are making it sound like saying darling is a sin. If all emails are work related, I don't think there is anything there. On the other hand, wine instead of a beer? That could have been anyone's.
If there is something else causing this suspicion, please let me know... but based on this... nothing!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Trinnity08 +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Until you have something concrete i think it would be best to keep u eyes peeled so to speak , theres alot riding on ur marrige for you to just jump in with two feet , and what ive read so far could very well be innocent be safe xxx trinnity
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