A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been seeing someone since November. He says we are in a relationship but it does not feel like it to me. We live about a 5 minute walk from each other but we only see each other either once or twice a week and its only for a couple of hours. It is always on his terms when we do meet up, and when I text him to come to mine on Friday he didnt even respond back with a text.We went for a night out the next night in town and we stayed at nice hotel for the night. We went out for a meal and drinks and he paid for everything. I told him I was thinking about walking away and leaving him to get on with his "busy" life because I was sick of the week I had with him. He looked really shocked and upset that I was thinking that way. He told me that he loves me to bits... 'but not in love' with me and that he could easily fall in love with me. I am younger than him, he's 26 and I am 19 and he said he was worried that I might go off with someone else and he would get hurt, as he has been hurt in the past. He also said to be patient with him and things would become right.I hardly ever see him, when I text him it takes 2 or 3 hours for him to text back and then it’s only a couple of texts when he does. I know he has a busy job and I don’t want to see him everyday. I just think a couple of hours a week is crap. I thought he was a bit of a player as he does behave a bit like that. I have never met any of his friends or family either.Am I just wasting my time? Is he just keeping me hanging till someone else comes along? I’m worn out trying to analyze the situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): The best way is to be completely open and honest with him. Good communication and honesty are key to resolving any issue.
I think the best way to approach it is to basically just tell him how you feel about him. Tell him how much you like him, what the thought of losing him does to you and that you're ready for this to go to the next level and make it official.
Don't make any demands, don't confront him or anything like that. Just bring up how you feel about him and tell him at the moment the way things are is making you anxious because it's still at the level of casual dating and your feelings for him aren't casual. That you're a bit uncomfortable with the situation because there is no commitment and you've been holding back your affection a bit because you're scared to open up because the relationship is still at this stage, the stage where, even if he says he won't, he can still just up and leave at any time.
Basically that you want to be his girlfriend.
I've been reading back over your question again OP and all the answers you have provided. I'm starting to think that you're both just being kind of too careful about this whole thing, neither of you are opening up because you're both scared that the other one is either not as interested or going to leave and hurt the other, it's very possible he's doing the same thing as you and just waiting and hoping things progress on their own or something happens and the pieces fall together.
Especially as he can probably tell your getting frustrated he might be thinking you're going off him perhaps.
It's time to lay all your cards out on the table with him, it's time to open up to him and tell him how you feel and what you want. You see in your situation one of you will have to step up and make things happen, if you're both just waiting and hoping then nothing ever will.
It's time to have the talk as I've said a few times but it's very important you completely let go of your inhibitions and completely open up to him. Don't be afraid of what he might or might not say, he does like you that much is obvious and if he is waiting and hoping and keeping himself closed off a bit in fear of getting hurt then that's a sign that he might already like you a lot.
So no more wondering what's happening, no more waiting and hoping, it's time for action and the action is as I've said above. In the very least you need to know truly how he feels, you need to know where this relationship is going and what he wants from this. If he wants to be with you and if he really likes you then he'll at least take the action of making it official.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Thank you for that answer again. The article was brilliant. He did text quite a few times last night and that not like him! Not that im basing anything round that. Ive told him I dont beleive what he says that its just words to keep me hanging on, which he looks quite hurt when i say it. He is really nice when I am with him gives me little kisses cuddles up I catch him gazing at me. I must admit im not overly affectionate with him as I hold my feelings back from him and try not to show them unless he does something first then I respond back. I know he isnt just after one thing either as I have told him Im not like that so he never pushes me into it. I will ask him where this going at the weekend as I need to know. Which is the best away to approach this? Any ideas would be much appreciated? Thank you for answers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): blonde30s was your girlfriend clear about why that's the way things had to be? You understand why that is the case right? Why your girlfriend has to do things this way. I know you do from reading your post, the situation is very clear to you and you understand it. How would you feel if you didn't understand why that was and she wouldn't tell you either? I mean this is not just a girl you are "seeing" you're secure enough in this and feel committed enough to call her your girlfriend. You know where this is going and you have assurances, so you are both taking it slow and while that may not be the ideal situation for you, you have come to that mutual arrangement with your girlfriend through open and honest communication right?
blonde30s do you think it would be possible to do what you're doing if your girlfriend was completely closed off, wouldn't give you any kind of feedback or answers to any of your questions? Would you be completely comfortable with the situation if she was putting in as little effort as OP's guy and never giving you any reason as to why that is?
OP doesn't have anything like that at all with this guy. She has no assurances just speculation. He won't do that for some reason, he won't put her mind at ease and while your situation may be similar OP just doesn't know. Honestly I can understand your situation and can understand her point of view blonde30s, I may not agree with it but I do get it. I can't understand his he doesn't have the same situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): OP please don't doubt that he likes you. He does, otherwise he wouldn't still be around after 3 months, but not enough for this relationship to start growing beyond this stage. Something is holding him back OP, to me there's only a few possibilities age difference is one, fear of commitment is another, lack of interest is also a possibility again none of those are good.
Are the things he says things that older guys say? They're things that most guys say OP but it's just empty words without the actions to back it up. Please have a read of this article before you continue reading this answer: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
That article has some important points which I think relates to your situation. Unless your guy actually shows you through his behaviour that he wants to be with you then it doesn't matter what he says OP, he can say he sees this being long term but when you voice your concerns to him he just brushes them aside with words. You've asked him where this is going and he gives you vague and empty assurances, his reply was to be patient, basically to just accept things the way they are and that's that. So even though he knows that you want to get closer to him he basically said to wait, that he doesn't want to lose you but he's made no effort at all to actually remedy the situation. Wait for what? What does he need to wait for? He's still keeping you at a distance OP, he's not letting you in and you've just settled for that OP because you really have a thing for him.
OP do you have any doubt in your mind how you feel about him and where you want this relationship to go? I think you know very well these things, you are certain you want to be with this guy, you are certain that you want to make it official but he has doubts, he will just not commit to you. If 'you're the one' then why is it not official? Why the need to wait? What's going on inside his head OP? Any time you ask him he just sweet talks you with things he thinks you want to hear he throws out the standard lines, compliments designed to deflect from what he's really thinking.
You see OP that's the thing with words, as you may have read in that article, words are exceptionally powerful things, they really can turn a rabid, furious woman into a purring kitten. Even now after 5 years if my partner is pissed at me for something no matter how serious I can still completely disarm her with a few choice words (doesn't always work mind you). Believe me she knows exactly what I'm doing when I say those things but she still can't help the effect it has on her, it's actually amazing the effect that saying something your girlfriend wants to hear can have on her. Even though she might know that it's utter crap something clicks inside her head and she suddenly finds me cute and endearing again. That effect is magnified in the heat of the moment, when you can see into his eyes, he's holding you and you're sharing a moment because those empty words feel true in that moment.
Here is your situation OP, you're "seeing" a guy now 3 months, in all that time he shows very little sign of interest, very little effort in anything more than keeping you sweet. He is keeping this very casual in his behaviour so no matter what sweet words he says his behaviour says that's horseshit. What's worse is he won't open up to you either and tell you why, he just deflects your questions with "you're the one" and "I don't want to lose you". They're not answers OP. |They're generic catchphrases you can see in any movie.
Now this is not working for you, this "will he, won't he?" type confusion can be hard to bear because he's just not giving you anything to work with. You really have no idea where you stand nor any security for the future of this relationship and it's making you anxious and nervous about your prospects. What's worse is the only person who can alleviate that just won't do it, perhaps because he can't because he just doesn't feel the same way. Perhaps this wait and see thing is his way of telling you "I like you but not enough to commit and I'm hoping that in the future I might like you that much." If that's the case then you're screwed. If his feelings haven't grown in 3 months OP then they never will.
Back to the original title of your question, is he stringing you along? Yes without a doubt. Keeping someone hanging on by giving them just enough to keep them but never enough for it to progress any further is the very definition of stringing along. Is he waiting for someone else? I don't think so but that doesn't mean that "you're the one" either. Are you wasting your time? Yes and no, this has gone stale OP nothing is happening. He's happy with the status quo and you're not. So one of you is satisfied the other is not. That to me is a waste of time. Are you wasting your time by sticking by him? No but you're doing nothing about it so nothing is going to change. Whenever you raise the issue you never follow through and it's not going to either OP because he knows what to say to make you back down and you do.
Again your two choices are easy either stay like this and do nothing in the futile hope that he will come around, or you can take the bull by the horns and ask him what's up. Let him know this is a serious problem that is making you really start to question the whole thing and what is he going to do to ease your mind other than throw out a few "sweet" one liners.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Thank you for that answer. I think I know now where this is going. He did say as he left we will do something on Friday or Saturday its up to you which night. But you were right, he told me to "text him last night as I never text first" . I text at half 6 still hadnt heard anything at 10 o clock till I text him again. I know nobody is that busy to send someone a text. I text him a couple of nights last week first and waited hours again. Said he had lost his phone, then it was fell asleep. I dont think I am that immature I have being in 2 relationships so I know that this doesnt feel like one to me. So all the things he is saying is just to keep me hanging? Like 'your the one' 'I dont want to mess this up' 'be patient with me'. I do know that your the one is just crap! But now after I have read what you have said you are just confirming what I already know, I am hoping things will get better and praying that he does really like me. I did say to him last week that things could be good betwen us if he wanted it and he said he did and he be gutted if I left him and he was shocked that I could walk way from him. He says 'I mean a lot to him and why do I like him because he is older and I could have anyone. He has said he sees this as long term and doesnt want to loose me. Is this just the type of things older guys would say. Thank you for replying to me its much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): I knew he'd say that, you want to know what that means?
It means "I'm happy with the way things are and I don't want them to change." You're going to hear a lot more of that. "Be patient with me" "I'm really busy at the moment" "I'm not ready to commit yet." "Stick with me, things will get better" "I really like you" etc etc but that's all a load of crap.
Now you're just coming off the after glow of a lovely Valentines day but the situation is the exact same and that's exactly how he wants it to stay. His reply was actually a blow off, it was a deflection, he even made it sound like you were the one that didn't have time for him. Does that really sound like a guy who is making an effort? He didn't even plan your next meeting.
This guy is just keeping things casual, he's not making the effort OP, one night of being spoiled then no time spent together is not effort. It takes no effort to do that at all. It takes no effort to have one nice night every now and again and it takes no effort to pay for everything. Seriously ask any guy you know what he's doing. He's keeping you sweet nothing more. That's what we guys do when we just want to keep a girl sweet, we pay for everything because that's less hassle. We only organize one "special" night every now and again, then we make excuses as to why we can't see that girl more.
Good luck hanging in there OP, nothing is going to change unless you change it. He's certainly just going to keep you sweet, that patience thing is proof especially after 3 months. OP it's very easy to have a nice night with a girl but it takes effort and work to build a proper bond and relationship with them. He's not doing that and after 3 months he's still telling you to be patient, he's still making very little effort, that's not good. It actually sounds like he's not really that into you at all.
He's just going to keep pounding out the excuses, he'll find every reason under the sun not to make more of an effort and you're just going to hang on in there, in hope things will get better but OP it's been 3 months and you're still at the casual dating stage, 3 months and he's showing no signs of any kind of passion or intensity for you at all. That means he doesn't really have those kind of emotions for you. He's not crazy about you OP, he can take you or leave you but mostly leave you.
Honestly OP I've been with girls that were that "lazy" it always turns out they never intended to get serious at all. They just didn't feel that strongly about me, they liked me but had no passion or strong desire to be with me and that doesn't really grow OP not after this amount of time and with this little effort. You see you're stuck, it's catch 22 unless you start spending more time with each other, bonding and getting to know each other then the relationship is never going to move beyond this casual stage. You see you can't spark fire and intensity when you just don't see each other. OP he's okay with not seeing you that often, what does that tell you?
I don't see anything changing because I think you're just going to settle for this and sit quietly in hope. I can tell you from experience it's not and he's purposely keeping you out of his social group and away from his family so he can have a quick painless exit. It actually sounds like a typical age gap relationship to me. I'm the master of age gap relationships I've been in lots of them in fact my current girlfriend was 19 when we started dating but we were friends for a while before hand.
But before that I'd gone through a few others. Age is a big issue OP, while he may tell you different it can actually be a very awkward experience. You see 19 is very young, and 7 years older is a big gap. You know my attitude was the exact same as his. I believed you simply could not commit to someone so young and start spending time with them, introducing them to your family and friends because simply put OP it's embarrassing. Girls your age are still kids, not to belittle you but honestly the difference in maturity is extreme. You have nothing in common with his friends, things that are fresh, new, cool to you are all old hat to him and his friends. The embarrassing factor in it was simply the opinions, attitudes and complete naive view of the world that these girls expressed. Of course my male friends thought it was great that I was still getting "young ones" and were jealous but the simple fact was if I wanted to keep these girls they couldn't mix with my friends, I couldn't commit to them because they were too young. This sounds so familiar to me it's not funny because he's the exact same I was. He loves the idea of being with a "young 'un" because they're easier to smooth talk, they're much more gullible, more trusting, more forgiving their lack of experience in relationships means you can get away with a lot more. It means basically, you can keep them sweet and never actually commit with very little effort because they don't have enough experience in adult relationships to actually know when things just aren't going well. Plus, like you, they're less likely to rock the boat than a woman who knows what she wants and has enough experience to know how to get that.
You see what happened with my current girlfriend was completely different, I was in my late 20's when we got together but she was part of my social scene since she was 16. So she was familiar with all my friends, she'd met my family lots of times and so there was no awkwardness. She was like our little sister and we kept a close eye on her but she matured and adapted to our group pretty quickly. By the time she was 18 me and her had become really close friends and started spending more time together then when she had started college when she was 19 things just kind of progressed from there for us, it was all very natural and seemed right for both of us. You see we'd already formed a really tight bond, there was no chance that we were just going to be casual because we fell in love as friends. She knew me backwards and I her through years of effort as friends. There was no problem with my friends or family, no embarrassment like there was for the rest of them because she was already part of our group and had matured (for a 19 year old anyway) all her friends were mid to late 20's and she fit in well. This was all because she already knew all my likes and dislikes, she'd already been accustomed to hanging out with me and my family and already had a really good friendship with my mother. But she is the exception OP.
You're guy is doing what I did with my past age gap relationships, he's keeping you at a respectful distance because you're so young, he's keeping you sweet so you won't run off and he's doing/saying just enough to keep you hanging on without actually making any type of commitment at all to you. He's not going to either because you'll never demand that. You'll just sit around in hope until things fall apart and then wonder why it went wrong.
This will not go well for you unless you actually start moving this relationship on. You need to have that talk OP. You need to know where you stand, no more patience crap you need to know what he's thinking and where this is going. You have to know and know now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): Thanks for the answers. I have had a talk with him on Saturday night and that was what he came up with. Be patient with him. We did go out for a meal on Valentines day and he bought me some flowers chocs and a card. I asked him back to my house and he stayed till 12 o clock. But when he went he never mentioned the next time I would see him. When I am with him we are really good together and I know he enjoys being with me. He says I am always busy, but I am 19 so I do hang out with my friends when I am not with him. I am prepared to make time for him and have told him this. I am just hanging on in there I think hoping this will improve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Tell him you want a straight answer. Sounds as if he might be two timing you-why dont you make him see how he really deels and even if you have to pretend youve got someone else too and go out alone-see if he comes "back" if he thinks your not waiting for him all the time he might be more keen
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Dirtball is right, let him know that if he doesn't want to lose you then he'll make a bit more of an effort.
3 months is still new I agree, but only a couple of hours a week after 3 months is a bit lazy or he's just not really that interested. So talk to him, see what he says because at the moment he is doing the bare minimum time wise and then paying for everything when you do go out thinking that will do the trick.
Stop trying to analyze it by the way, it's useless. You're not going to be able to figure out what he's thinking. Just figure out what you want, how you want things to go and if this is not working out for you the way things are then try and change it. Because at the moment this is not working for you, after 3 months this relationship hasn't moved past the casual dating part because he's just not devoting enough time and/or attention to this relationship.Look if he's that busy then he might just not have the time to be able to take this relationship further but honestly that doesn't wash with me, if his job is such that he doesn't have time for anything else then you have no real future together anyway unless you don't mind being kept on the side.
I think you're at the stage where it is time to have that talk, you know the "where are we going with this?" talk. It's time to lay your cards out on the table because at the moment he's just happy with this going nowhere and you're not.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 If it's not enough for you, then you need to communicate that to him. He'll make the effort if he wants to keep you, but you should at least give him the chance before walking away. 3 months is still a new relationship. It's not uncommon to not meet many of his friends or family just yet.
Tell him that you would like to see him more often. You might be pleasantly surprised.
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